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Old 05-09-2005, 09:19 AM   #1
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SophiaM HB User
Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

Hi. First, a bit of a background. I am pretty sure I got herpes from my ex-fiance, who I met when I was only 22, that's ten years ago (we didn't end up getting married). However, I didn't have any symptoms and didn't know I had it until less then two years ago, soon after breaking up with my last boyfriend. In fact, I was considering that I might have caught it from my last boyfriend, since it would seem unlikely the virus would have been dormant for so many years.

Ok, so now back to the present. I pretty much avoided sex and relationships since I found out about the herpes. But recently my last ex-boyfriend came back to my life, sounding like he wanted to be with me again. He started calling me every day, telling me he missed me, etc. We went out a few times, and although I was extremely scared, I decided that I had to tell him about the herpes. I still love him so much that I couldn't imagine not telling him. So at first he didn't take it too badly. I was actually surprised. He hugged me for a long time and we talked and he asked me some questions. He called the next day, which I thought was a good sign. I was SO relieved and happy when he called and sounded completely normal. But then he started doing more and more research on the internet about it. Then he was busy at work so I didn't see him for more than a week. Finally, he invited me over this past weekend and I have to say, it was the most horrible weekend of my life. From the research he did, he became completely paranoid about herpes. He kissed me and touched me, but only my upper body. He made me wear some horrible ugly sweatpants, which were way too big on me, to bed. He hugged me only after he wrapped himself entirely in the blanket and wouldn't even let me touch his legs with my legs. I didn't even had an outbreak, and haven't had one for months. I wanted to be hugged so much and wanted to touch him, but he kept saying how selfish i am for making him do things he's uncomfortable doing for now. I felt like some contaminated, disgusting, ugly person. This is the man who I know and who used to be extremely attracted to me, and he was the one who contacted me and wanted to go out again. Anyway, he dropped me off in the morning and told me he doesn't think it will work with us.

I cried for the rest of the weekend and am still crying. He is the only guy I ever had the courage to tell about this, and I care so much about him, and here's what I get in return. I honestly can't picture living like this if every man is going to have the same reaction. I don't think I can even go through such an experience again. Is it really THAT contagious? My outbreaks, when I get them, are barely noticeable, but yet just the fact I have herpes is ruining my entire life. I am feeling so horrible and empty inside, as if someone hit me in the head with a heavy object. I want to have a happy life. Always wanted to get married and have a baby. How is it EVER going to be possible, when the info now is that you can get herpes from practically breathing the same air as the person who has it? I am beyond devastated right now. Sure enough, I got an outbreak today, from all the stress and obsessing about it. My ex boyfriend seemed to be willing to take a chance until he did the research. Any advice or even just encouragement would be highly appreciated.

Last edited by SophiaM; 05-09-2005 at 09:28 AM.

 
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Old 05-09-2005, 09:50 AM   #2
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kierstyn_04 HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

I feel so bad for you. Not all men are like that. I know he is the one you wanted to react well to this, and there is probably not much I can say to make you feel better. I had one guy react badly, by badly he said that he wasnt cool with it and we'd just be friends and 2 react ok, one just said ok we'll use condoms. That was that. The one thing i can say is that I HATE what the internet shows!!!!! Thats nothing like what I have and honestly it freaks me out too. Chances are he saw the most graphic pictures . . . nothing like what we really have. I think those pics are outdated and from the early 80's. Im sorry this happened to you. If you want my honest opinion . . . . be friends with him, be close with him and see if he comes around or changes his mind. Maybe talking to you more, tellin ghim that if youre on valtrex and you simply use a condom your risks are really fairly low. Let us know how it turns out . . . . .

 
Old 05-09-2005, 10:08 AM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

Thank you Kierstyn. Yes, I think the internet makes the whole thing a lot worse than it is. I told him my symptoms were extremely mild, but he read that it doesn't really predict in what his symptoms might be, should he get it from me. I don't think I can talk to him anymore. After how he treated me this weekend, I felt so humiliated. I actually told him to never call me or speak to me again. Which is not what I really want in my heart, but I just can't stand being treated this way. Like I said, he wrapped himself in a blanket to HUG me! What's next, wearing a war-time anti-contamination suit?? I never felt worse in my life.

At the same time, I also question myself that maybe I shouldn't have gotten so upset and told him to never call again? I don't know anymore. I would love to be with him and marry him, but I don't think he's that serious about me. If he were, I don't think he would have behaved this way. right?

