Very depressed - Obviously very contagious! - Herpes Message Board

jane1 · 03-24-2004, 08:05 PM

I've been reading this board for several months, but just now feel comfortable posting... I had sex with my best guy friend of 12 years for the first time. - It was great, and secretly I have always had a crush on him. I was diagnosed with HSV 1 on Sept. 03. I was so upset that I visited a therapist to talk about my problem... My outbreak would not go away! My doctor prescribed Lexapro for nerves - she said anxiety was upsetting the outbreak even further. Finally, my outbreak went away, and I tried to move on with my life... forget about all that was going on.

Around New Years, I began dating a guy that I have been friends with for several years - he gave me oral sex. A week later, he came down with a fever and told me he had something disgusting around his mouth. Oh no! I think I transferred it to him. I felt horrible and was so embarrassed.

He never confronted me that he thought he got it from me, but it has to have crossed his mind. He dates a lot... So maybe he thought he got it from someone else.

I have been afraid to even touch a guy until a couple of weeks ago- a friend of mine "fingered" me (sorry, sounds crass) - I thought, surely this will be OK. I was sure not to rub against his genital area. The next week, he asked a friend that was a doctor what was wrong with the inside of one side of his nose. Sure enough, he said it was a cold sore and gave him valtrex.

I guess that I will never be able to even "fool around" with a guy again. I am so depressed that I have had my first outbreak since my primary. Once again, I am so upset, it is lingering. I've been taking suppressive therapy with Lexapro, Valtrex, and sometimes Lysine since Sept. (500mg daily or 1,000 if feeling a little strange down there.) I also take lots of vitamins.

I've become deeply depressed, even with Lexapro and Xanex. I try to think, it could be worse (AIDS, Cancer etc.) but it just doesn't seem to help. The guilt and anger I feel towards myself for sleeping with my friend with no condom is overwhelming. I asked him to get tested for everything and he did just to comfort me - he was ok except for HSV 1. He says he never knew he had it, but seems kind of hard to believe.

Obviously, even with suppressive therapy, I am extremely contagious. - Even when I was feeling good and had no symptoms. I hear you shed the virus less as time goes by. - It's been since late Sept. '03 that I was diagnosed. What's odd is that with my second outbreak, I have experienced pain inside my vagina, but cannot see any lesions, bumps on the outside. Weird huh? I guess I'm having an outbreak, but you wouldn't know if from looking.

Has anyone else had the experience of transmitting the virus this easily? The idea of sex stresses me out so badly, that I don't think it would be any fun. Everyone talks about feeling tingling b/f an outbreak, but I felt nothing each time I transmitted it to someone else.

Furthermore, I will never tell anyone about this little problem. I live in a smaller town, and no matter who you confide in, someone will tell. Sounds bad - but just being honest.

Sorry to ramble on, but I have always been a happy person, had a great job, good friends and close family - but all seems to have changed. I pray now, but don't know if God is listening. Hate to be a drag to everyone, but this has been probably the most difficult experience of my life. I am 32 years old and have not slept with many people. Who wants a girl with H? If the situation were reversed, not sure I would feel comfortable with a guys with H. Please help.

veryworriedguy · 03-24-2004, 10:41 PM

Herpes is very contagious alright...you're not the only one. I had sex with a girl who had herpes just one time, wore a condom and everything, and still ended up getting herpes. Then again you have people who have had partners with Herpes for 10 years and never seem to spread it to the uninfected partner. Its a real crapshoot I guess.

