It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Herpes Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-27-2006, 02:23 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 126
yourspecialmiss HB User
Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

It's been a while since I posted and that's because I had accepted the fact that I have this virus for life. I come on time to time to check up on everyone but I don't post for the most part.

Well, the most unbelievable thing happened to me recently. I met someone and fell in love -- at first sight. I mean really, I was in love by the end of our first date and the great thing is that he felt the same.

Our relationship took off and we ended up sleeping together by the first week of us knowing eachother. I DID THE UNTHINKABLE and I was so extremely chicken and selfish because I didn't tell him. How can I love him SOOO MUCHHH and be so scared and selfish that I couldn't protect him from my virus?!! . I finally worked up the nerve to tell him about my virus about 2-3 weeks into our relationship. My man took it hard but, he remained true to his spirit (the whole reason I fell inlove with him).

He didn't tell me he hated me, he didn't scream, he didn't get MAD...He said "Oh man ___(my name)___. I 'm not cool with this. I am really disappointed. I expect better from you." I was so torn. I am still soo soooo soooo torn. I cried and he cuddled me and we talked about it. We talked and talked but he had doubts about continuing a relationship with me...even though he still loves me. He said he needed to think things over.

Well, lastnight he came over. We ate dinner, studied, talked and then he said the unthinkable. My heart stopped. My life stopped. I don't know how I am writing this. My 1 in a million, love of a lifetime told me that we need to break up. Not because he is not willing to take the risk of catching HSV (if he hasn't already) but, because I betrayed his trust. I did not tell him. It is obvious that he still loves me but he is focused on the principle of my actions and he will not concede to my betrayal and continue a relationship with me.

I am torn . I pleaded, I cried, I bargained...I did everything but he will not budge. I know he loves me ...this man really loves me but, he will not let me slide so easily. i have betrayed his trust and now my life is over.

I just needed to vent...I needed to tell someone my story...and I just need some gleam of hope that we may reconcile in the future. He said that we can be friends (when I am ready to contact him) and maybe I'll regain his trust. I don't know guys - i don't know if it's possible to reinstate the amount of trust that he once had in me. I love this man so much. I want him in my life.

He inspires me to be a better person. I respect him so much on so many levels. He is the exact man that I have been looking for ...he's a perfect match for my soul. I don't know what to do or how to deal. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I hope it holds us together.


Thank you for reading.

Last edited by yourspecialmiss; 04-27-2006 at 02:26 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-27-2006, 02:52 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,542
keepsgoin HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

I'm sorry to hear about this....SEE guys, this is exactly what I was talking about in that thread about "How to tell your partner"...many people were saying that if you use protection and you don't have an OB then it's basically OK to keep it a secret but MY point was what if someone that you have sex with ends up being "THE ONE" and so then how do you go back and tell them that you kept this from them? I think it's very likely to go just like what happened to you. Maybe he'll change his mind when he's had a chance to think about it.

You did use protection I hope?!
__________________
I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 04-27-2006, 03:15 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 126
yourspecialmiss HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

We used protection but not always. I've also heard many stories that condoms do not work in your favor because the latex dries you out and the friction causes tearing. Yes, this is a mess.

I'm feel soo horrible right now. He just called me a few minutes ago. He's so hurt and tormented because he loves me but he's so disappointed. The poor thing sounds like he doesn't know what to do. He wants to be with me...but he won't allow it. He asked if we can be friends. . He asked me the same thing last night and I told him that I needed time. He asked again today and I told him yes.

Am I doing the right thing? I mean, I want to reel him back in...FOR KEEPS. I know that this is THE man for me. I want his babies for God's sake .
Should I keep my distance until he wants to reconcile or should I see how this friendship thing works out?

I know I made a big mistake, everyone. I was scared. I thought I was strong before but I felt so weak when I met him. I felt so scared...so scared of losing him.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 03:24 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 98
Blonder HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

I really feel bad for you, yourspecialmiss. I truly believe that if you are meant to be together, he will come around. He needs time to heal from the broken trust. Give yourself a little credit - at least you DID tell him. Some people never do, and pretend they never knew they had it. Some people really DON'T know that they had it. Don't beat yourself up so badly. He needs some time & space, I'm sure. You don't know what the future holds. Keep good thoughts.

KeepsGoin, I totally agree with you. I'd rather stay celibate the rest of my life then to risk giving this to someone without telling them.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 04:15 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 126
yourspecialmiss HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Blonder, yoiur comments give me hope. Thank you for reading my story. Now that i think back, I wish we had never slept together. I wish we just built a sexless, love-filled relationship instead. Things would probably be different if he had the opportunity to know about my condition before hand.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 04:32 PM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 98
Blonder HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

We all have one thing in common - perfect hindsight. You didn't do it to be mean or malicious, as some people do.
Don't know if this will help, but a long time ago a guy told me he was totally in love with me. I thought he was my best friend. I told him that a best friend is just as important as a love interest.
Stay in touch.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 08:19 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 210
happiness is HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It is definitely going to take some time for you to heal.

