happiness is

I had a complete meltdown over my herpes status the other day. It started with a sore on my knuckle. I assumed it was an insect bite. On Monday I had a sports lesson and my teacher had a major, major cold sore. I was kind of freaked out about it but tried to keep calm considering it obviously cannot be passed on through air. However, he took my hand at some point during the lesson to correct the positioning of my hands. I was panicked but did not know what to say. On Thursday I went to my daughter's house and played with my newborn grandchild. Thursday night I looked at my insect bite and noticed two very tiny (pin head size) whiteheads or blisters. I had a complete meltdown panicking over the thought the my bite may be herpes and I played with my grandchild. I wanted to call my daughter immediately but my DH said that I have no way of knowing if what is on my knuckle is herpes and if by rare chance it was, what would be the odds of passing it on to the baby. He strongly felt that since nothing could be done, I would be causing my daughter tremendous concern over nothing. I was hysterical (to put it midly) and we stayed up half the night discussing this. I decided to keep calm and not say anything. On Saturday I saw her again and I noticed a rash on the babies neck and chest. I asked my daughter what it was and she said she doesn't know and was perhaps a heat rash. Today she said it has spread to her face a bit. I looked at it and it doesn't really look like anything more than a heat rash but with herpes, the symptoms are so varied that there is no real of way of knowing. I don't want to scare my daughter needlessly so I'm keeping this to myself (my husband refuses to allow me to say anything prematurely because I would be worrying her for nothing). If I have passed this on to my grandchild, I could never live with myself.

For the first time in the over 20 years that I've had this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. DH keeps saying it's no big deal but I explained that I feel like a leper . . . I have the ability to destroy someones life simply by touching them. I am contagious and carry a lifelong affliction and that I cannot stand living like this . . . constantly worrying if something as simple as a insect bite could be herpes. Constantly worrying that making love to him could destroy him. He keeps trying to put this into perspective . . . we all have problems that affect our spouses and that it doesn't bother him at all. But his health issues are not contagious and he doesn't constantly have to worry about passing them on to me simply by touching me or having sex. I said that he doesn't have to worry that a grandchilds rash may infact be something more . . something that will destroy her life. I know the odds of it being herpes are slim but it is the fact that I even have to worry about this that is driving me insane. My daughter thinks I'm insane . . calling constantly to ask about her "rash" and keeps saying "MOM, IT'S A RASH!!! If I was worried about it I'd take her to the doctor!!" I wish I could tell her why I'm so concerned about but I agree with my DH and that I shouldn't say anything at this point. I hate living like this.