learningtodeal · 03-25-2004, 05:37 PM

Oh girly, I completely understand! I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I have thought all of the same things you have. And I have stressed about passing it so bad that I used other reasons and broke up with men to avoid having sex with them. I am in only 24 and when I was married and niave I got it from my husband who still wont admit he has anything because I dont think he has faced it and got a test. We are now divorced due to his cheating problem..go figure. So I still was not safe as a married girl. My own husband! But anyway, I told my boyfriend now after stressing over it for months. He was fine! But back to you, it sounds like you are more contagious...but its not the end of the world. Its sounds embarassing but try finding a group of people that have H already. Go online. They do have them. You may find a more humble, understanding person in a situation like that. Someone who is in that group for the same reasons you are. Love, support, etc. I live near San Francisco and there is a group called SF friends that goes places together, dinners, etc. Try something like that in your area. Hey, it may be a blessing in disguise. Oh, and you would be surprised how many people have it! One in four right! You may be dating someone right now who has it and just hasnt told you. My good friend just told me a few months ago that she got herpes a few years ago! She didnt want to tell me. Well, guess what..so do I. I didnt tell her because I wanted to think about it. And I chose not to. But obviously she has no idea how much I support her. But yes, it may be less stresful for you to just find someone with it. Its a tricky situation when you date someone who is uninfected...becasue if you infect them, you feel like you have to stay with them. At least I have worried about that. I expect to marry my boyfriend, but what if something happens?? If we break up (he shows no symptoms and we are getting him a test to see if he is just infected but no outbreaks..) and he ends up getting a positive test...now he will have to tell his next partner. I dont wish this on anyone...but someone told me one time it may be a blessing in disguise and I think it has been. I found out the real character in my boyfriend for understanding something like this. And I take care of myself so much more now with foods and vitamins, excercise. I just look at outbreaks as a sign that I am not taking care of my body. So dont be depressed for life. Its hard but you will find someone. Take care! (long response huh)

sarah1000 · 03-27-2004, 05:04 PM

Just wanted to offer some support, I know how difficult it is when outbreaks just keep happening and stress and depression is a major factor in how our immune systems function. I loved the idea of going online, there are quite a few dating site for people with HSV (though i don't think you have to limit yourself), but it might be a great way to get support.

Some other ideas:
Find something that DOES make you feel good about yourself: volunteering for a cause that you believe in, exercise, meditation/relaxation tapes, reading a good book, anything that will give you a break from thinking/worrying about it. Alternatively, you could set aside a time each day (15 min) to worry about it (I know it sounds strange, but it does work!), and anytime you feel yourself thinking about it, tell yourself you will wait until 8:15 to think about it, and then when time is up, go back to your life. Or keep a journal and just set aside some time each day to write non-stop (no stopping to correct spelling or puncuation!), if you don't know what to write next, just keeping writing that over and over again until something comes to you.

All of these are about putting the disease in its place, finding support, and celebrating the parts of yourself that you love!

I wish you the best.

anna-bananna · 04-08-2004, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by learningtodeal

Oh girly, I completely understand! I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I have thought all of the same things you have. And I have stressed about passing it so bad that I used other reasons and broke up with men to avoid having sex with them. I am in only 24 and when I was married and niave I got it from my husband who still wont admit he has anything because I dont think he has faced it and got a test. We are now divorced due to his cheating problem..go figure. So I still was not safe as a married girl. My own husband! But anyway, I told my boyfriend now after stressing over it for months. He was fine! But back to you, it sounds like you are more contagious...but its not the end of the world. Its sounds embarassing but try finding a group of people that have H already. Go online. They do have them. You may find a more humble, understanding person in a situation like that. Someone who is in that group for the same reasons you are. Love, support, etc. I live near San Francisco and there is a group called SF friends that goes places together, dinners, etc. Try something like that in your area. Hey, it may be a blessing in disguise. Oh, and you would be surprised how many people have it! One in four right! You may be dating someone right now who has it and just hasnt told you. My good friend just told me a few months ago that she got herpes a few years ago! She didnt want to tell me. Well, guess what..so do I. I didnt tell her because I wanted to think about it. And I chose not to. But obviously she has no idea how much I support her. But yes, it may be less stresful for you to just find someone with it. Its a tricky situation when you date someone who is uninfected...becasue if you infect them, you feel like you have to stay with them. At least I have worried about that. I expect to marry my boyfriend, but what if something happens?? If we break up (he shows no symptoms and we are getting him a test to see if he is just infected but no outbreaks..) and he ends up getting a positive test...now he will have to tell his next partner. I dont wish this on anyone...but someone told me one time it may be a blessing in disguise and I think it has been. I found out the real character in my boyfriend for understanding something like this. And I take care of myself so much more now with foods and vitamins, excercise. I just look at outbreaks as a sign that I am not taking care of my body. So dont be depressed for life. Its hard but you will find someone. Take care! (long response huh)

Learning to deal Just curious if your good friend told you that she/he has it and so do you why did you not tell her thta you had it also, and would you mind elaborating on it being a blessing in disguise ( sorry I know I spelled that wrong)