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Old 12-01-2005, 06:32 PM   #1
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WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Hi! I was diagnosed a few months ago with H and am no longer with the partner who passed it on to me. I have started to date another man and we have had 3 dates. I was wondering when it is the right time to bring up my skin condition? I want the person to like me for who I am and not this small part of me... I want him to get a good idea of who I am before I tell him...but I also don't want to leave it too long so that when I do tell him, he may feel like I lied by omission. I know it is a matter of trust as well, this is not something to tell someone you don't trust either. It is a confusing thing for me right now! Anyone have any advice or posts to bump up for me??? Thanks so much.

 
Old 12-02-2005, 07:37 PM   #2
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braizzle HB User
Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

I'm going through the same thing.. almost. I contracted herpes a little over 2 years ago. I have hsv-1, so my general thought is that it's not nearly as contagious as type 2, but I have it down below just the same. So about a year ago I ended up sleeping with a guy that I had had previously dated for a brief time before I got herpes. But I didnt tell him. I havent told anyone besides my best friend, and my therapist. I havent even brought it up with the guy that gave it to me, so its definately a subject that I have a hard time talking about. Anyway. after I slept with this guy a year ago, I felt so ashamed that I didnt tell him, so I stopped talking to him. (immature I know) So now, a year later, we started talking again. Things are great between us, and for the first time in 2 years I actually feel like the relationship has a future. I'm flying out to see him next weekend, and I am soooo scared. I really want to talk about this with him, but I worry that he will be mad that I didnt tell him sooner. I am scared that I will be stranded half way across the states with someone who finds me disgusting. My fears of rejection are overwhelming!!! So yeah, whats the best way to discuss this stuff???

 
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Old 01-04-2006, 07:01 PM   #3
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

I'm sort of curious about this too. I'm not 100% sure I have hsv. The swab test I had recently came back negative, but my doctor thought it looked like. I'll have to wait for blood test results to know for sure.
Assuming that I have hsv, I'm not sure when to inform a new partner. It seems like a good majority of the people on this message board found out about their hsv status after they were already in a relationship. If someone is already in love, it is probably a lot easier to accept.
I am paranoid that the next person I become involved with won't want to continue the relationship after I tell them about my hsv. It would be great if people added stories to this thread about their experiences telling new partners.

 
Old 01-06-2006, 07:46 PM   #4
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Hey you guys! I posted my situation a while back in the thread Happy Couples...which I highly rec you check out when you have time.

I was dx'd with HSV2 4 months into my marriage. My husband never told me he had it, until the morning I woke up in terrible pain. He so matter of factly looked at my genital area and said "you have herpes, here take this" (and he handed my a bottle of Acyclovir) and "you'll feel better in a day or two."

We ended up divorcing almost 2 years later (for other reasons). I tried desperately for a long time to make things work, because I couldn't imagine ever telling anyone that I have this. But, I realized I could never trust him again and decided to move on.

I ended up meeting someone a year later and struggling with the thought of when to tell him. I don't think there's any way to know exactly when to tell a new partner. You have to go with your instincts and consider how well you know the person. I definitely knew I would wait til I felt comfortable enough with him and that I could trust him not to tell anyone else whether he stayed involved with me or not. I believe I told him after 3-4 weeks of dating and we were just starting to get initimate (alot of kissing and heavy petting).

You definitely should tell someone before things get real heavy and let it be there decision to get more involved or not.

 
Old 01-06-2006, 07:50 PM   #5
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlebo
You definitely should tell someone before things get real heavy and let it be there decision to get more involved or not.
I agree with littlebo 100%! This one guy I was dating has herpes and thank God he gave me the power to decide whether to go forward with our dating relationship or to leave. I chose to leave for the fear of contracting herpes, but he liked and respected me and himself enough to tell me before anything happened.

Telling your partner before you have sex is the right thing to do.

 
Old 01-07-2006, 10:09 AM   #6
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

I agree. The worst fear is that someone will leave, but I know for a fact had my ex told me he had herpes, I think I would not have had sex with him at all.

