Just got a bomb dropped on me... - Herpes Message Board

jlm1972 · 08-21-2004, 10:22 AM

Hi. This is my first post so please bare with me here. About a month ago I began dating this girl whom, for the first six months I knew her, wouldn't give me the time of day. Then by chance we ended up having a good conversation one day and she seemed to warm up a little. So we ended up dating and things were going great until that saturday morning. That's the day she told me she had genital herpes. The biggest problem about this isn't even the fact that she has it; it's the fact that she didn't tell me before we had sex. I've almost always flat out asked women about their sexual health before getting invloved but this time I felt she was responsible enough to be honest enough that if there were something she would have told me. I did make it clear how I felt about couples keeping these things hidden but I guess that wasn't enough to get through to her. Now I'm in a mess trying to sort things out. There are too many emotions about this running through me right now it's hard to get a grip on how I really feel. I don't believe she intentionally didn't tell me. I can understand how difficult this is for people. My doctor actually told me he thought that she probably really did care becuase of the fact she told me at all. She claims she got it through oral sex about 4 years ago but she still doesn't know if she has HSV-1 or 2. She's willing to go back and get the results. She says she's only had 2 outbreaks in those 4 years and both time she's taken the valtrex (sp) for them. She's now taking Valtrex daily for the both of us even though I feel that I already may be infected. In the last 4 four weeks since we had sex I can't say I see any signs of a visible infection though I felt minor discomfort in the whole lower stomach/gential area. I just can't tell if it's me stressing out so bad and directing it to that area or if it's really herpes. When I sleep the discomort seems to go away only to return when I start stressing about it. I just went in for a blood test mostly to see if there's any signs of HSV-2 infection.

So now my problem is this: Do I continue in this relationship? Honestly I don't know. I really care about her and I believe she cares for me. We fit good together and have may like things in common. My problem is that I seem to be having trouble getting over the fact that she kept this from me. I've already blown up at her for it. But I'm also trying to make her understand that it's the fact of not telling me that's the problem not that she has herpes.

She says she's never told anyone before, not even previous partners. That's another thing. I don't know if I could ever do that to someone but never being in that position I don't know.

So here I am, I guess I'm looking for advice, comments, anything to help make sense of this. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone around me about this right now except for my doctor so I'm trying this route. Any response is appreciated.

confused,
jm

p.s. one last thing, until this I never knew how prevailent (sp) herpes really was. My doctor didn't even think of it as a big deal (her's didn't either) and seeing the statistics it's hard to believe that so many people have it. In a strange way though it's also more comforting to know you're not so alone...

jewel4444 · 08-21-2004, 01:47 PM

I almost don't know what to say. The fact that she did not tell you ahead of time, makes for a distrust relationship. Nevertheless, I also understand how hard it is to tell someone you truely care about. She was probably too afraid of lossing you because of it. Nonetheless, that does not give her the right ot with hold that info from you.

Also, if you two were inthe moment, i'm sure that was not on her mind. If I would you I would get tested immediately. So that you can clear your mind if you have it or not.
Give it sometime. Take sometime out for yourself to truely understand your feelings. Because, you can not continue getting upset with her and yelling at her for not telling you. That would not help the relationship.

I have herpes but have not yet told the guy that i've been dating for almost 2 months. We are taking things slow and have not yet had sex. I will have to tell him soon before we actrually have sex. I care for him very much. I even feel as if I am falling for him, and this makes it even harder to find a time to tell him. I am afraid he will reject me, But not matter what, I refuse to put him in the same situtation as I am.

LAST: understand what she must be feeling. How hard it is for her to share something so personal as that. It is very difficult. Nevertheless, she should have told you and let you make the your OWN DICISION.

Keep us posted.

_Serenity_ · 08-21-2004, 02:16 PM

I'm female and have Herpes and if I wasn't in the serious relationship i'm in now I would never dream of sleeping with anyone without telling them what I have first, never. My partner who i'm with now gave it to me but he didn't know he had it... so I don't blame him one bit.
I think your girlfriend was way out of line not telling you what she had before she slept with you. You had a right to know and she should have told you. Just like she should have told her previous sexual partners. How can anyone trust a person who lies from the start?? I personally think she doesn't deserve you...not at all. Herpes is for life! Yes there are worse things to catch but it's still not nice to have especially if you don't get the "mild" case of it.
Your girlfriend needs to stop being so selfish just because she got it passed on to her. She knew what she had and yet she still went and put you and others at risk...how wrong.

I really hope you haven't got it. Good Luck.

jlm1972 · 08-21-2004, 09:07 PM

Thanks for the reply. I ended the relationship tonight. I can't respect someone who would do this to me. If she had told me before at least I could have had a choice. I would have had so much respect for someone who could be honest with me. I feel like I've been violated. I also feel guilty like I'm not being understanding enough but I just can't get past this. It taints everything about the relationship because if she could be like this in regards to my health what else could she do? Thinking back now I remember asking her how'd she feel if the situation was reversed and all she said was "I'd have a big problem with it."
In fact, I also remember telling her how I felt about couples keeping things like std's from each other. She knew how I felt before anything had ever happened. I still can't believe this....I don't know how to feel.

jm

movingrightalong · 08-21-2004, 09:13 PM

deleted message--looks like you made your decision