dani1234

This has been the the worst week of my life. I have been so stressed out about family issues, work issues, and waiting for my test results. Well I got them and here they are......

HPV with cervical cancer cells (moderate-severe)
Herpes 1 & 2
Maybe genital warts....I have to go have more tests done...

I have a one year old daughter that I feel like I haven't been being the best mother to this past week. I feel awful about it too because tommorow is her first birthday and I can't seem to stop crying long enough to play with her. I have been crying so much that I have missed work and play with my daughter because all I keep doing is puking at the thought of how dirty I feel. I do understand that I did this to myself by not protecting my own body and that none of this is ever going to go away and that I need to move on with my life but I am having a hard time grasping onto that fact. I do not want any of my friends to know because I can't trust them enough not to tell anybody, so i guess it's time i get new friends too. The only person I told is my fiance but it is so hard to talk to him about it because everytime I look at him I hurt even more at the fact that I probably infected him with these horrible viruses. It hurts to know that I can't have unprotected sex with the man I plan on being with the rest of my life. Using a condom with him feels like he's just a boyfriend that I know won't last long. Sorry I keep rambling on about this but I don't know how to handle this. I was hoping some one could tell me how they grasped the fact that they have herpies that will never go away. Please just dont tell me it will be alright cuz I am so sick of hearing that. That is all my fiance says. It is easy for him to say that to me cuz he didn't just get that awful news told to himself.....
What are some other ways I can think about my condition??? soem positive things....if there are any.
One of the most important things to me in this world weas to have a lot of children. I wanted to have about 6 more after my daughter. I planned on trying to conceive in march but now how am I supposed to get pregnant if i can't have unprotected sex with my fiance? and what are the risks of passing any or all of these viruses to my newborns?

Thank you who ever reads and responds to this for reading this. I really appreciate it!

=(