girl crisis

So my boyfriend attempted suicide this past Tuesday. Aside from him getting into a depressed funk every now and then I had no idea he was even anywhere close to this depressed. He tried twice but stopped himself the first time because he was home and his little brother was right out side his room so he went <somewhere else> and tried again there. He told me that he was two seconds away from behind dead or at leas unconscious and he stopped himself and went home, and said it was because he thought of me. He proceeded to act like nothing happened, until his mother found his suicide note and the supplies he had in his closet on Friday and put him into a behavioral health unit at our local hospital...

Ever since then I have been having extremely disturbing and sickening thoughts and mental pictures of him dead. Or what he would look like at his funeral. What kills me most is that he didn't call me or text me or go on to even say he loved me before he tried. He didn't mention me in his note and I just keep thinking like what would have happened happen if he would have actually gone through with things and I never got to talk to him again. I truly can't even stop myself from thinking this stuff and then when I do it sets me off into a full blown panic attack, something I have never in my whole life had before.

Also, because I had no knowledge of his problems and he kept this huge huge secret from me, when I was always under the impression that we told each other everything makes me feel so stupid. And it's so hard for me to accept the fact that he's actually in a mental hospital. That's just not him. He's always been my rock and shoulder to cry on and this is just all so sick. And the fact that he's there and settled in and like happy is just the most disturbing thought to me..

It's making me see him in a different light than I ever have before. Like almost sad and pathetic and just not my strong man. I know that's where he needs to be to get better but all I want is him home and able to cuddle and That is just making me feel worse and more guilty than I already do.

I honestly don't know what my actual question was.. Maybe just how to deal? How to stop myself from seeing images of my boyfriend dead?

Also, how do I express how I'm feeling to him? I started to while visiting but he said it was just making him feel worse and to stop. But he's my rock and I have nobody else to go to. And what if I wait til he's back home and that just screws up his psyche again.

Ugh I just need help so bad