Genital HSV1 - Herpes Message Board

lamyg · 04-01-2003, 11:40 AM

I've just been diagnosed with HSV 1 within the past month. Aside from kissing I've only had sexual contact with one person so this came as a very big surprise to me. I know there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. I've never had a cold sore in my life and now I realize how much I wished my family members would've kissed me when I was little and they had cold sores instead of looking out for my health. I don't know what to do...I'm still with my boyfriend, but things are really shaky and I don't know that he's someone I'll spend the rest of my life with. I'm 20 years old and I feel like my shot at total happiness is gone. This seems so unfair. I have close friends who have slept with upwards of 10 people, often unprotected, and none of them ever contracted an STD. I waited until I was in love and trusted the person completely. We both knew that other person was clean, yet this still happened...I could have never seen it coming. He only has it orally and since I got it from him the chances that he'll contract it genitally are slim. I almost resent him for this because I know that if/when we break up things will be so much easier for him, even though I wouldn't wish this thing upon my worst enemy. I can't even imagine dating anyone else...I feel like damaged goods. I feel like there's nothing I can say to anyone to convince them that I didn't get this from being irresponsible. I know that I thought badly about people who had herpes before I contracted it and I don't think the general public is any different from how I was. I feel hopeless and confused...I didn't think this could happen to me because I've been so careful. I know that I'm completely rambling, but it feels good to get this out.

Now for the part of my post that someone might actually be able to help me with: what triggers an outbreak? I have HSV1 so I know that I'm not likely to get them very often, but I want to do everything possible to avoid ever getting another one. Any responses would be appreciated. Thank you!

TheOneInFour · 04-01-2003, 02:13 PM

(((lamyg)))

Don't beat yourself up! And don't beat him up either.

It's natural and common to feel scared, confused and upset when you first finds out. You really need to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and try to suspend any blame or judgement about how you got it, if you can. It just makes it feel worse.

I'm assuming you have genital HSV-1. That's almost always caught by receiving oral sex from someone who has oral HSV-1 (cold sores). A vast majority of the population has oral HSV-1 and many don't get much in the way of outbreaks, yet it's possible to transmit it even without an outbreak.

Most people know that cold sores are contagious and many know it's caused by a herpes virus, but most don't realise you can transfer it to someone's genitals, thus giving them genital herpes. And then it unfortunately takes on a whole new context and stigma, even though it's EXACTLY the same virus. This is being discussed in another thread lately, so check out other discussions in this board for more food for thought and insight.

Herpes will stay in the same area as where you contract it. So even if your family had given you oral herpes as a child (which is when and how most people get it), it would not necessarily have protected you from getting it genitally. It does offer some protection but it can still happen.

Because people usually define "clean" (I really hate that term LOL) as not having genital STDs, most people don't think to include oral cold sores as a potential source for genital STDs. So yes, your bf was most likely "clean" by the usual definition, but the definition was incomplete.

I suspect he's as surprised, bewildered and devastated as you are about this. It's understandable that it's going to knock both of you for a loop and make things a bit rocky for a while. I want to advise you not to just throw this relationship away because you don't see lifelong potential in it now. You both need support right now -- yes, even him too because he knows now that he has a disease that he can pass on to any sexual partner and he needs to learn to understand how to minimise the risk and cope with it too.

Why don't the two of you go on a hunt together for more information about it? Read a book together called "The Truth About Herpes" by Dr. Stephen Sacks, which is an excellent resource. Check out the websites in this board's Resource Links; I especially like herpes.org because it covers a lot of topics connected to herpes and has good solid information.

I also want to recommend you not hang on to this relationship just because you're afraid you'll never get another chance at love. If it gets to a point where it's just not working for you, do what you need to do for yourself (being kind, compassionate and caring with him, as much as possible). Many of us with herpes tend to stay in relationships longer than we might otherwise have because it's hard to face the dating scene as a person with herpes. There are people who will understand and not run away, but some will; it means you must learn to choose your partners a bit more carefully based on their ability to accept reality and all of who you are.

In the meantime, try to be a support for each other. You never know -- this might wind up bringing the two of you closer due to a shared problem, in a way that wouldn't have happened before. It's happened; read through some other posts and you'll read some interesting and sometimes surprising stories.

I'd also recommend you (perhaps both of you) check out herpes support groups in your area. I believe there is one where you are. There are also yahoo groups for people with herpes, many of them based on people in a the same country, region or city. Check it out.

Good luck and keep us posted how you're doing.

TheOneInFour

[This message has been edited by TheOneInFour (edited 04-01-2003).]

TickledPeenk · 04-01-2003, 10:55 PM

I can relate with how you feel. I got HSV the same way. I know who it was from, because he had a visable cold sore and I had a break in the opening of my vagina from rigorous sex.
My BF wasnt the first person I was with, though, but I was the first person he's ever had an sexual contact with. I actually have a big number, and I'm not proud of that. I really wish I would have waited a lot longer. I wasn't always as careful as I could've been, either, but luckily emerged unscathed.
I think it's kinda funny that when I'm finally in a monogamous relationship, I end up catching something. Luckily for me, it has only made our relationship stronger.
Sure, HSV sucks, and I won't be able to live my life like I did before it. But it most definitely isn't the end of the world. And my life is far from over.
No matter what happens now, just remember that you're still the same person you were, and that you deserve love just as much.

20/20Hindsight · 04-02-2003, 09:34 AM

Tickled: That last line was such great advice! We all deserve to be loved just as much as before dx!

And, think about it, we were the UNLUCKY ones, not the EXCEPTIONS to the rule. As far as statistics go, I guess "clean" people (LOL) are getting rarer and rarer.

Looking at the big picture, we weren't doing anything different than most people out there (by that I mean having unprotected sex). Otherwise, the people we were with wouldn't have had it in the first place, right!!?! We are just the ones that have been dx. At least we're not in denial, right?

Things get better for me everyday. I've only had one OB, my initial one. And I'm hopeful not to experience anymore like THAT ever, ever again. However, life goes on, and I, so too, must go on, to live and dream and hope and watch my children grow!

Today is a good day!

Let's all enjoy it!