He never told me and I got it through viral shedding, so I know for a fact that the virus is transmittable when there are no visible signs....and it changed my life. None of us asked for this, we probably all got it through loving or lusting someone. And now we have it for the rest of our lives.

But, we all deal with it in a different way. I have a good male buddy who has it and he NEVER tells girls, and he rarely uses a condom. His reasoning is that '' no one told me so I dont care''! I get so mad at him for thinking like that, but on the other hand his break outs are minimal so maybe he never experienced a dreadful primary o/b or an o/b that was severe enough to show what herpes can really be like. My primary o/b landed me in the hospital and the first year of outbreaks were all severe, so maybe in my mind I am permanently traumatized about what herpes did to me. Who knows, we all deal with it differently.

I wont take a chance with silence, people need to have the choice whether to walk away. In Canada, people are charged with attempted murder for not telling a partner that they have HIV. I know it is a severe charge, and I dont necessarily agree with it because it is also the partners choice to use protection to prevent STD's...but I know for a fact that when I found out my ( now ex fiancee ) gave me herpes ( and did not seem to care at all ), I wanted to blow his balls off. Despite what some people say ( it is not that bad ), I think it is awful. My life changed 100%...I have a permanent STD that is highly contagious. Hmmmmm.....am I happy about it? Hell no! Do I deal with it? Sometimes, but it is always in the back of my mind that I have herpes and I can possibly transmit it to a partner. If a partner is willing to take a risk, then fine, but if they walk, I cry, I feel ashamed of what I have but I cant blame them.

I just hope that they find a cure for this!

 
Old 01-08-2006, 11:48 AM   #7
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

I have now had HSV1 for over a year now. Since my awful primary outbreak I am fortunate enough never to have been bothered by it again, physically. It is the mental aspect of things that still bothers me. Although I would say I am dealing with it a lot better now (mentally), I find that I'm still letting it ruin any future relationships because I am so petrified of the possible rejection. I would like to think that there is someone out there who would love me no matter what, but at the end of the day, I just don't know how I would have reacted about it, had it been a partner in my situation, telling me. I still don't like the thought of telling someone about my situation, them rejecting me, and possibly telling others about it...I know this would mean they weren't the person I'd thought they were and that I'd be better off without them anyway, but the thought of other people knowing my private business worries me!
Any more stories about how and when some of you guys told partners would be really reassuring and appreciated!

 
Old 01-09-2006, 08:10 PM   #8
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stillme23 HB User
Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by chiana
I'm sort of curious about this too. I'm not 100% sure I have hsv. The swab test I had recently came back negative, but my doctor thought it looked like. I'll have to wait for blood test results to know for sure.
Assuming that I have hsv, I'm not sure when to inform a new partner. It seems like a good majority of the people on this message board found out about their hsv status after they were already in a relationship. If someone is already in love, it is probably a lot easier to accept.
I am paranoid that the next person I become involved with won't want to continue the relationship after I tell them about my hsv. It would be great if people added stories to this thread about their experiences telling new partners.
swabs are very rarely inaccurate, I am surprised your doctor still thinks you may have herpes.

To answer when you should tell a potential partner, well I think it varies from person to person. DEFINITELY before you have sex, but other then that, take your time, get to know the person first and let them get to know you as well. 3 dates sounds a little soon to me but of course I don't know you or how your relationship with this person is progressing. But I honestly would not rush it, if he starts pressuring you into having sex keep telling him you are not ready, if he is at all a good guy then he will not mind waiting for it...

 
Old 01-10-2006, 06:42 AM   #9
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

The problem with dating today is that sex is desired and sometimes expected very early in the relationship (after a few dates). Not having sex with someone you find desirable and want to develop a relationship with is not only hard, but can sometimes send up red flags to the person you are dating (I hear men say that a woman's reluctance to get physical indicates that sex is not an important part of a relationship to them and they are more likely to terminate a possible relationship for that reason alone!). Also, it seems as if men usually need to have sex in order to feel an emotional bond with someone. So it really is a catch 22 issue. If you tell them before having sex - they will walk (because there is no emotional bond); if you put off having sex until you've got more of a bond - they will walk (because they won't want to wait); if you go ahead and have sex when it is desired by both parties and then tell them at a later date - will they still walk? (assuming you have not transmitted it to them.)

