Ok, let me start off by saying I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac and the slightest symptom of something and I'm convinced I have a disease. I also missed my period one time and was convinced I was pregnant, but I wasn't at all.
With that said, I have what looks like pimples/papules/ keratosis pilarsis (spelling?) spread out on my butt. I've had them for at least a week now and first they looked like they were disappearing but now they look exactly the same. They don't itch and don't hurt. My last possible exposure was 7/11/07.
I'm convinced that I have Herpes. I plan on getting a test next week, but I'm afraid that it will be a false negative. I have a fiance (we broke up briefly a few months ago) that I love more than anything and I'm afraid to infect him. I'm so afraid that I'll have Herpes and I'll never be able to be with him ever again. In my mind, if I have Herpes, I'll have to break up with him and not be able to go on with life.
How can I deal with this? I'm convinced I have it because of these bumps... I wish I didn't think like this, I really do, but I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing over it. It's all I think about and I'm soo stressed out about it.
How can I deal?
Can I ever have a normal sex life with him?
Has anyone else gone through this? Please guys, I'm looking for support, not for people to be mean, because I've had that lots of times on this website and I'm hoping that by saying this I'm preventing it from happening during this difficult time.
We aren't trying to be mean. We're just trying to make you realize that we can't diagnose you and that you needed to get to a doctor.
So let's assume you have herpes. You ask if anyone else has ever gone through the obsessive stage, the stage where you think you can't go on, can't have sex again, afraid you'll infect your partner. Honey, every single person on this site has experienced that.
Firstly, why do you feel like you need to break up with your fiance?? I seem to remember you saying previously that he knows what's going on. He knows your fears about it being herpes. If he's accepted the possibility, he is accepting of you in any way shape or form. It doesn't sound like he's about to reject you. Even if he doesn't know - this is the man who loves you. Try to remember that, and have faith that his love for you extends beyond your genitals!!
Of course you can have a normal sex life. I'll admit that there are posts on this site from people who suffer abnormally from genital outbreaks. And that can be intimitating to read. But you need to realize that generally, outbreaks at first are only about 3-4 times per year, and decrease as time goes on. Viral shedding does exist and does pose a risk. However, it's a comparatively low risk when you look at transmission during an outbreak. It can happen tho (that's how I got herpes) - that's why you should practice safe sex.
Have you read the herpes handbook yet?? Matter of Time also recommended an article yesterday. Search for "Lafferty Journal of Medicine Herpes" and you'll find a great article. This article combined with the handbook explain really well the risks of transmission of the different types of hereps. Once you understand the technicalities better, it will help you see that sex is still possible with herpes. (Thank god!!)
Keep in mind - we are here to help you. If you need support, that's what we do best.
It's very hard for me right now because I suffer from Depression, severe depression. I cry everyday and have passive suicidal thoughts all day. I'm crying right now actually because I can't sleep either. I broke up with my fiance about 4/5 months ago and went "nuts" kissing lots of guys and fooling around with 3, having sex with one of those. Even though we were broken up, I feel as if I sinned against my fiance and I have so much guilt. Every day I wish my life would end, and this has been going on for about 2 months at least. My fiance doesn't make me feel guilty, he's the kindest man alive and would never hurt me. But just looking at him makes me feel guilty because he's so pure and clean. I feel like I should break up with him because if he got Herpes from me I could never forgive myself... Plus I don't know how badly I would deal with it and I don't want to put him through any more.
I have stopped going to the gym because I don't have any energy at all and cry when I'm there, which is embarrassing... I have no relationship with my parents at all, which is a whole new post! If I were to have Herpes it would just be one... more.... thing on top of everything going on in my life. That's the reason I'm freaking out so much about this, I have so much more going on. Not having insurance is making this ordeal even more difficult because I used to go to therapy.
I haven't posted on the depression board because about a year ago I posted about my parents taking money from an account they had for my college and then when I confronted them about it they thought I was accusing them of stealing so they kicked me out, literally, on the street. I basically came home and wasn't allowed in the house. They had changed the locks and everything. They didn't talk to me for a year. Anyway, the people who replied were very mean to me and told me I should be ashamed of myself for confronting my parents about the money. I'm so afraid of a repeat of that.