As for being friends? NO!! You cannot be friends with someone when you want more. A true male/female friendship can only exist when both parties want nothing more than to be friends. Even hidden desires will cause you heartbreak in the end. How will you feel when he says "hey, I met a great girl Saturday night." I imagine it will be like opening an old wound; one that has never healed. I have had male friends but neither of us wanted anything more from eachother. Infact, this was always discussed beforehand. So when my male friends and I would go out, or talk on the phone, it was no different than if we were talking to a friend of the same sex. I would share my ups and downs in the dating world and so would they. And never once was there a pang of envy or desire for anything more. That said . . . one of my male friends is why I am on this group in the first place. We had absolute meaningless sex . . . a casual encounter . . . neither of us wanted it to lead into anything more permanent. That friend never told me he had herpes. Had he told me, I would have never slept with him and my life would be completely different today. However, I do have a bit of a philosophical outlook on it . . . it made me very STD aware, it also stopped me from continuing a relationship that I shouldn't have been in in the first place . . fear of passing this on to him. So who knows, maybe I would have ended up with something worse than herpes, or maybe this other relationship would have ended with a lot of people being hurt.
You need to have some space from him. If he truly loves you, you will end up together. Right now he has been winded . . . two serious blows . . . first, you have informed him you have herpes (news that could cause anyone to pause and need some time to think). Second, you lied to him. Give him a chance to catch his breath. Time will tell if he really was the right one for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yourspecialmiss
Blonder, yoiur comments give me hope. Thank you for reading my story. Now that i think back, I wish we had never slept together. I wish we just built a sexless, love-filled relationship instead. Things would probably be different if he had the opportunity to know about my condition before hand.

Last edited by happiness is; 04-27-2006 at 08:21 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 08:31 PM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 126
yourspecialmiss HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Happiness, thank you. I so needed that persective. I think he and I are absolutely kidding when we say that we would try to be friends. I mean, he's called me to tell me that he loves me 3 times today. I'm so confused and I'm hanging on a tingy bit of hope that he will eventually change his mind about our break-up.

I do agree though. He needs space to heal from what happened so that he can think about me in a clear mind. I know that I haven't healed from the break-up so, being just "friends" would be extremely difficult for me. Even though he claims it won't be hard, I don't think he will be able to maintain a clear cut friendship with me as well. I mean, our feelings haven't changed for eachother. We are still desperately inlove, how can anyone surpress that to form a "friendship"?

 
Old 04-27-2006, 08:46 PM   #9
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 98
Blonder HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Don't worry.....let things evolve.......everything happens for a reason. Keep smiling & keep good thoughts, we are here for you. Nothing bad happens with positive thoughts. I am not religious but I have a few prayers to say tonight.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 08:52 PM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 210
happiness is HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Friendships with feelings . . . a lose-lose situation. Give him time. Put yourself in his shoes . . . you suddenly found out that he has herpes and you also found out he lied to you. I know why you did it . . believe me I do, so I'm not putting you down. I've been there. I always told any sexual partners that I had herpes because if the truth be known, none of them mattered enough to me. If they walked away my attitude would be . . . next!! However, like you, when I met my DH I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't tell him. I didn't want herpes to be a cause of him ending it with me. So like you, I kept silent. Things moved very quickly with us and I knew I had to tell him. I didn't want him to know I lied to him so basically if you follow an old thread, you'll find out what I said and how I got around it. The Cole's note version is I hinted for awhile that something is odd . . must be yeast . . maybe some other woman problems. Then one day I said I was going to the doctor and came home and said OMG . . . it isn't yeast it's herpes!! Deceitful? Yes, but I was terrified that herpes was going to destroy the best relationship I had ever been in. So you and I did the same thing. It's just how we chose to deliver the message that made it different for me. I have no idea how he would have reacted if I had sprung the herpes on him at the beginning. I also have no idea how he would have reacted if I had told him the truth . . . I had lied to him. I've never told him the truth and I never will. Some things are just better left alone. Oh, and his reaction to my news made me fall in love with him even more (if that was possible). He took a few minutes to digest it and said "Although the thought of having herpes scares me, the thought of living without you scares me even more. We have so much in common so if I do catch it, I guess it will just be one more thing we have in common."


Quote:
Originally Posted by yourspecialmiss
Happiness, thank you. I so needed that persective. I think he and I are absolutely kidding when we say that we would try to be friends. I mean, he's called me to tell me that he loves me 3 times today. I'm so confused and I'm hanging on a tingy bit of hope that he will eventually change his mind about our break-up.

I do agree though. He needs space to heal from what happened so that he can think about me in a clear mind. I know that I haven't healed from the break-up so, being just "friends" would be extremely difficult for me. Even though he claims it won't be hard, I don't think he will be able to maintain a clear cut friendship with me as well. I mean, our feelings haven't changed for eachother. We are still desperately inlove, how can anyone surpress that to form a "friendship"?

 
Old 04-27-2006, 09:21 PM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 98
Blonder HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

H.I. ~ thanks for your honesty. Specilmiss ~ keep the faith & take CARE OF YOURSELF. Not a zealot, but I have prayers to you all. Can't hurt. Take care & stay in touch.....

