Awesome Relationship She's Still Scared - Herpes Message Board

BTP · 03-21-2005, 10:06 PM

I'm GHSV2 positive. Found out about a year ago. I have only had one outbreak and it was very mild, as it only lasted about 3 days. I have been seeing the same girl for over a year. We started dating and then I went for the test. I was upfront with her right from the begining and she told me that she would wait to see if I was marriage material. She decided, infact that I was. We have not had intercourse but have done other things with no/low risk to her. I gave her all the info possible and we talked openly about the situation. She says she loves me and is in-love with me but that GH scares the hell out of her. She tested Neg. We broke up last week.
I am just so beside myself because anytime there has been a problem in my life I have been able tio FIX it. I can't fix this. I love her dearly and I know she loves me. We have a relationship that in her words is a "9" on a scale of 1-10. It's truly amazing we don't argue we laugh and genuinely enjoy being together no matter what we are doing. We have spoken twice since we broke up and she cries when we talk. God I wish I could fix this for her.
Now you are probably thinking ......Poor sap he really has it for this girl (which I do) and he hasn't come to terms with the fact he has this. Well I have and I guess I may be one of the lucky ones as I have only had one outbreak and I did not change anything in my diet or stress or anything. My answer to her was "if this is herpes it's not a big deal, I've had harder things to deal with than this". But she is so scared.
I started taking Valtrex daily, a month ago, so that I could reduce the risk. I'm willing to use condoms. I've been researching micobicides. All this will reduce the risk. She knows this and understands this. Still she is scared.
She told me if it was type 1 she would feel better about it. And even said that based on the facts her fears are irrational. It's that damn stigma! 1 is better than 2.
Do you all know how hard it is to find a 9 relationship? Its damn near impossible. So hear is what I intend to do. Most of you have given some good advice on here. (been through Happy Couples etc.) I love to hear what you would say to her. And I will make sure she reads all replies. So don't hold back.

Thanks,

BTP

hsvmom · 03-21-2005, 11:04 PM

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I don't really have any suggestions as to what to say to her, sorry. I do think though, that considering the amount of people with HSV out there (what is it, 1 in 4 or 1 in 5?) that someone would be more likely to come into contact with herpes through a partner who doesn't know they have it (and that's a lot of people!) than with a cautious partner that does know. I don't know if there are stats on it, but I would guess that most of us here probably got HSV from people who didn't know they had it, not people who knew and took precautions, but I guess I could be mistaken...

kierstyn_04 · 03-22-2005, 12:41 PM

Well Im female, I have Genital HSV2, I have had it for almost 3 years. The guy who gave it to me did not tell me. So I give you major props for doing that and being honest! After I got it, my dr tells me this 1 in 5 crap . . . I was thinking yeah right, then last week I was talking to one of my ex's. I kinda confided in him that was the reason I was unwilling to be intimate with him again, and he tells me he has it, but hasnt had a break out in a long itme, so there you go I was technically exposed to it long before I got it and from another man other than the one that gave it to me. So chances are over your life time you could have been exposed to it and not even known, its not all that openly talked about.
Now as for my sex life now. I am on supressive valtrex and I use condoms, I have not passed it to anyone, I know this is only in my case, but I havent. There have been quite a few times that I have had sex without a condom, just while making sure that I had no symptoms and was still on valtrex, and still I have not passed it to anyone. So Personally, in my opinion . . there are ways around this.
From my experience above and from reading your post . . . . he was open and honest about it, A LOT of men are not, hence how most of us got it. SO you could make a informend decision to be with a man who is open and honest and take the known precautions . . or move on to your next relationship and "hope" he tells you!!!! Mine didnt. Granted it took me 2 years to contract it, but I had no idea till it happened.
Thats my opinion. but its your body, good luck.

lbp35 · 03-22-2005, 01:15 PM

I was in the exact same situation as her!Met Mr Right, perfect man, perfect relationship...one problem, herpes. I was scared to death also.Went back & forth for a long time about what to do.We used condoms and were as careful as we could be.One time we broke up for other reasons,I was devasted! I really loved him and it was then I decided I would have accept EVERYTHING good and bad.We are married now and our trying to have a baby, everything is wonderful. I do not have genital herpes but I do have type 1 oral since I was a little girl. I agree with the other person who said she might not be as lucky next time and she might be with someone who is not as honest.This happened to my best friend, she now has gh.What a small world and here I was thinking no one else I know has h that I know!!!!!I wish you good luck and hopefully she will come to realize that if you two get married, someday there will be bigger things than h to be concerned with. It's a skin problem, it could be ALOT worse.She might trade having a guy without h for someone who she doesn't have a good relationship with or worse, he could end up to be abusive. God bless & I hope it all works out for you!