Oh god, PLEASE someone talk to me now?! - Health Insurance Issues Message Board

Marilyn Monroe · 10-01-2003, 06:15 AM

Lonliness is swallowing me into the abyss. I have left everyone because I have abandonment issues from watching my father have an anuerism and drown in a bathtub at 5 years old. i have been to Europe,i'm american, i've been lucky and had people falin love with me and i ran away!!!!

I ran....

Some people run away from love because they do not feel they are worthy of it, I ran away from it many times, and am alone.
Back in america, living in hell, a private hell of lonliness. i can't burden the 3 people who love me, as they have their own huge issues to deal with, so I'm left, this morning, i drank all night and wrote to a person I believe is my lost love /soulmate.

I had to leave the country to get over him, it's been 2 years and I'm back and cannot still forget him, didn't meeet anyone who compared to him, but he is with his ex before me who he claims is more like his sister than romantic or true love.

Has he settled, and is that what life is about? pretending and setling because the really great things are to hard and so why bother?

I have no one, NO ONE to call or talk to, please someone be up this early and see this and reach out, help me see some hope or at least just talk to me. PLEASEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~NatureLovers~~ · 10-01-2003, 11:30 AM

I also have a fear of abandonment. I dont know why or where it has come from. The only real thing I can pinpoint it too is the uprooting that my parents did when I was 15. We moved far away from the only friends I had, the only school I knew, and all my family. I then 3 yrs later lost my granny to death. My only real experience with losing someone I love so greatly. I also went thru a pretty dramatic and traumatizing (to me anyway) divorce, from the only man Id ever loved. Had just gone thru postpartum depression after having our child, then he kicks me out for another 'girl', who was 16, he was 20.
I have ruined a few relationships , even married again soon after divorce, yet left him due to fear of abandoment. I figured, why not leave him first, before he can hurt me. Though, those were never his, or the few others that have come into my life, intentions. I am kinda like numb to any emotions. EXCEPT anger. I am very cold at times, yet deep inside I am in need of so much love, attention, and security.
Im not much help on 'what to do'........yet wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.

Marilyn Monroe · 10-02-2003, 06:52 AM

Thank you for replying, you don't know how much it meant to read that someone else is like me in that cold thing, i feel like i am the most horrible ***** with ice running thru my veins in relationships because it's just easier to not have to work, not have patience and flee for the fear that "they" may flee before. I just can't take being smothered in relationships, but then i can't take NOT being in a relationship and being alone..........Does that make sense?

I feel it is a father issue, or mother, any parent leaving you at an early age for good or for any length of time can damage a person for life in how they go about treating people in their adult life. It dosen't seem to matter how much i love someone i can be incredibly hurful and cruel to them, like daring them to leave me, yet I'm ALWAYS the one who leaves.

Then, I wonder why i'm so alone and why i have such bad luck in love and how come I have to resort to self destructive behavior such as drinking at 8 in the morning to cut out the thoguhts of th past in which I continue to tell my 'self' how horrible I was and that I deserve to be alone because I'm a hateful human being.
I know i'm not, I know i'm extra super plus sensitive, but maybe for that reason alone I have become hard, sullen and mean......... Oh god, I don't want to be this person.

sleeptweedledee · 10-17-2003, 05:18 PM

I hope you are not against this but because I have felt this way however never experienced your situation reading that made me cry you were too young to go through that. But now you are here and you have to find strength in yourself to cope with this and it sounds like your whole problem is your past and you are a perfect candidate on why drug companies make antidepressants (POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME) you can suffer your past for your whole life through and like I said you were way too young going through this. Please consider help even if it is antidepressants and Good Luck!

Marilyn Monroe · 10-21-2003, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sleeptweedledee:
I hope you are not against this but because I have felt this way however never experienced your situation reading that made me cry you were too young to go through that. But now you are here and you have to find strength in yourself to cope with this and it sounds like your whole problem is your past and you are a perfect candidate on why drug companies make antidepressants (POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME) you can suffer your past for your whole life through and like I said you were way too young going through this. Please consider help even if it is antidepressants and Good Luck!

I'm sorry that I made you cry. I'm really losing it. I've been on every anti depression pill including Lithium, and nothing helps, I had a very expensive cocaine problem when I was in england and now that i'm home I have to take many Xanax and ambian to sleep and keep from imploding.
But, I thank you for replying, because I feel that I have no one, even the 4 family members I do have do not have a CLUE to how bad it really is now, and how alone I really feel without a solution in sight, and believe me, I'm a thinker, so I have indeed tried to come up with a workable solution to getting over this and be a normal person.