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Old 09-05-2004, 01:18 PM   #1
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missjena01 HB User
Question How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

I haven't been with anyone since the guy who gave it to me. Now I am dating a guy I really like and I don't know how to tell him. I am only 21 and the subject is VERY emotional for me. Any help would be appriciated.
Thank you,
Jena

 
Old 09-07-2004, 01:10 AM   #2
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BurnedByAnAngel HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by missjena01
I haven't been with anyone since the guy who gave it to me. Now I am dating a guy I really like and I don't know how to tell him. I am only 21 and the subject is VERY emotional for me. Any help would be appriciated.
Thank you,
Jena
there's really no easy way to tell someone about this disease, ONLY because of the large stigma attatched to it. im 21 also and ive told 3 people so far that ive wanted to be intimate with, AMAZINGLY all 3 took it in stride and didnt throw me into a pit of fire as i assumed would happen. BUT i think the best way to go about doing it, is to seem confident and although it'll be hard, unfraid. if you tell someone, and you seem scared yourself, you're going to scare them too because of your confidence about the subject. when i tell someone i try to set them up gently at first like. "i have something to tell you that might change everything, etc. etc." before i actually get up to the point of telling them. then when the time comes i bring up that statement and go into further detail. usually i explain how i got the disease, tell them i understand if they dont want to talk any more, BUT if they do im willing to give them as much information as possible about how we can still have a safe and semi-normal relationship. basically, this disease doesnt have to end your dating life. if you come off as educated, calm, and willing to look out for their health as well as yours, it seems to be POSSIBLE to make it work. good luck though and let me know how it turns out. if i can help in any way, dont know how right now, just let me know because ive been down this road a few times.

 
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Old 09-11-2004, 07:04 PM   #3
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missy12 HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BurnedByAnAngel
there's really no easy way to tell someone about this disease, ONLY because of the large stigma attatched to it. im 21 also and ive told 3 people so far that ive wanted to be intimate with, AMAZINGLY all 3 took it in stride and didnt throw me into a pit of fire as i assumed would happen. BUT i think the best way to go about doing it, is to seem confident and although it'll be hard, unfraid. if you tell someone, and you seem scared yourself, you're going to scare them too because of your confidence about the subject. when i tell someone i try to set them up gently at first like. "i have something to tell you that might change everything, etc. etc." before i actually get up to the point of telling them. then when the time comes i bring up that statement and go into further detail. usually i explain how i got the disease, tell them i understand if they dont want to talk any more, BUT if they do im willing to give them as much information as possible about how we can still have a safe and semi-normal relationship. basically, this disease doesnt have to end your dating life. if you come off as educated, calm, and willing to look out for their health as well as yours, it seems to be POSSIBLE to make it work. good luck though and let me know how it turns out. if i can help in any way, dont know how right now, just let me know because ive been down this road a few times.

 
Old 09-11-2004, 07:08 PM   #4
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missy12 HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Im in the same boat as you. I have avoided relationship for 3 years because I dont want to break down and tell someone about this. I recently meet someone that I really like and I have already had unprotected sex 2 times. I dont know what to do. I know that I can not avoid this much longer and I need to tell however I think that I have messed up by not speaking up before know. Do you think it would be wrong to tell him that I just found out?

 
Old 09-12-2004, 09:22 PM   #5
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Lacey Lilly HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Hello there...
I have not been here for a while.... my computer went on the fritz, but I'm back now! UGCH... the "telling". So you are at that part, well we have all been there. I have had 4 partners since contracting herpes, and have told them all in different ways... there really is no easy way to tell something that in essence is SO PERSONAL, and slightly embarrassing due to the "stigma", so far I have never been turned away because of it (knock on lots of wood ) I can only give you advice when NOT to tell... the heat of the moment is a bad time! I did do that to 1 person I was with, and although he didn't really seem to care much at the time (wanted to have sex anyway), we had the uncomfortable discussion the next day, and "I" wished I would have told him at a different time.
I am going to give you a goofy idea... out there in the real world, people are not as aware that oral herpes (cold sores) and genital herpes are the same things... this board is the exception... some of us learned the hard way (like me!) a REDICULOUS amount of the population get cold sores... I've heard its something like 70-80%. People cant deny when they have a cold sore on there mouth because it is obvious... maybe that is why it is more socially acceptable?? Why don't you tell him you get cold sores & see how he reacts to that? You can be creative in how you say it... like put on some lip balm when you are together & say something like have you ever had a cold sore? Whatever... just an idea. I've done it. I have also waited a while and made sure there was a real connection between us before telling (I waited to make sure there was a real connection between us before contracting herpes too )
I hope it works out for you.... I am dating again now too & will probobly be back on this board for advice myself sometime in the near future!! Good luck, let us know how it works out.

 
Old 09-13-2004, 06:06 PM   #6
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its_not_fair HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by missy12
Im in the same boat as you. I have avoided relationship for 3 years because I dont want to break down and tell someone about this. I recently meet someone that I really like and I have already had unprotected sex 2 times. I dont know what to do. I know that I can not avoid this much longer and I need to tell however I think that I have messed up by not speaking up before know. Do you think it would be wrong to tell him that I just found out?
Did anyone warn you that they had Herpes before they slept with you?

Me neither.

 
Old 09-13-2004, 07:04 PM   #7
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its_not_fair HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

i shoul add that if he happens to catch it, just act suprised by the news.