Once I got kicked out, the acne I had been suffering from for 5 years completely disappeared and I was living with my fiance and his parents. I became depressed and never liked to go out. It was very difficult to go to the gym.
Now, unfortunately, I'm living with my parents again. they get very upset when I come home from work and don't spend time with them. They end up not talking to me. They are very negative people and hate each other and say terrible things to one another, right in front of me. I've heard my dad say to my mom, "why don't you f---ing die already, soon after she had her breast removed due to cancer. If something bad happens they automatically say, "oh we have bad luck" and act as if it's the end of the world and start screaming, literally.
I'm just having a terrible time with everything right now and there are so many things in my way, the depression most of all, it just sucks out everything. I don't want to give my fiance Herpes. I feel dirty and constantly think about what I did with other guys while we were broken up. I feel so guilty and so ashamed of what I did. When I think about it, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I cry randomly during the day and feel so worthless and hopeless. I keep thinking I'm going to be punished for leaving my fiance and doing stuff with other guys. My one friend had sex with 15 guys in one year and came away with nothing. But I know I'll have something, it's just my luck.
I'm sorry for this rant. I've been putting it all on my fiance and have felt so guilty, but there's no one else for me to confide in...
I really wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I didn't realize that you were having so many emotional problems that are due to other things besides just the herpes. Most of us go through bouts of depression, but you sound like you're deep in a rut and can't see the light. I think you need to really stop dwelling on your past mistakes and stop feeling guilty and sorry for yourself. I think probably a lot of why you get so down on yourself is due to how your parents have treated you and each other. It sounds like they have a VERY unhealthy way of interacting with other people and this unfortunately has rubbed off onto you. Like most therapists would likely say it all stems from childhood. I don't know how old you are, but you are hopefully an adult since you are engaged. I think the best thing for you to do is stop living in the past and try to start making changes in your life to better your future. Becoming a healthier person with better self-esteem might definitely mean moving out of your parents' house where it sounds as though they only add to making you feel bad about yourself. You are in a very fragile state right now and I hope you can find some professional counciling. Stop making excuses about not having health insurance and get yourself tested for herpes so you can know once and for all your status. We've all been there, in that state of limbo, not knowing. I didn't know for SIX months...that drove me crazy! But the symptoms were a bit consistent in some ways with herpes and all the other STDs came back negative. Anyway, you need to confirm what it isn't sometimes in order to narrow it down to what it could be. Always think what is most likely and go from there.
You sound very lucky to have such a wonderful fiance and his family sounds very supportive too since they let you move in. Just read over some of the old posts on this board and it should help you to feel better that you are not alone in your feelings of guilt, depression, regret, saddness, etc about herpes. Life is full of obstacles to overcome and it's how we deal with them that proves whether we are as strong as we think we are or not. After two years with this virus sometimes when I have a huge OB I cry to let it out and I have a hard time being social. Partly it's because I have very frequent OBs that continuously remind me of my health problem. If yours do not hurt or itch, as you say, then be glad about that and feel fortunate. You need to start looking at the brighter side of things instead of dwelling on all the negative things. Be glad your boyfriend loves you so much and is willing to stay with you regardless of your herpes status. Many people on here have written how they told someone they had herpes and it ruined their relationship. Things could always be worse and sometimes by always dwelling on the bad things it only invites more bad things into our life. You need to focus on what you want out of life and look at the bigger picture, of how you are going to accomplish it and bring happiness into your life. If there are negative, mean people in your life, then you need to push them away and focus on yourself and your own needs and desires. Sometimes, when you are strong and tell others that they either need to support you and have a positive impact on your life or none at all, sometimes they come around and change their negative habits, but if they can't then you need to step away from them for good and find people who do. For example, I don't hang around people who do drugs, smoke and a criminal background because that is a negative influence that I do not want to have rub off onto me. I hope my pseudo therapy advice is helpful for you and strikes a cord. BTW, I think it was totally right of you to confront your parents if they were using your college savings for themselves. Unless of course they were in dire need of the cash because they were financially strapped. It sounds like you are going to have to be self-reliant and not depend on your parents for any kind of financial or emotional support. Have you read all the responses on here to you??? Like the one I mentioned about some Planned Parenthood's having a sliding scale for costs depending on how much money you earn? Or look up online your local health department phone number and ask them for the nearest STD clinic which will either be cheap or free. I wish you the very best.