I know of three women who did the latter example above - one was having unprotected sex for well over a year with someone and they were engaged before telling him. - All three men continued to stay in the relationship after being told. And to the the best of my knowledge - none of the men contracted HSV from these woman. In fact, two of the couples are still together (one for 6 years, the other 11 years). I'm not justifying it - just offering a different viewpoint.

I also know two men who - through blood testing - tested positive for HSV1 but neither have ever shown any visual symptoms. One knows he has it in the genital region because the reason he got tested was because his girlfriend had an outbreak and she was faithful to him, so he got tested and found out he had it and must have passed it on to her (they have subsequently broken up for other reasons). The other man got tested because finally - someone he was in a relationship with, insisted on a full STD screening. Both these men had several sexually relationships before they knew they had HSV and obviously never told anyone. And even now that they know - they still do not tell current partners - and they are having UNPROTECTED sex too!

So, comparingly - the people on this board who have written in suggesting to always tell before any sexual contact are obviously the cautious and ethical ones (and not everyone I know are reckless or uncaring - I know some other herpes folks who would always disclose beforehand).

So, it seems that if you are HSV free and want to stay that way - you need to either insist on seeing an up to date blood test from your prospective partner or you are better off dating someone who has herpes and actually has experienced outbreaks! Because someone who has suffered from outbreaks can learn what an outbreak feels like before it happens. They can learn to sense when the virus is active on the skin before there are any visual symptoms (and can confirm it by using H2O2 to detect the active virus). If your partner claims to be D&D free (but hasn't been recently tested) - he/she could easily be a herpes carrier but has simply never had an outbreak. If he/she doesn't show any symptoms - then they will never learn what it feels like when the virus is active on their skin and therefore, can easily transmit it to you or others.

 
Old 01-10-2006, 07:19 AM   #10
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by chiana
It would be great if people added stories to this thread about their experiences telling new partners.
I met my husband in 2000. We talked on the phone for hours at a time for 2 wks. before our first date. I knew that I had HSV but did not tell him. We had sex on our 3rd date (I think). I never, never had sex with him unprotected. I never had sex with him AT ALL if I felt an outbreak coming on. About 3 mths into our relationship things were getting pretty serious. We had both been married before and sworn off ever doing it again but it just felt right. I decided that I had to tell him. I didn't think about it. As soon as I made the decision I called him and insisted he come over because I had to talk to him now- then I hung up the phone. I was afraid I would back out if I waited. He lived about an hour and half away but I swear he got to my house in like 45 minutes! What's wrong? What's wrong? He was totally panicked. So I sat him down and told him that I had HSV, it is a STD, and that I believed I got it from my first husband. It took a minute to get it all out because I was crying uncontrollably; scared to death he would walk out. You know what he said? THANK GOD!
I'm thinking, "Excuse me? Thank God? What?" He took a hold of me, held me up close and said--- "I was afraid you didn't want to see me any more."
I was SO relieved. I explained that we would always have to be careful about sex, condoms all the time, no sex during OB's. He was fine with it. We've been married for almost 4 yrs. We no longer use protection b/c (as naive as it sounds) we know we will always be together. He doesn't care if he gets it- but- he has never shown any signs of having it either. He could have it and just not have OB's, I don't know. He is fully aware of how painful it can be, he's had to watch me 'carefully' sit down on more than one occasion. He's just not concerned about it.

Now I know that there are some of you who have horror stories of telling a partner. But I just wanted to let you know that in my opinion it's really no loss if they run. Something like 3 out of every 4 sexually active adults has this disease. They just don't know it yet. I've had it for almost 7 yrs. Does it suck? Yeah, but it's not the end of the world. I have had horrible OB's, but I know it's coming and I deal with it. I'm not taking Aclovir (sp?) or any other 'script to deal with it. I live my life just like everyone else does. Being newly diagnosed is hard to deal with. My advice would be to take yourself out of the "dating scene" for a bit until you come to terms with it. If you just HAVE to have sex- protect your partner. If you're having an OB, stay home that night. There are ways to deal with this w/out turning your life upside down.