 
Old 04-28-2006, 05:29 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,542
keepsgoin HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Maybe get him to read that "tell you partner" thread and get him to see how infinitesimally difficult a time people are having dealing with this decision. It sounds like he's just mad right now but telling you he wants to be friends is giving him some time to think about it rather than saying "I don't want to see you again". That's just what I think. It's too soon to give up hope but you can't blame him for being angry right now....also, it wouldn't hurt if he went and had a herpes test...if he gets a positive test result, he most likely already has had herpes. Just because he doesn't know he has herpes doesn't mean that he doesn't have it! It's just a thought! because I'm assuming he's a sexually active man that doesn't always use condoms...right? Another thing he needs to do is educate himself on herpes so he can realize what herpes really is and not what he thinks it is...I wish everyone would do this...at least anyone that's sexually active that is. oh well, I just had a few extra thoughts on the subject and thought I'd share.
__________________
I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 04-28-2006, 09:51 AM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 126
yourspecialmiss HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Thank you Keeps,

I am going to give him the link to this board so that he can learn more about the virus.

He has herpes I on his mouth already so he is familiar with the virus. I have outbreaks like every 2 months so it's possible that I have type II. He is trying to get tested but he cannot get intouch with his doctor.

Well he called me again last night to tell me he loves me, again. I cannot help but feel confused and hurt. He knows I love him and that I want to reconcile but yet, he's telling me he loves me while being unwilling to call-off the break up. I'm a woman so i need a guy's perspective is this normal??.

He called me at work a few minutes ago because he wanted to have lunch. We couldn't do it because we work too far apart. I then proceeded to tell him that he's confusing me with his phone calls and his professions of love. Why do it when you KNOW you don't want to reengage with me? He asked me if he should stop calling. I asked him if that's what he wants to do. He responded by saying he wants whatever's easiest for me. Well, I told him it would be easy if we got back together--that's what I want. He said "you know that's not going to happen." So, I told him he should stop calling. Mistake?? I I LOVE this person to death...it's so strange to me ...this Love thing but, it's here in full force and I cannot stop it. I feel like he's unintentionally leading me on and, even though what I did isn't right, leading me on isn't right either.

I need to heal and healing might possibly mean, not seeing him again, ever. I need to sweat him out of my head, out of my heart, out of my life. It kills me to type this much-less think this but this is the way it has to be.

I don't get the impression that he will change his position. This man has the rigidity of a soldier (partly why I'm so crazy about him) and he's not budging;not for love, not for me, not for anything.

Last edited by yourspecialmiss; 04-28-2006 at 09:54 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2006, 08:22 PM   #14
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 98
Blonder HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

Give it up, let it go, see what evolves. So, you made a mistake, who hasn't? You are worth all of the love that you deserve.....if he can't give it to you then he is NOT worth it. Your story has truly touched me. I wish you all the best AND YOU DESERVE IT, GIRL!!! I kind of think this guy is starting to play games w/you, just my personal opinion. He may not be all that you think he is. Be careful, take care & keep posting.

 
Old 04-29-2006, 09:40 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 53
saragirl HB User
Re: Oh GOD I'm so sorry...Need some consolation

It is so amazing to me that this is the first topic I see when I log on tonight. First off I want to say that I am so sorry for your hurt feelings and that you have to know that you did the best you could with what you knew how to do in the moment. We all do better when we know better. Secondly I am dealing with a similar situation but he isn't the love of my life. I met a guy in my town from across the country and it was clear to both of us that this was not going to be serious. I let myself rationalize my responsiblity to tell him away because I just don't have the words to or the will to say it. We were safe but I am so disappointed in myself in 100 different ways. I have come to terms with the fact that I have this annoying virus that interrupts my life and cost a fortune to treat, but the telling someone and ever feeling that I will be loved again is so much harder. The only good thing I can see coming out of this situation for me is that I think I will finally deal with my own issues in why I take less than I deserve in relationships and will maybe get some help in making better decisions. I am so scared that the only way to not pass this on is to never have sex again. I could go on and on about this but I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you and that your story has helped me. Thank you to everyone for their suppot.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Bipolar and Seventeen, in need of advice Paige1989 Bipolar Disorder 383 06-19-2007 08:30 PM
Miscarriage #2 Tresh Miscarriage & Still Birth 5 02-13-2007 05:51 AM
Need emotional support? You can vent here.... Jen0707 Infertility 14 08-24-2006 05:50 PM
Thanks Eve, starting new thread, bad night, need my wool steeled... Hiya Relationship Health 138 05-11-2006 09:28 AM
Sorry to post about myself again but i did something stupid tonight... James2005 Depression 16 05-22-2005 08:36 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



angeleyz81 (117), White Sneakers (17), Truthseek (12), BLUEBYU (7), Prettyinpink86 (7), Alyssa946 (7), backpacker (6), CadenceA (6), babyjane30 (6), layla87 (6)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1006), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:06 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!