when to tell... please help me out - Herpes Message Board

Lacey Lilly · 05-29-2004, 09:25 AM

Hi everyone. Although I know I am not alone in this world, It's nice to know I have somewhere to turn where everyone understands!
OK, Here is a brefing of my story:
I contracted HSV1 "down there" from a boyfriend who had it on his mouth. I never knew that cold sores were contagious, let alone "Herpes".
Anyway, I never got it on my mouth, and I never gave it to him on his genitals (we did not use condoms).
I never gave it to the 2 partners I had after him either (used condoms sometimes) but I was much more scared with them being they never had it anywhere, and I would feel awful giving this to someone else.
I have had this for 10 years now, I have had 2 outbreaks w/ sores in 10 years, but I believe that when I get irritated & red that I am possibly shedding the virus (who knows?).
Anyway, here is my current problem:
I am back on the dating scene after a 5 year relationship, and I am dating this one guy who I like..... in the perfect world, I probobly would have had sex with him already, however having H makes you think twice! He is a little on the immature side, and neither one of us are really looking to be very serious. (although I never had sex with anyone I was not serious with). I am thinking I should not tell him (and not have sex either) because I don't think he would understand enough to take a chance with me, or worse... he may actually tell someone else my story and we know a lot of the same people! (I never told anyone unless I was intimate with them).
Here is where I feel guilty....
We have fooled around, I have given him oral, & I let him "touch me" not orally. Am I wrong for not telling him before I let him touch me? or is it only important to tell when you are considering sex?
This is so hard. thanks for any advice.

backpacker · 05-29-2004, 11:28 AM

Hi, lacey. Things can be complicated, can't they? But since there is a small chance he could get it on his hand or finger, you need to tell him if you plan to keep fooling around. Besides, fooling around can suddenly turn into unplanned sex, ya know what I mean? But he has the right to know what chances he may be taking.

If you keep seeing him, and he touches you down there, have him wash his hands after. And if you decide to have sex, have him wash his genital area after. My soulmate and I have used this method (along with, of course, never having sex when it seems I may have an ob coming) successfully for 13 years now.

And, by the way, good for you for having so few ob's!

Lacey Lilly · 05-29-2004, 11:50 AM

hi backpacker,
thanks for replying so fast, i am obviously stressing over this. as for telling, easier said than done with this one. As I mentioned, he is a little on the immature side, also the kind of guy who can have his choice of girls.... unfortunately my type are the cuties, not the smarties..... i want to keep seeing him, but because I know it is the kind of relationship that can't go anywhere, for reasons having nothing to do with Herpes, I was planning on just never sleeping with him & doing the everything else but sex & oral on me. I never heard of anyone getting it on the hands before.... now I am REALLY worried!! As for having so few outbreaks.... I think I only get the "shedding" part, not the actual sores, but I get the irritation & redness enough, that is just how my outbreaks show themselves... so the good for you part is not so great! I miss being in a relationship where my partner already knows & loves me anyway.
So you really think I have to tell even though I am not having sex? Is it the chance of getting it on his hands the reason or the chance of touching himself after touching me and transferring it to his penis? can you actually get it on your hands?
thanks

karlthebunny · 05-29-2004, 01:45 PM

think of it this way, if he had something (and unless you test, you won't actually know), wouldn't you want to know before hand?

I plan to tell my new love interest before we get past the kissing. my promise to myself is to tell any lover before we get anywhere below the belt.

the woman who blessed me with h2 didn't plan on us going too far for a number of weeks. and so she didn't tell me. we started out with snuggling one evening, which turned to making out,which turned to fondling, to oral sex, to clothes flying everywhere before we knew it. Penitration! I can assure you we would have never made it past making out had I been informed. we would have taken things much slower, done a whole lot more soul searching and H research. made sure we were more compatable for the long hall, and I believe I would never have contracted. education is the key. (her previous bf had it on his hand) what do you know about the transmission of H now that you have it?

Take him aside before things have gotten hot and heavy, in a quite place, maybe the park, where you can share with him the facts, in a matter of fact way. Many web sites for h have sections on "telling a loved one", etc.

getting it on the hands (or elsewhere) is possible if there are any breaks in the skin. he could also brush his face, place his fingers in his mouth, rub his eyes. though it doesn't live long on the skin surface, there is a small possibility... sucks doesn't it?

he may already have h1 and will have antibodies to it and you won't have to worry about giving him something he already has. But he does deserve to make that decision for himself, don't you think?

having a STD makes us more susceptible to other nastier STDs...

backpacker · 05-29-2004, 04:48 PM

bunnyman (sorry, karl; I can't resist) is exactly right. You have to give him the respect that you would want from anyone else, whether he is immature or not; you can't ethically support holding onto him by holding back information that he needs; you can't make his decision for him. That is called manipulation. Unfortunately, it is our responsibility to try our best not to spread this disease. And you might lose him...but then again, he might surprise you.

You can get herpes anywhere. I've read posts by people who have it on the buttocks, waist, nipples, nose, back, lower thigh, palms of hands, fingers, earlobe, and in the eyes. Imagine if he touched you and then rubbed his eye and ended up half blind. How would you feel about not telling? How would he feel? It's just too potentially harmful to allow someone to be ignorant of it for your own convenience. If he chooses to have any kind of sex with you, he should be aware of the simple precautions he needs to take. Like I said, he can just wash his hands!

But I want you to know that, far from being judgmental, I really sympathize with your position. It's hard, I know. And it's not really fair that we have this burden. But, you know, life can be a lot more unfair than this--I'm glad I got nothing worse in the old free love 70's.

And, just a thought: while you're spending your time with this guy whom you don't seem to love, your soulmate might just pass you by. I almost messed up getting together with my soulmate the same way--I was hiking with someone I didn't really care about when we met, and he assumed I wasn't available. Luckily, in an unprecedented coincidence (or not?) we met again on the trail a while later and finally got to know one another. That was 13 years ago. He's the one who shrugged it off when I told him; who always sympathizes with me when I get an ob, and who never lets it stand between us; who is perfectly willing to have nonsexual lovey times when I'm contagious; who sees the real me, and thinks of the virus as something unfortunate that happened to me. After a bad marriage, I didn't think I had a soulmate. So...give yourself a chance.