Welcome. :-) I am glad to meet you, although sorry for the circumstances.
Your mom was so fortunate to have such caring children to see her through the end of her days. She must have been a great mom to raise such compasionate beings. You spent your time being not just a dutiful son, but a wonderfully caring one. I can sire understand that there is an empty spot in life without her.
Rarm, have you sought out any live, 3-D help for this unconsolable grief? We all grieve loss, my friend, but I say to you gently, that you have become caught in a circle of grief in your mind that you can not seem to break through. We are not meant to be islands in our grief. We need to share it, speak it, face it and understand it so we can move on. I am a participant in life again and you can be too, my friend.
How do I know this? Because I have been where you are... filled with so much grief that it nearly destroyed me. I couldn't share it and it ate a hole into my very soul. Like you, I was tormented by it. For a long while, I hid behind drugs because I couldn't figure out what else to do. I saw a psychiatrist at one point. Boy, did he anger me when he said, "We go on because we have no choice." I wanted to sock him right in the nose right there and then. However, I eventually came to understand his words were true.
My mom, dad and uncle were all diagnosed with cancer in a 3 week period. I spent all my time caring for them, their households, treatment appointments, just everything. My dad and uncle passed away on the same day. In between the funerals I had to take my mom for a chemo treatment. I had no time to think, only to do. My mom survived and finished treatment and then I was diagnosed with cancer. I was in survival mode for over a year, enduring surgeries and treatments. All this time I had had no time to grieve. To tell you the truth, I didn't even really know how
After falling into using the cancer pain drugs for emotional as well as physical pain, I fell into a deep, clinical depression. My soul was so hurt.
I hit the point of non-functioning before I finally let others help me. With a clinical social worker, I began to face the depths of my grief and learn how to grieve. Friend, I wailed
as I faced it like I had never done before in my life. Slowly, I let it out a bit more everyday. I expressed it with crying anger, many emotions. And then, finally, I was able to start healing.
The sparks of interest in life came back slowly, little bits at a time. Sometimes I had to dorce myself to be proactive... like making a phone call to a friend or relative and just talking small talk. We need to stay connected with others to get past the grief and move on. Claim it a victory if we can make some small talk with the cashier at a grocery store... small things like that.
Rarm, I hope you will share more on this board with us. I hope you will see a counselor and get some help with your tormenting grief. Care about yourself as others care about you.