I need suggestions. - Herpes Message Board

WHY · 09-28-2003, 10:22 PM

Hello to everyone,
I am new to this board, I was diagonesed w/HSV approx two years ago. I have not told anyone due to negative responses I have heard from people. I am currently engaged with a wonderful man and have known him for many years, the problem is that he lost his virginity to me and I have had past partners. I do not want to put him at risk altough I know just his being with me puts him at risk and I have stressed us using condoms but I imagine once we are married he is probably not going to want to use them. He is aware the I have oral herpes and I have slowly been working my way up to telling him, I have even thrown the occasionaly what if question and he has continuously told me no matter what he loves me and even if I was dying of some uncurable contagious disease he will be there to take care of me. So how do I tell him, what should I say? its easy to answer a what if question compared to reality. Help please anyone with similar issues etc. Thanks.

TickledPeenk · 09-29-2003, 01:29 AM

YOU SHOULD TELL HIM AND ASAP!!!
I'm going to try to be as objective as I can, but you must realize that a lot of people here (not me but others) have gotten HSV from someone they trusted who didn't tell them even though they knew they had it
I don't understand how you can think you love this person if you are knowingly putting them at risk every time you have sex without even telling them about it
What you're doing is selfish. Regardless of what his reaction is, it is not fair of you to play God so to speak and decide to put him at risk when he has no say in the matter

As for condoms, condoms are not very effective in protecting against herpes, as they do not cover all of the areas that come in contact during intercourse

The risk of him contracting it from you is very real especially if condoms is the only precaution you are taking (aside from refraining from contact during OBs, I would imagine you do that)

You REALLY need to tell him, he deserves to know and he deserves to know the facts and weigh the risk

In my opinion, if he does leave you, it will probably be because you lied to him than because of the virus, based on what he's said to you

Lying/witholding the truth, especially on such a big thing as this is NEVER EVER good for a relationship, PERIOD.

You were wrong to engage in sex with him without telling him first.

Do him a favor and before you have sex again, tell him the truth. Not in the throes of passion but some time else.

There are many articles you can find online about HSV. You can either print them out for him or tell him how to find them so he can learn as much as he can.

Good luck

notsobad · 09-29-2003, 08:16 AM

Hi Why..welcome to the board!

I am deleting this one..wasn't really good advice.

[This message has been edited by notsobad (edited 09-29-2003).]

notsobad · 09-29-2003, 08:38 AM

Ok Why...I responded with my emotions the first time. Now I have given it a little thought...so let me try again. You really should go ahead and tell your fiance. Better you know now than later...this is what I have to keep telling myself. You could probably be deceitful and make the whole thing work in your favor...but since you are on this board asking what you should do..its obvious you are not that type of person. Good for you!

Yes it has gone too far..yes I know you got caught up...and now you don't know how to fix it. In all honesty...you should sit down with your fiance and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him why you waited this long Explain to him how much you love him and you didn't mean to deceive him. Explain to him what herpes it..how you got it and what you are willing to do to protect him...be sincere and also be patient as he may need some time. Marriage should be based on trust and honesty and it shouldn't start after the I do's...GOOD LUCK!

WHY · 09-29-2003, 01:18 PM

Thank you all for your feed back. I told him today although it was hard for me, he responded the way I hoped he would have and all is well. He does have questions about it so we will be doing some research togethor about it, it seems as though this will bring us even closer togethor then we already are, thanks again.