immortal19

I was watching a friends episode tonight and then I started typing this below in notepad to see if i can review it and help myself with no luck, so here it is:

My feelings of confusion are now becoming aware to me.
It's funny how one television series can show you want you want and what you need.
The main question is, Why am I not approaching these feelings.
For the first time in 4 years I have the courage and the strength to do what I need.
What's holding me back?
What am I afraid of?
Am I afraid?
To these questions there is ony one answer: I don't know
I am a very inteligent person and to not know the answer to my own question is baffling.
Is it the fact that I could be afraid of meeting new people?
Am I afraid that the new people I meet won't like me?
Am I afraid that these people are drug addicts?
Even if they are not drug ADDICTS, is it the fact that if they may do it once in a while?
The bad thing is I don't seem to want to even look.
A show called "Friends" had to show me what I'm missing.
Of course I know that it is very douptfull that anyone is like that, but friends do hang out.
Friends talk, go out, and just have a good time.
I used to have alot of friends...in high school and shortly after.
Then that one incedent changed everything.
The isolation and depression made me lose everything.
Now everyone I can think of or remember is getting married or moved on with better things.
How do you make friends? Why am I asking this question?
Have I forgot?
4 years....4 years of seclusion from everyone except my family.
What the hell happened to me?
How can one insendent 4 years ago cause me to be like this?
I just don't understand, i really don't.
Every day and every night I sit in front of my computer (programmer and internet business owner)
I want a physical relationship, not with literal conversations over wires spaning miles and miles.
I can't even see them, and most of the time it's just typing back and forth.
I don't want that, I want to look someone in the eyes and talk to them.
What is holding me back?
I have also noticed that I have lost alot of motivation.
I have bad sleeping habits, sleeping whenever i sleep, as in if I'm tired and I'm doing something I will stay
up until it's done or just lay there and not being able to sleep.
It's amazing how bad I started to feel and so quickly after watching that show.
I'm not agoraphobic and I don't have social anxiety, I can go and talk to anyone I want.
So what is holding me back?

The incident I keep mentioning is a bad trip on extacy (which I stopped drugs completely afterwards which is great).
Durring the 4 years I mentioned i had anxiety disorder and panic disorder, which I have defeated panic, still have a little anxiety here and there but nothing that stops me from doing what I want so I know that's not the problem.
I am just baffled at my own questions, can anyone recommend something for me. I feel alone, I haven't had any constant friends in about 3 years.
This is pretty sudden, even my mother mentioned it to me and I'm 22 and live on my own, own my own business and am doing fine....but..just lonely.
So sorry this was long but like the title says:
Pouring my heart out
and that's what I did.
I hope someone can give me some ideas and some pointers. I am at a loss.
Thanks for your time.