Blame - Herpes Message Board

Keiths123456 · 10-21-2007, 12:08 PM

My girfriend of 18 months has just been diagnosed with genital herpes.
She blames me and despite the fact that I have only had one other sexual partner in 22 years(my ex wife) is convinced I am to blame. She has told me she no longer wants anything to do with me. I have never had any symptoms and if I had would have done something about it!
We were planning to get married. I am totally distraught, and am off to see my Doctor tomorrow as she only told me today despite being told herself 3 days ago, and I took her to the Doctor! Help! Am I to blame here?

catharine101 · 10-21-2007, 12:53 PM

Truth is, you will likely never know who is to "blame". The best thing that you can both do is not focus on who gave it to whom, and focus on dealing with it. She is likely in shock, and those first few days/weeks are really tough.

Fact is - either of you could have given it to the other. Herpes can be present in your system, and you can never show a symptom and never know it's there. Then all of a sudden, after years and years, either yourself or your partner has an outbreak, and the accusations start to fly. You may have herpes - you may have had it for your entire 22 year marriage.

When you go to the doctor, ask for a HerpesSelect test. As you don't show symptoms, this will be a blood test. If you test positive, then you have had the virus for at least 3 - 4 months, as it takes that long to build up enough antibodies in your blood to register as positive. The herpesSelect test is very accurate outside that 3 - 4 months. If you are negative, you either don't have the virus at all, or don't have a prior infection and you've just got it recently.

You need to find out what kind of test your girlfriend had. Was it a culture test of some sores she had?? Or did she have a blood test?? If it was blood, then she's had the virus for over 3 - 4 months. There is no way to tell how long, and you aren't necessarily the person who gave it to her. In fact, if you both test positive via blood - she may have given it to you. At this point, there is no way to place "blame". She literally could have had it for years, and has only had her first outbreak now due to some external trigger. If she tested positive from a culture test, have her take a blood test as well. If the blood is negative, and the culture is positive, then you know that she's acquired the virus in the last 3 - 4 months. If you come up positive by blood, and you have no reason to believe there was any unfaithfulness, then yes - you would have given it to her.

I hope for both your sakes that she can overcome the initial "blame" stage quickly, and turn to you for the support you obviously want to give her. In reality, it's really not about blame. As I said before, the majority of people don't even know they have herpes - so it's hard to blame them for spreading it. Are we talking genital herpes here?? Here's a stat - 90% of people with genital herpes don't even know they have it.

If you can get her to listen, I'd recommend that both of you download the "Herpes Handbook" written by Terri Warren. It lays out the facts in plain English. Once she knows the facts, it may help her realize that this isn't anyone's fault. It sucks that it happens, and it's easier to lay blame than to accept it. But it doesn't solve anything.

Good luck

dontknowhat2do · 10-22-2007, 07:29 PM

But what if a culture came back negative and her blood positive?...Are herpes test included in STD testing? Just asking because how would you ever know to ask for the test if you never have symptoms.

Since the herpes is a skin to skin contact virus is it possible that she or he aquired the virus through a friendly kiss, or a hand shake of someone who didnt wash their hands? There are so many questions to this little trinkett that people seem to aquired everyday...Its so hard to stop the cycle. Even when you havent cheated this little gift will put the most negative thoughts in your significant others head. I hope she gets pass this for your sake.

I face the same dilemma with my partner whom I love dearly...I was diagnosed 4 days ago and he isnt home yet to hear the news. I wasnt sure if I should call and tell him or wait until he get home. The wait is killing me. That fear of rejection and distrust constantly goes through my head contantly..The last thing I want is to lose my relationship. I hope there is some consolation in that you are not the only one.

Good Luck!

catharine101 · 10-22-2007, 08:05 PM

If a culture was negative and the bloodwork was positive, it would likely be because a culture or swab test was done too late. It must be done within the first few days of a sore or lesion erupting - when the virus is still active in the sore. Once it starts to heal it's too late.

False negative results are very common. False positive results are not.

STD screening does not include herpes, despite the fact that it's a sexually transmitted disease. But most people don't know this, so they don't know to ask for herpes tests. Thus, most people don't even know they have the virus, and that's why it's an epidemic.

It can be transmitted by kissing someone with oral herpes. Highly unlikely that it would be transmitted via handshake. Generally, you need to have direct contact with the infected area, because the virus only lives about 10 seconds outside that area.