 
Old 01-11-2006, 05:04 AM   #11
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

whats up, my best friend just contracted H and he is freaking out. we used to go out and do the whole guy thing with the drinking and chasing girls, etc... i know this is a little off subject but i couldnt find a thread for this. are there ways to meet girls who already have herpes? maybe certain bars? he is so afraid of even going back to college.

 
Old 01-11-2006, 05:40 AM   #12
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Beardog:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImTheLucky1
My advice would be to take yourself out of the "dating scene" for a bit until you come to terms with it. If you just HAVE to have sex- protect your partner. If you're having an OB, stay home that night. There are ways to deal with this w/out turning your life upside down.
I wouldn't encourage anyone to go "seeking" someone that has HSV. There are some twisted people out there and your friend could end up in a situation he doesn't want to be in. If he's freaking out that bad you could either bring him on here or call a local hospital and ask if they have a support group of some kind. Once again, remind him that most sexually active people have this disease and just don't know it. Considering that you run with the same circle of people- have YOU been tested?

 
Old 01-11-2006, 12:30 PM   #13
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ohcanada HB User
Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Everyone deals with it differently and I truly believe it is the severity of the outbreaks that determines that. If someone has painful, visible outbreaks frequently, they are more prone to be in constant reminder that they have herpes, and probably are going through physical upset as well as emotional. The ones that have no symptoms, are the ones who dont know they have herpes... I feel for your friend as I too could not consider dating after being diagnosed.

I have a few friends who have herpes and some of them rarely get an outbreak, and find dating easy because they have sort of forgotten they have it. Regardless I feel for your friend and I understand completely what he is going through. Not of all us can pick up and move along with our new disease and diagnosis, especially when everywhere in the world you read that genital herepes is taboo or you hear peer jokes about herpes and have to see it on some tv shows.

There are herpes dating sites! And I do recommend them! Of course you may get freaks but you get them on regular singles sites too. I have met wonderful friends on the herpes dating sites, especailly the ones you have to '' pay for''...which allow you to post a picture and correspond with the person from the site to help protect privacy until you are ready to move forward on to futher contact.

I dont think I am allowed to post the names of the sites on this board, but you can to to your search engine and type in herpes dating. A few will come up, one of the best ones starts with an A, is 7 letters and ends with an A. You can check it out!

Good luck to your friend, and stay on this board too, it is a great source of knowledge.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 01:40 PM   #14
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megarra HB User
Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Well, I just did it, and got rejected. We'd been dating for a month, had about 5 dates, and we were getting physical. I knew it was time for him to know. The relationship had progressed to the point where we talked on the phone every day, it was obvious we were not dating others, and during the last month, had shared a lot of personal information with each other. I thought he was a very sensitive man and felt he really liked me a lot. I know I liked him and just had this one hurdle to go through before letting my "guard" totally down.

It was after we had some physical intimacy but no sex. I told him matter of fact like. Told him that I had been outbreak free for a while and knew my body well and the symptoms that came with an OB. Told him that dating me was probably safer than dating someone who claims they don't have it but has never been tested, due to the number of folks who don't present symptoms. He listened, asked questions and seemed to take it pretty well. He didn't change the way he acted around me (still was affectionate, etc.). But called me the next day and said he couldn't continue, that he simply wasn't ready for a committed relationship (though we NEVER even talked about that!). But, I didn't question him - the timing was too much of a coincidence, thus I know it was the disclosure that drove him away.

It's hard, it sucks and I wish everyone was educated about it and realize that it is a medically innocuous virus. I hate dating...

 
Old 01-19-2006, 04:53 PM   #15
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Re: WHEN do you tell a potential partner

Wait sweetie!

Think for a minute- maybe he took u telling him that as a serious step and really meant that he just wasn't ready. I know when you hear the standard "it's not you, it's me" that you think its a cop out but sometimes that's really the truth. So, maybe this guy was really telling you the truth. Did you ask him? I would have. Just a "well, does this have to do with what I told you?" Don't give up. My guy took it really well and that's not going to be the average. But the way I look at it is if you can find someone who's willing to take on all your problems (and trust me I have many) then that's definately the right guy for you!

 
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