i'm 17 years old and i got genital herpes a few months ago from some jerk who raped me. i don't want to be with anyone ever again because i'd feel horrible if i gave herpes to someone else, like this person did to me. i'm not allowing myself to get close to anyone again, i stopped talking to my ex boyfriend because i couldn't live with myself if we became intimate again and i gave it to him. i'm gonna meet all these great people and NONE of them will want to be with me because i'll give them herpes. anybody else feel like i do?
You are so young, and you have your whole life ahead of you... I know right now, the world may seem to be crashing in on you, but I can assure you that having herpes is NOT the end of the world, far from it.
I too got herpes at a very young age, and I felt the same way you did. I have had it over a decade now, and am in the happiest relationship.
I was in a relationship with someone who got cold sores on his mouth, He gave me oral sex just prior to his cold sore showing up & 2 weeks later I got genital herpes. Even though he gave it to me, it was still hard to tell him once I knew what I had... I was afraid he wouldn't want me anymore, after all, he didn't have it genitally. Long, long story short, he did not care, he felt awful and we ended long after that because I just did not want to be with him anymore for other reasons. But still, I was young and did not know if I could ever tell anyone something so personal. I was so depressed and never thought I would date ever again. But life does not stop.... it goes on, and boys liked me, and all I could think was that they wouldn't if they knew.
Well one day this boy liked me, and all I could think of was if I didn't have herpes we would probably live happily ever after.... I just wanted to know what it would be like to go out on a date with him, so I thought to myself.. do it once and that's it. So I did. We had so much fun together, when he dropped me off home, he called me when he got home & we stayed on the phone till the morning, I liked him so so much. He asked me out again, and I went, and again, and I went, and again & again & again... I would never let our kissing go past our clothes, but 2 months into it he was starting to go nuts & asked me WHY??
We had become so close, and I knew I just had to tell him. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my whole life at that point. I was hysterical crying at that point. I told him that I would not disclose who I got it from because I think it is personal (and to this day, I never did tell any partners who it was) and then I told him that even if he did not want to be with me anymore that he have that same respect for me & never tell anyone the information that I trusted him with. He hugged me & told me how sorry he was that I had gone though this, and that he still liked me... we kept dating, however he stopped trying to get past my clothes, and all I could think was that now he didn't want to because of what I told him about myself. After another month, he asked me if I was ready! I told him I had been ready since I told him and we became intimate that very moment.
Now I know that was a long story, but I could go on & on. I could tell you everytime I had told a new partner. I have never been turned away by anyone I ever told, and I also never passed herpes on to any of my partners (knock on wood).
But there is one thing I think is very important when telling someone, and this could be a "bright" side of having herpes.... it makes you think long & hard about who you date... becoming friends first is very important. It should eliminate the "one night stands" because you could get something far worse than herpes. For me, I became very close with my partners first, dated them for a long time before I told them, up to and including my current boyfriend. I recently asked him, "if we had only been dating a week or two & I told you I had herpes, would you have still continued to date me?" and he acutally said he wasn't sure! that he probably would have, but he would not have been nearly as attached to me as he was when I told him a few months down the line. So if I can give you any advice at all, it is just to be as good of a person as you can possibly be, let your future boyfriends get to know YOU, and once you have the friendship part of it, then disclose the necessary information to take your relationship to the next level.
Sorry this was so long.
I wish you luck, love & happiness
The Following User Says Thank You to good2Bme For This Useful Post: mollypink (05-03-2012)
thanks so much for your post, it really means a lot that you took the time to write that to me. no offense to anyone at this board, but i just don't see how a guy would want to be with a girl who has herpes when he can just find one who doesn't )= it's not fair because i was never the girl that just hooks up with random guys, i've only been with two people my whole life and they were serious boyfriends (if you can call high school relationships serious?). it feels like i've had a constant outbreak the last 2 months or so, and it's a constant reminder of the night of my rape. sorry if i'm complaining, this just sucks )=
The way you feel right now is totally normal. I was in the same exact boat as you are right now... I ONLY had long term boyfriends, never slepts around as some of my friends did, and I was so ashamed by it, I never told anyone other than my mom, never any friends because I never knew who I could trust.
What you are going through reminds me so much of myself. I went through the exact same thing... thinking I would never date again, never get married or have children.... But I did date again, I am now with the man I am going to marry & have children with... and before him there were plenty of potential others that wanted to be with me (herpes & all). Like I said in my other post, this will now eliminate the "one night stands" that might have been in your future & keep you from getting something far worse, and now you will get to know someone well first... date them for a long time & tell them you are not ready to be intimate... this time will allow you to really get to know if they are someone you want to be with, and give them time to get to know & care about YOU. I am sure your herpes story is a difficult one being that you were raped, anyone who cares for you will STILL care for you.
As for your constant outbreak that you said you have been having..
If you have not heard this before, stress is a big factor in an outbreak, and you have been stressed about this, so first you need to relax, try yoga. Are you taking vitamins? Try taking 1000mg of L-Lysine a day, and don't forget to take vitamin C. There are so many home remedies on this board if you read through. If all else fails, you can try suppressive therapy, like Valtrex. Please talk to your doctor about this... and do yourself a favor and ask your doctor how common herpes is, how many people date, marry & have children.... not all doctors have good bed side manor... but when I was going through what you are right now, my doctor was also my best source of info/therapist! I always felt so much better after talking to her about my concerns.
Herpes in not a serious disease!
Take care sweetie, and I am always here for you.
You will overcome this eventually, after all its just too soon for you to think about a normal sex life. I have had herpes for 15 years, and let me tell you when I first found out I felt like my sex life was over, but after all this time, it doesn't even cross my mind unless I have a breakout, then its like "honey, I have a breakout, so no sex for a week" my husband is fine with it. I have been married to him for 19 months, but we have been together just over 2 years now and he has NEVER gotten it from me, you just have to start taking lysine which is a natural supplement to keep your system up, do some research on other natural things and get a positive attitude. They say that 5% of people can still spread the virus even when you aren't having an active breakout, but I have NEVER given this evil demon to anyone else, and I have had lots of sex since I got it, I have been married 3 times, so I feel pretty safe, you just need to work through all of this, its NOT the end of the world and your life will go on!
Last edited by shelley49001; 10-07-2005 at 08:05 AM.
Reason: spelled a word wrong
Thank you sacredhelp,
Without knowing it, you were able to brighten my outlook on things as well. I am 19 and was diagnosed a little over a month ago. I would really like to continue dating, but am very scared to tell guys my age. I really dont think guys around my age are mature enough to accept this information. I do have one guy-friend, who is getting closer. I do see this as a potential relationship. As far as I know, he is H-free. I would really like the opportunity to know what kind of precautions you took with your former bf's (sexually) to make sure they didnt get infected. I can understand how sex works... use a condom, dont have sex during prodrome(even though I dont know what that feels like yet) or during an OB, but what about oral. (Sorry if this is too personal!) Were you ALWAYS protected?? I cant imagine what using dental dam would be like. Thanks again for the bright outlook...I just hope I will find men who accept me and my "imperfections"