RegretfulHeart

I'm new, and I want to share my story.
I had a one night stand with protection, plus birth control last summer, and a week later I was in critical pain, and a culture was taken and they told me the news "it looks like Herpes". I'll never forget that day. I never saw the guy again, and I was ashamed of myself. Later on that month, before my outbreak started, I met a great guy, during the week in which I hadnt seen any signs yet of herpes, or even knew what a curveball of pain was gonna be thrown my way. This guy was great, (at the beginning), and we started dating, then the news came, and i told him id understand if he didnt wanna ever speak to me again, but he understood, and he said it didnt matter, and that he loved me no matter what...He didnt even care about protection, even though at the beginning of the relationship, we mostly used condoms anyway. Anyhow, so as I had been living with herpes, and time progressed (he never got tested, but to this day i know he has them, because i actually physically saw them near his lower region)...But as time went on, he became over jelous, and never wanted me to do anything, like i used to do before i met him, he became physically abusive, and i lost all interest in my life, with things i normally wouldve loved to do, i became a recluse, and imprisoned to everything he told me to do, plus he was bipolar, and he had high ups and downs, and always thought i was cheating on him, even though i wasnt, whats sad is i let him walk all over me, because i loved him and didnt know why he treated me so bad, when all i did was good things for him, and even took care of him the best way i could...he was physically demanding of sex even though i didnt want too most of the time, and he just all around became a shadow of the person, i thought i once knew and loved...we dated a little over a year, and up until earlier this month, i told him i never wanted to speak to him again, prior to that he threw me into a door, and he claimed i was cheating on him with a neighbor, just because we were talking in my front yard (thats the bipolar disorder in him, to overract and trust the dumb thoughts in his mind that he makes up)...so now even though i feel better because im not getting that overload of stress and abuse from him that i used to get, im wondering if I'll ever find my other part. My heart is nothing but shreds of flaws, regret, and pain. I was going to stay with him because i thought i could make things better, and i knew him like the back of my hand, and we both had herpes, because i gave it to him knowingly, and he accepted me just the way i was. And as time went on, his self-control hit awol and he started to make me feel endangered whenever i was around him, and did many horrible things to me. Now I feel as if, I will never be happy, and I'll never have someone to wake up next to in the morning, or buy things for, or hold hands and kiss while we're walking in public, not caring if people are looking. It's beginning to really sink in, becuse I turn 20 next month. and I'm a girl, and I have nobody. I hear all these dumb stories of how people with herpes do wind up getting married, and have normal lives, but its funny because, I know if I ever meet another person again, I would never blindly sleep with them and give them my disease, like how I got mine. That guy used me, and he knew he could, and even though he wore a condom I still got herpes from that one night stand, and I could never give my disease to someone else. If I met a guy in the future, I'd have to tell him I had herpes over our first dinner date...Its sad, because why waste time, getting to know someone, if they dont know what you have...So if anything happens in the future, I will only have to continue pushing guys away from me, because Im too ashamed to tell them why I really can't get too close, Even if I just kiss a guy, they will get a herpe in their mouth...Its sad, but it's reality. I even told my mother the other day, I should just look for someone living with herpes, that way we both wont have to "hide" anything, and she said to me NO! DONT LOOK FOR SOMEONE WITH AN STD, IF THEY REALLY LOVE YOU, THEY WONT CARE WHAT YOUR HAVE, OR DONT HAVE, IF THEY REALLY LOVE YOU, THEYLL ACCEPT YOU JUST AS YOU ARE....but whats really sad is I tried that game already, and the guy ended up physically abusing me this entire past year, so I have no option left, but celibacy and loneliness for the rest of my life. I'll probably die an old crazy bag lady, who talks to herself on the street. I know im painting a horrible picture, but I feel my fate is true. I wished for love all my life, now I have absolutely no option to express it, or live in love, ever again. Could you guys offer me some support, on how you began dating again?, or how you took on the idea of "dating" after being diagnosed with herpes. Because I just wanna shut every male out, even coworkers, I feel disgusted around men in the workplace, like I feel dirty, if they make eye contact with me. I believe being diagnosed with herpes, has also made me even more depressed than I ever was before. Can any of you guys help me, anyone with herpes who is currently dating now, young people, if any, because the older you get the more wise and mature you are in relationships. I am definitely mature, but I feel I wont find a male my own age who can grasp the thought of being with a girl with herpes, like me. Please anyone help me. I'm a lost cause without any support...thanks all...