Re: married with herpes
First off, how were you both diagnosed? And do you both know what type you have? If you don't know, you both should find out by either asking for your test results, or getting a blood test. Those things are important.
Assuming you both have the same "type" down there (either 1 or 2):
1) You CAN have unprotected vaginal sex without worrying about causing outbreaks in one another. Once you are infected...you are infected. More exposure to the same type of virus won't make it any worse (you already have the anti-bodies, and the virus has already set-up a permanent "herpes factory" in the nerve ganglia at the base of your spine). So in short, if you both have the same "type" down there...you can have sex without worry. However, it is generally not advisable to have sex during outbreaks anyway...for reasons of comfort, and the slight possibility that it is possible to infect other parts of the body (such as your fingers if you happen to make use of them during the sex). But strictly unprotected vaginal sex is safe either way.
2) Oral sex is another story. If you do not already have oral herpes (cold sores), you run the risk of getting it from performing oral sex. However, if either of you has already had cold sores in the past, then there is nothing to worry about when performing oral sex on your partner. If you have it orally, its probably HSV-1, and the fact that you already have HSV-1 (which prefers the oral area) means that you are either unlikely to get HSV-2 (if thats what you have orally) OR that if you do happen to get it however unlikely, it won't make a difference because HSV-2 orally is NOT active (meaning it rarely, if ever, recurs in the oral area).
Hope this helps...and if there is anything I can clear up, let me know.