I had my first OB within a month on meeting my bf. I was so scared to tell him about because I thought he would not want to be with me. I was pleasantly surpirsed when after sobbing my way through telling him he held me, told me that he loved me and said that it changed nothing. Not only did he do that but he said that we would deal with this together and that if he got it it was okay because we were going to be together forever and he would eventually get it anyway. We have not used protection and I have been on supressive meds to control the OB's. H has changed nothing in my relationship, our sex life is great and it's not something I think about. We don't let this rule our lives and it doesn't have to rule yours. It's just something you deal with and are aware of but it's not the end of the world. It's funny how you find out about so many others that have it, that you never would have suspected, after you are diagnosed. I live my life everyday thankful that I am healthy (because I am) and this is just a minor bump in the road that I deal with and live with.
You can find someone that will love you for you and see past the H.
As I posted in another thread, I am still with the gf who gave me HSV1 genitally. I haven't actually told her she did this as I thought it would totally devastate someone I love, and she is going through a really hard time at the moment. Plus, unburdening myself wouldn't do any good - the damage is done. If we break up I will try to tell her in the least hurtful way I can simply so she doesn't cause this pain to anyone else. I hope I never use it as something against her to hurt her with - well, I don't believe I will. It's just one of those things.
Also, I have cold sores, so I know how it goes (yep HSV1 in both places - confirmed). I used to obsess over giving oral sex to people in case I gave them HSV1 - how weird that I should be the one to suffer (especially as I am supposed to have immunity! Well, obviously not when exposed to active sores - I didn't realise she had a cold sore. I really kick myself for not having the conversation with her about cold sores I should have had, telling her I had them etc as I might have educated her about the risks. But, what is done is done).
So, I forgive her. Life can be a difficult thing sometimes, but we all have to get through. My gf would never intentionally hurt me. She's just a bit ignorant and naive about these things. I want to be with her for a long time because she's a great person, even despite this mistake she has made. I don't believe I hold it against her. I love her.
Okay, I feel silly. After reviewing this thread, I realize I've been telling people that I outlined our system for protecting my partner here--and I never did! Here it is: I don't believe condoms protect you from herpes; I've read too many posts ('way too many!) by people who got it while using one--males and females. My soulmate and I have never used condoms except for what they are intended: birth control. I also believe they often bring on ob's due to increased friction during intercourse.
So what have we been doing for 12-13 years to protect him? First, we never ever ever ever have sex if I have any kind of symptoms, which include exhaustion, leg tingling, or an uncomfortable feeling down there--I have learned to pay lots of attention to my body. When I think we may have sex, I check myself visually or by rubbing my finger around lightly in my usual ob sites. Second, when we have sex, he washes his entire crotch with soap (actually, Neutrogena) and water, sudsing it up good, right after.
He doesn't put pressure on me to have sex when I don't feel like it, because then I might override my own intuition to try to please him. We watch our diet and encourage each other to get a good night's sleep. When I do think I may be getting an ob, I tell him right away so that he doesn't start planning sex--only to be disappointed. Instead he will plan massages or nights out or long walks or snuggles and talks.
He knows that he may end up with it. He also knows that he may end up with it (or something worse) if he ever has sex with anyone in the world. We've had great sex over the years, and we have a great shared life together.
As for condoms and meds, to each his own! But we feel that the quality of our life together would be compromised if we used these. As Mr. Spock said, "There are always alternatives." This board is so valuable for allowing us all to discover the alternatives.
So what have we been doing for 12-13 years to protect him? First, we never ever ever ever have sex if I have any kind of symptoms, which include exhaustion, leg tingling, or an uncomfortable feeling down there--I have learned to pay lots of attention to my body.
I have read a few stories similar to yours, where couples continue to have sex, in many cases unprotected, and the man has gone years without contracting herpes. How much of this success do you think is do to careful planning, and how much is due to somebody being immune or more immune to herpes than others?
I have only been researching herpes for a week, so still learning.
But that's one thing that I am gathering, is that some people seem to have somewhat of an immunity to herpes, and others will get herpes and just never have outbreaks.
I don't think it has anything to do with immunity. I think it has to do with our loving care and precautions. I don't think anyone is immune to herpes; the antibodies don't keep you from contracting it in a different place, as many of us know through experience, and my soulmate has never had any kind of outbreaks, cold sores, etc--neither has any of his first family. Also, he has diabetes: not the best immune system, in other words.
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