Last edited by SophiaM; 05-09-2005 at 10:16 AM.

 
Old 05-09-2005, 11:37 AM   #4
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kierstyn_04 HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

What about writing him a letter. Im not kidding. SOmtimes I express myself better on paper than with words. Email if you must, but I feel paper is better. Tell him that you feel he has got some wrong information, that their are "bad sites" out there and that if you didnt "care about protecting him" you just plain wouldnt have told him. Obviously you care, you told him. I just think sometimes letters work out better. That and the face to face thing isnt easy. After reading yout post I went and typed in some stuff into my search engine . . . . . . . oh my! Those pics are horrible, and the info . . . . The valtrex site was one of the better ones. Maybe you coudl screen some and give him some correct info. I wish he woudl have been more patient, me nad my "current guy" have been together for over a year now and we use condoms 95% of the time and Im on Valtrex supressively and he has no signs of it at all. Were just careful. Then again has he ever been tested, we could go back to that theory . . . . some people dont even know they have it. if one in 4 have it and you've had sex with more than 4 people, you chances are pretty good that he was with someone that wasnt as honest as you were. I hope you feel better soon! Not all guys are like that!

 
Old 05-09-2005, 11:57 AM   #5
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

I know, that's exactly what I told him. He was actually pretty promiscuous after his divorce, and it's ironic that he doesn't have anything (he got tested for everything, according to him), and I do. It's very likely he was sleeping with someone who had it before and just didn't know it. Actually, if it's true that I didn't get it from him, then it means I also had it during the time we were dating almost 2 years ago, only it was dormant.

But I don't know about writing him. I feel like he should have been more appreciative of the fact that I was honest with him and that I was patiently waiting for his decision. If he was that paranoid about it, why drag me to his place and then put me through all this humilliation, only to inform me that it's not going to work the next morning? Why not tell me on the phone, "I thought about it and given the info I found out, I just can't do it. Thanks for your honesty." Believe it or not, he wanted me to give him oral sex while wearing a condom! And I don't have oral herpes. How bizarre is that? I was insulted and refused. I don't picture this way of living. Everything is a risk nowadays and I don't want to spend my life being treated like some sort of a walking disease. I am attractive, intelligent, educated, and I have been through too much in my life to be put through this. As much as I love him, my pride doesn't let me call him or write him any explanations. I think if he loved me, he would have at least been more sensitive.

 
Old 05-09-2005, 04:32 PM   #6
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beaker24 HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I know, that's exactly what I told him. He was actually pretty promiscuous after his divorce, and it's ironic that he doesn't have anything (he got tested for everything, according to him), and I do.
Is he aware that it is necessary to specifically ask for herpes testing, as it is not included in the standard STD screen?

 
Old 05-10-2005, 06:56 AM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by beaker24
Is he aware that it is necessary to specifically ask for herpes testing, as it is not included in the standard STD screen?
I pointed that to him also, but he said he DID specifically ask to be tested for herpes also. He said he got tested a few months ago and everything was negative. I find it a bit surprising that he requested a herpes test. I wouldn't have known. When I used to ask to be tested for everything, I just assumed it was everything and had no idea they didn't include HSV test in the pannel. It's also a bit strange that I started having symptoms shortly after breaking up with him. But if I got it from him and he did in fact have it, there would be no reason for him to act so insanely paranoid, I think. He never showed me the results, by the way.

 
Old 05-11-2005, 03:28 PM   #8
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backpacker HB Userbackpacker HB User
Re: Feeling Horrible & Need encouragement--please help

Sophia, I think you have just seen his true colors under stress. I think you know deep down, if not from reading on this site (like the Happy Couples thread), that many men do not react that badly, and show more sympathy for the one infected than you got. I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to decide he doesn't want to chance it, but he could have been much gentler with you. Sounds like he doesn't even trust you or know how good of a person you really are. I think perhaps you need to convince yourself that he's not good enough for you, and that if you got what you wished for (be careful what you wish, for you may get it), as I did 20 years ago, you would probably have many more painful humiliations and a devastating divorce after several years. I mean, a guy can be concerned about himself but also compassionate and sensitive to your feelings, y'know?

Don't tell yourself that all guys will be like him. All guys are individuals. Some even have herpes.

You are worth more than that. You are worth a guy who simply doesn't want to live without you, no matter what. He's out there.

 
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