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maryland87 · 01-29-2007, 06:42 AM

Hi everyone. I got diagnosed with herpes in October of 2006. The guy I got it from I no longer sleep with or talk too. I recently started talking to someone new and I don't know when the best time is to tell him that I have genital herpes. Do any of you guys know? I mean I don't wanna scare him off.

So when is the right time to tell him?

maryland87 · 01-29-2007, 10:06 AM

Can anyone comment on my comment? I just wanna know when is the best time to tell my new friend/bf?

orangejello · 01-29-2007, 02:22 PM

I would want to be told before we got to the point we were going to get intimate, Most guys I think would like to know what there getting into(no pun intended). I got it from my current GF and she did'nt know she had it, we are currently ingauged. I know if she had known she had it and told me I would have had to have some time to think about going into the relationship.

Audrey-B · 01-29-2007, 11:34 PM

I'd not tell somebody on a first couple of dates as you are just getting to know one another.

Definitely tell him before getting into anything remotely sexual. Don't tell just prior to having sex as a lot of guys say "no problem, lets have sex anyway", but once sex is over and the truth hits home they have issues dealing with the facts. So don't tell him when things are about to get hot and heavy, tell him when sex is the last thing on his mind so he can think clearly.

It's never easy telling someone as you feel that they are judging you and will likely reject you. Do read up and get all the facts so that you can confidently answer all his questions as he will likely have lots of questions and if you sound confident he will likely relax a bit. Some doctors surgeries and other health clinics will have brochures and other literature which you can give him or find info off the net and print it up.

I would personally tell someone sooner than later as some people can feel that if you tell them months and months down the track that you held back vital information. It is better to be honest and tell and to have them walk away rather than telling after some form of sexual contact and have them thinking you lied to them and put their health at risk.

At the end of the day it all comes down to what this guy is after. If he is only after sex and something casual then i'd say he'll walk away. If he is after a serious relationship he will weight up the pro's and con's of the situation before giving an immediate and definite 'no'.

maryland87 · 01-31-2007, 06:13 AM

Thanks for your help! I know I should tell them before sex but its the hardest thing to do. I mean he's already asked about STD's and I dont know what to say. I wanna tell him so bad but then we have only been on 2 dates. So i dont know what to do. I don't wanna lie but I also don't wanna take the chance at being hurt. I got herpes from someone who didn't tell me they had it and how does that make me feel? I don't wanna do the same thing to someone else. So I don't know. Im just scared!

Audrey-B · 01-31-2007, 10:32 PM

Yes it would be scary, but being honest is best, at least he will respect you for that. I asked my current partner on two seperate occasions about STD's or anything else i should know about and he said he had nothing and that he was totally safe. At the time herpes was the last thing on my mind and i knew nothing about genital herpes, all i was worried about was HIV. I must have led a very sheltered life as the first time i'd heard of genital herpes was when the reality tv show Big Brother started and soon after the genital herpes adverts came onto tv. Before that the only thing i knew of herpes was the cold sores you get on your mouth area.

Two years into the relationship when he finally got another o/b he was forced to tell me that he now remembers he has herpes. I was upset and did think "what else is he hiding", but it's hard to simply leave somebody after two years and all esle was fine with our relationship. I figured i'd rather stay with him and catch herpes as he has most of the qualities i would want in a partner.

Your situation is different as you have only been on two dates. If this guy truly loves and respects you he wont push you for sex straight away, this should give you a bit of time to work up the courage to tell him.

A lot of relationships where there are no herpes issues end up breaking up after a short time, so if the non herpes carrier isn't certain about the future of the relationship they may bail out due to not wanting to catch herpes if they are uncertain of the relationship lasting. So at the end of the day if he decides to move on it wont necessarily be b/c of the herpes, but that he wasn't sure of the relationship itself. In all honesty, if you were in his shoes and not 100% certain how you felt about the other person, would you run the risk of catching herpes? Most of us would say no, but as you can see on the Happy Couples thread, a lot of couples have stayed together b/c they felt right for each other and the herpes was not an issue.

Best of luck and i hope you post some good news about your situation soon

naiveinla · 02-01-2007, 04:39 PM

First of all I am sorry you have Herpes. If I were you I would always be upfront and honest and tell the other person that you have it..I recently had sex with a guy who knew he had genital warts and he didn't tell me until after the fact and I am furious. Honesty is always the best policy and will help in not spreading further disease..Good luck!!

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