getting involved without herpes - Herpes Message Board

caughtupinit · 03-30-2004, 12:13 PM

as far as i know, i don't have herpes, but i'm definitely putting my a-- on the line. i just wanted to ask if any infected folks out there have been seeing anyone for over a year, been having unprotected sex, and still gotten away with it. i am currently seeing/not seeing someone (it's complicated) who's newly infected and has only had one ob. to say that i feel attached to this person would be an understatement. and although our status as a couple is still uncertain, i've already more or less accepted the risk. something that's bothering me, though, is how i will feel if i fully engage this girl physically and emotionally, knowingly take a risk with my body and then get dumped in a few months? i can't help the way i feel about her, i'm totally infatuated, but i know that i'm really asking for it at the same time, b/c to get dumped with a disease as well as a crushed ego would put me out of commission for a long time. any comments from either side of this situation would be appreciated greatly.

corimsw · 03-30-2004, 01:30 PM

Well I can certainly understand your nervousness. I was involved with someone - we split up & he left me with this "gift." <said sarcastically> But I met my now husband & we're still together after 10 years! We haven't used condoms & he's never gotten it, at least not any obs. But we may be an exception. Just now that it is POSSIBLE to not get it, and even if you do, it's not a death sentance!! There's lots of happy couple stories here on the board!

lbp35 · 03-30-2004, 01:49 PM

Five years!

Condoms on and off. He just started suppressive therapy because we want to have a baby. Other than that his obs are not very often and he listens to his body. If he is tired or has any kind of body aches we just don't! (or we do other things!) It is possible just be careful! After 5years of alot of sex...I am still neg.(blood test)

Good luck & God bless!

siobhan · 03-30-2004, 02:00 PM

The first relationship I had had since my diagnosis, I did end up transmitting herpes to him. It was unfortunate, and not the intended outcome, but I did give him all the information up front, and essentially it was his perogative to continue.

The relationship that I'm in now, it's been about a year, and as far as we know, he has not contracted it. That doesn't mean that we won't find out, weeks, months, years from now that he has. But again, I presented all the information to him, encouraged him to go out and research it on his own, and his answer still was to be with me.

I'm not quite sure of the statistics, but I do believe that it is easier to transmit the virus within the first year of contracting it. Also, if she was using Valtrex (or another medication) on a daily basis as a prophylactic measure, that GREATLY reduces the risks of you getting it.

Of course, you say that you are "totally infatuated," not that there's anything wrong with that, but maybe you should wait and see if the infatuation really does turn into something stronger. Infatuation is one of the best part of a romance, but infatuation does mean short-lived by definition. My concern is really for her, she's probably dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with the diagnosis, and you should probably think out how you feel about her, just in case, you do end up inadvertently hurting her.

But when it all comes down to it, herpes is just not that big of a deal. I know that I would have bitten someone's head off if they had suggested that to me last year, but really, it's not the worst thing in the world. A large amount of the population has herpes, we just don't wear t-shirts proclaiming it. Hence, the continous Valtrex ads, etc. Granted, it's scary getting involved with something (especially a virus) that you don't know about.

So, read about it from reliable sources. Learn how to protect yourself, and run all the worst cases scenarios in your head. Of all the things that could happen to one in life, herpes is definately not the worst.

Good Luck, and good for you for being a good enough friend to hear her out.

adviceplease · 03-30-2004, 06:07 PM

Well, all I can say is I'm in your shoes, and want this girl I'm with so bad. But I'm not getting a disease from a girlfriend. So, I'm gonna tell her how special she is and how much I like her, and tell her I want her for my girlfriend. But I'm also gonna tell her, there will be no sex between us until our wedding night, assuming this relationship lasts. Sex is really pointless if there's love, and I'm not going to risk something for "like" or lust. Plus, if you get herpes, and are unhappy in your relationship emotionally, you might feel you're staying for the wrong reason. Just say sorry, you're awesome, I want you, but no premarital sex. Sucks not being able to sleep with your woman, but oh well. I'll let you know if I get hugged or slapped, and maybe you can try it. My nickels worth.