when to tell - Herpes Message Board

MrRoper · 08-11-2003, 03:23 PM

Have HSV1 below the belt for 3 years. Seeing this girl now I like, have met her friends, going to meet her parents, etc. She does really like me. I got to tell her at some point, although this may be kind of early yet. Sex could still be a long way off. But I don't want to drag her in emotionally too far to the point where it risks really hurting her and its harder for her to let go if she wants to. I have a guilty conscious and sometimes worry too much. Phsysically this is nothing, but emotionally its really bad. Any advice here would be appreciated.

Jim
Kamloops, BC

Lobo2k3 · 08-11-2003, 03:43 PM

the sooner the better for both of your hearts.

TheOneInFour · 08-11-2003, 09:55 PM

Hi Jim,

Everyone has their own timing that works best for them. This is something that's being discussed in another thread right now, and is all over our archives.

I think we all have to find the right balance between our own needs (minimising the possibility of rejection) and those of our partner (wanting to minimise their hurt if things don't work out). You sound like you genuinely care about how she might be affected by the news and want to take that into account when deciding when to have "The Talk." I think that shows you have a good heart.

Just remember to take yourself into account too.

You don't say how long you've been seeing this woman. If it's long enough that some serious feelings are starting to develop, you might want to bring up the subject sooner rather than later. Like Lobo said, both of you deserve to be protected from being hurt more than might be necessary (and hopefully not at all *g*).

I personally think telling someone is about revealing who we are and what our lives are about, at least as much as it is about being ready to have sex. If your level of non-sexual intimacy and closeness have progressed to the point of meeting family and friends, and seeing yourselves as a committed couple in the foreseeable future, then maybe it's time to talk about it, regardless of when you feel you want to progress to sexual intimacy.

On the other hand, if it's only been a few weeks or so since you started seeing each other, I wonder if maybe things are moving a bit too fast for you and you need to slow down and pace things a bit more. Meeting the family and friends are milestones in a relationship that usually happen once you have some time with and knowledge of each other. If that hasn't happened yet, then it sounds like you're just not ready to tell her or progress to that level of closeness just yet.

I don't think you need to feel responsible for her (possible) feelings to the point that you neglect your own needs or push things faster than is good for the healthy development of your relationship. I just think it's about striking a workable balance.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Keep us posted how you're doing with this.

TheOneInFour

MrRoper · 08-12-2003, 04:06 AM

Thanks for the replies...

Its been 3 weeks since we met, the first week was "wow, I can't believe I met this great girl". She is pretty much everything I was looking for. But the past week or so I've been having doubts. In the meantime, the first week I wasn't worrying about telling. But the past week or so I have been worrying constantly. I am always repeating in my mind how I will tell. Usually if I am dating someone and I am not interested, the thought of telling doesn't even occur to me because I know it won't get to the point of being sexual. But this time is different. I wonder if its because that telling is foremost in my mind at the moment that I feel I have doubts.

Anywho, as confused as I am, I am sure I will figure it out haha

Thanks again

TheOneInFour · 08-12-2003, 09:34 AM

I *really* understand the confusion about not knowing how to gauge your emotions. Been there, probably will be again. I still wonder if you might be moving a bit fast for your comfort level though, given that it's only been 3 weeks.

If I could offer some further thoughts... In my own experience, that kind of anxiety and doubt might be about myself OR about the other person. If I'm feeling a bit rushed into things (like disclosing the H), it might be because I fear losing them OR it might be because I feel they're pushing things too fast, or they're trying to pull me in a direction I'm not comfortable with, or *I'm* trying to push things too fast (afraid it's a flash in the pan and I want to grab what I can before it's gone).

I wonder about you meeting her family so soon, which is usually something people do once a relationship is more clearly established. It's a big step, since it's a bit of a declaration that you two are now "a couple" and now risk somebody's mother pestering with questions of when you're going to get married. LOL

You might give some thought about whether you two have your feet on the ground about the relationship in general, or if you're trying to ride a wave of elation. If this is "meant to be" it will "be" if you slow it down too, and in fact might increase your chances of it working in the long run if you do. It's just something to consider.

MovingForward made a really good point in Sophia's thread the other day about how it helps to have a plan about these things; a sense of timing that works for you and a strategy of how to approach it. You might think about giving yourself a specific amount of time (e.g., 4-6 weeks) or number of dates (e.g., 5-10) before you will tell her. That can help to pace what happens a bit. If you feel things are moving a bit fast before that time, you could talk to her about needing to take things a bit slower. You don't have to say why specifically, just that you want this to work and you don't want to hit burnout.

I don't think you should feel compelled to rush into anything about this. Believe me, I completely understand the anxiety of "If I tell, will the person reject me? Maybe I should do it now and get it over with." I have found for myself that if I can slow things down (in myself as much as with the other person) and allow a natural development to happen of getting to know each other, it really helps all round. It not only increases my chances of the person not running away when I tell them, it also helps to slow down my own reactions so that I'm more balanced and grounded when I do tell them. I'm also in a better position emotionally to deal with a rejection if that happens. OTOH if you find you just can't concentrate on enjoying her company because you're so worried about telling her, then you need to take your limitations about postponing into account too.

Anyway, all these are just suggestions and ideas and sharing what has helped me make that decision...all in far more words than are necessary (I'm not fully awake yet LOL). Good luck with this! Keep us posted how you make out with it and however you decide to handle it. And good luck with your lady!

I really hope it works out for you.

TheOneInFour