Has Anyone... - Herpes Message Board

Lime22 · 04-01-2004, 05:43 AM

I was just wondering if anyone here has ever gotten involved in a relationship with a potential partner that you really liked but were too afraid to tell that you had H?

I know that I would have to tell before we ever have sex......I really like this guy and we are both in our early 20's and I know that he has hopes for his future (just as what I had always wanted before I got this)(I really like him) so I dont want the same thing to happen to him like it did me, finding out that someone has given this to you without telling you they had it. I dont want him to have to go through what I did.

I am just afraid that he wont want to be with me if he knows I have this, and Im even more afraid if I tell him that he will tell other people we know (we are in college) If he got freaked out I dont know if he would tell. (no one at school knows I have this and I would like to keep it that way.)

But we have decided to date now. We have not slept together but we had our first kiss and stayed up talking all night. I just wish that there could be a way to keep him from getting this from me, and that I wouldnt have to tell. But we all know wishing wont accomplish anything.

So I feel real bad now because if I tell him what if he freaks out that I kissed him? (I dont have it on my mouth, just gh) So I dont know what to do. I know I dont want him to go through the pain I did....But I dont need him to tell people I go to college with either. And If we did get serious there would be no hiding it.

I just am scared of what to do. This is my first relationship since I got this.

I hate how this can cause a barrier to what there could be and then this one thing no matter how good everything else is can cause someone not to want to be with you........I know if I wouldve been given the choice, I probably would've not exposed myself to that but they didnt tell me

sarah1000 · 04-01-2004, 05:06 PM

Your post brings back many memories. I have only good stories to tell, but my guess is that there are people with bad experiences too. The first person I told was a college bf, we had been "dating" for about four months and things were beginning to go to the next level. At the time, i didn't even really have a handle on the virus: i told him on one of our walks during summer vacation. He cried, i cried, we both needed more info, but he made the decision that this was something we could work on together and we did..we were together for four years before I broke up with him because I had fallen in love with someone else...

That second talk was probably the most difficult because we had been friends for two years, flirting, having fun, etc. I said we needed to "talk" and he thought i was going to end the relationship, instead I told him about having HSV. He was shocked and again, said he needed more info, he sent me a beautiful card about how what we had was too important to give up, so we went together to my doctor to talk about it.

My suggestions: have some reading material available, if they don't have a clue about it, it may be tough to absorb what you're saying to them in the moment. But they can read stuff later at their own pace. Absolutely tell them before you take things further, it demonstrates immense caring and respect, something that you would like to receive from them. However, i would wait until about one to two weeks before you think things might escalate before bringing it up (not when you first think they mihgt be going in that direction). Some people might disagree, but why not give them a chance to really get to know you (and you to know them) before sharing something so important and potentially difficult.

Scared82 · 04-03-2004, 05:17 PM

Like the other person that responded my experience turned out to be bad then good. When I first found out I had GH, I just knew I got it from my bf of 1.5 years. I told him and he freaked out, didn't want to believe he was responsible, broke up with me, and possibly told his bestfriend I never knew for sure. I was 19 at the time in college like you, and he came back to me a few months later and we tried to make it work, but he kept cheating on me and so I left. I even changed schools because I felt ashamed and two I just didn't like the school. Mind you I never had an outbreak once and neither did he. After we broke up I went through the whole crying business, wanted to commit suicide, and withdrew into myself. Didn't date or look at a guy until I was 21 when I met the greatest man in the world. I was afraid to tell him and so I broke up with him and he was hurt, I was hurt. But then I found this site and I came looking for help like you and this really great person told me that I should have given him a chance to make his own choices, not made them for him. They were right, because with the help of God, and my bestfriend I made it. I came clean and told him why I broke up with him, and thought he would hate me, but he decided to be with me anyway and told me he loved me. After the blood test told me I had herpes I found it strange that I never had OB's, or nothing( in some cases that didn't mean anything) but then from constant reading, researching, asking questions I discovered and had that Pockit test done by my doctor at my bestfriends suggestion and it turns out I was negative along. We enjoyed a great year together, but then he broke up with me because he wanted to date other people which is fine, I'm dealing with it, but to make this a short story
;-) he didn't run away from me because I had herpes (or thought I did). Give that person a chance to make his own decisions as well, and if he leaves it just lets you know that this isn't the person for you. These experiences are going to shape you and change you in a great deal of ways. I wish you luck...and I'm here if you need to talk or give advice if I can.

eliza25 · 04-05-2004, 09:12 PM

HELLO LIME 22,

If you read my thread you would see that we both are going through the same problem. Unfortunatly we have already slept together and lately we have not been using protection because were trying to have a baby. So believe me I feel your pain and i hope you read my thread and we could try to go through this together. good luck

eliza25 · 04-08-2004, 05:24 PM

hello lime22,

How's it going??? Still going crazy with "should I's" or "shouldn't I's" hah..
I bet you are and so am I, I got your message on the thread I posted and you gave me some good advice, to bad i'm too much of a chicken to take it...Well it would be very nice to chat with you sometime maybe us together can be each other backbone. well hope to hear from you soon.. just remember THIS could be alot worse...