 
Old 09-13-2004, 10:58 PM   #8
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missjena01 HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by missy12
Im in the same boat as you. I have avoided relationship for 3 years because I dont want to break down and tell someone about this. I recently meet someone that I really like and I have already had unprotected sex 2 times. I dont know what to do. I know that I can not avoid this much longer and I need to tell however I think that I have messed up by not speaking up before know. Do you think it would be wrong to tell him that I just found out?
Both my parents have herpes, and after they divorced my dad did what you did, but just once. When he told her, she was livvid. But he did the flower thing and a lot of apologies, and they are married now.

 
Old 09-14-2004, 11:42 PM   #9
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SweetBee2 HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Ok... why do people keep posting that they're having unprotected sex? WHY? I mean, it happens - but it shouldn't. I don't care what you have or don't have - unless you're in a long term, committed relationship, be safe.

As for telling verses not telling. Put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you want someone to be fair and honest with you? I wish someone had been with me. For him, I wouldn't have risked it. However, were it one of my very important to me ex-boyfriends, I would.

 
Old 09-15-2004, 03:42 PM   #10
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backpacker HB Userbackpacker HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

My ex told me before we were married. I've told every guy I've ended up sleeping with. Any person with a sense of decency, or any respect at all for the other person, would not deliberately hide the truth from a potential partner. You can't take away a person's right to choose just because you may not like their choice--and you also may take away the chance to have a true, honest relationship with someone who has chosen to be with you after knowing all the facts. Not to make you feel bad, missy--sometimes we all make mistakes, esp when it has to do with relationships. It's going to be harder now, because you'll also have to be assuring him that you won't be dishonest with him again. But you can't treat him as your servant who doesn't get to choose for himself.

 
Old 09-17-2004, 11:13 PM   #11
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Jendolyn HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Hi,
This is my first post to the boards. I regularly check it and find this site very valuable.

I have to agree with Lacey Lilly. I think delivery is everything in the case of telling someone about herpes.

I walked around with herpes for over 10 years before I knew what it was. A doctor years ago diagnosed it as an "anal fissure". All I knew was that every year, 2 or 3 times a year, I'd get this very painful "fissure". Only years later when I unknowingly passed it on to someone I loved very much did I find out I had herpes. Needless to say, I was mortified.

The relationship didn't survive (not as a result of that), and since then I've had a few relationships where I've had to tell my prospective new partners about my "condition". I suffer from Type 1 herpes, which is the oral cold sore variety. So, when I discuss this with a new partner, I tell him that somewhere a long time ago someone who had cold sores, unknowingly (I believe this) passed them on to me through sexual contact. Because I know my body very well and understand the symptoms now when they arrive, I am able to tell my partners when we can't have sex. The term "cold sore" doesn't seem to have the same stigma as "herpes" even though they're essentially the same thing. So, that's the term I use. I tell my partners I get cold sores on my bum and no one bats an eye.

I have had this conversation 3 times and not once has the guy run out of the room screaming. Building up to telling someone is agony, I truly understand that. But know that with the right delivery, and the right man/woman, it will all work out. This I know for sure. I have been in my current relationship now for almost two years and herpes is something we work around but it in no way affects our relationship. Actually, it's become a non-issue.

You've probably heard this many times, but it's true that if your partner really values you they will want you no matter what. This would require you to get to know your partner first before you jump into a sexual relationship with them (not a bad idea for anyone). As one nurse explained to me: herpes is an annoyance but it's not life or death. I found that gave me comfort and helped give me the confidence to face my fears.

Anyway, I've babbled on enough. This posting has been therapeutic for me, and I hope it helps someone out there.

Good luck,

Jen

 
Old 09-18-2004, 02:55 AM   #12
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Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

Thank you, jendolyn, for a great post. Sorry if I sounded severe before. I was irritated at notfair for suggesting that you keep the truth hidden. I also have had only one man decline to have a sexual relationship with me because of herpes. He remained my friend and never put me down because of it. And as it turned out, I think it was lucky that I didn't get more involved with him.

 
Old 09-22-2004, 08:30 AM   #13
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eric420 HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

i just told someone last night ,this wasnt someone i was having a relationship with though ,just somone i was gonna have sex with,but i decided i should tell them and im the type of person that i told it in a way i couldnt get rejected really.i just pretty much ended the whole thing and told why.though the chick was nice she still reacted to it like i thought she would and im glad i made it clear right off the bat that it wasnt going to happen now.it was really hard to say though and of course i was hopin for an "it doesnt matter" but i knew it would.not the end of the world for me though because luckily i do have a girlfriend who knows about what i have and actually did react the way i wanted when i told her.all in all my expieriance with this new chick was good for me cuz it reminded me that im not gonna put myself out there to feel like this again and that my gf is so cool that she was gonna let me have sex with this chick hehehe but now im gonna be happy with what i have and try to put this **** in the past

 
Old 09-22-2004, 11:20 AM   #14
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PBABY HB User
Re: How do you tell a new partner you have herpes?

I told my current bf, and he was like "No big deal". It really didn't bother him. He said he had known/dated girls that told him that they had it. So he has heard it before. But he has been cool with it and when I had my last ob, I told him and he was fine with it. He knows it is something I'm gonna have forever. Sounds sweet doesn't he? Funny, b/c we have been in a HUGE fight for the past 4 days. Huge as in a possible-relationship-ending fight. It's been serious. And today, as expected, I am feeling a breakout coming on. Stress.

But bottom line, I was upfront with him about my H and he was cool with it. I was so relieved. Now if I can just get through this fight we're having.

 
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