hiswifeforever

My husband is dying and I know it. He is still in denial sort of. He is in end stage liver disease. He's had a few bleeds and been in icu for a few weeks each time. Right now he has fluid in his stomach. We will probably be draining that this coming week. I am going to call the doctor in the morning.

hardest part of this for me is that people I know cannot handle that I have accepted that he is dying. I feel terribly alone in this. I know all my friends mean well. I have loved this man for 33 years next month. He was a heavy drinker for 20 years. He hasn't had a drink in 13 years, but it's ironic, because he finally quit drinking in Dec. 1999 and started showing symptoms in Jan. 2000. He finally quit drinking, but by then the damage was done. I get mad at him for doing this to himself, but I understand that his alcoholism wasn't something he wanted. He just didn't have the strength to stop sooner................ People can judge him all they want. No one will pay a higher price than him. I just love him and want to make his final months or weeks as precious as I can. He is trying to teach me things I will need to know once he is gone. I never had a honeydo list becuase he always took care of everything before I even knew it needed fixing.

His drinking caused us a lot of pain, but it wasn't the whole of who he has been. He has loved me and taken care of me since we were both 17 years old. We are both 50 now. He made a lot of mistakes as we all do, but no one has ever loved me more deeply then he. His drinking had nothing to do with me and he would have drank no matter who he loved or was married to. It was his cross to bare and he is paying the ultimate price. My job now is to help him walk out this final season with grace and I just want him to keep his dignity in the process. I don't know if that is possible, but man, I am going to try.

I am just very tired. He's been ill for so long now. I am weary. There are times that I look forward to him going out of this horrible nonexistense filled with pain and suffering. I am exhausted and sad all of the time. I lost my partner a long time ago. Today he is the patient and I am his caregiver. He is so pitiful and I get angry at times that I won't have him to grow old with. All of our dreams are gone. Sometimes I just want it to hurry and be over. There is all this guilt..............then............we have moments..........were he is lucid and he looks at me with those sweet sad eyes and he is constantly telling me how much me loves me now, when he is lucid. He needs me to know how much he loves me and what I mean to him. I already know. I know if he could change it, he would. I know he didn't mean to do this. I know...........I already know. I tell him how much he means to me too. It's all just so sad. Then, I lose him again to this awful disease and he sleeps for days on end.

The suffering..........watching this man that I love so much suffer as much as he is suffering is just too much. I know this is selfish and I feel like it has to be a sin. The thought of him being with Jesus is actually a relief for me. I find myself planning my life without him. When I see commercials of elderly couples together, I get upset and angry because I know I won't have that. I have accepted what is happeneing. I just don't want to be angry with him anymore. I just want to cherish what time I have left with him and I don't want to feel guilty or angry or anything negative. I know..............foolish.....I don't want to look back at his last few weeks or months or however much time he has left and realize I was so angry that I missed out on our last moments together. My heart is so sad........the anger just needs to leave. I just want the anger to leave. It is what it is. I just need to be able to say this without being judged. I know he is going to be with Jesus. I know it. I will see him again when I go to heaven. That has to be enough. Because..............it's all we get. What we have now is not living.............it is watching my love, the man that I grew up with............ die, slowly and horribly. LORD, either heal him or take him gently. That's my heart today. It feels good to just ................say it. Even though I feell ashamed.............it is my truth. : (