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movingrightalong 09-15-2003 02:40 PM

Happy Couples
 
Considering that for the most part, one of the biggest concerns is having a healthy sex life again, and marriage and children and all those good things, I'm just wondering if anyone has some stories of happy healthy relationships is which H is small part. Also, if one has it and one doesnt.... are there any couples who don't use condoms 100 percent of the time? (yeah yeah, i know it's the best idea, but i'm talking reality, years and years into a marriage). or people who didn't have it going into a relationship and eventually just decided that it was worth the risk? and if you contracted it this way, how do you feel about it? I'm just curious, becuase pain and managing outbreaks and all are one thing, but what about real life? is there anyone who doesn't think about it much? (maybe not here.... beucase i guess if you dont think about it you don't think to come post messages about it...) anyway, sorry for the ramble, i'm just such a sucker for inspirational stories.
thanks!

backpacker 09-15-2003 04:27 PM

Hi , movingrightalong! I am such a person, in a great relationship for 12 years (got in it after finding out about h), and until about a year or two before I started coming to this board, I didn't think about it too much. I think that is the best way to deal with it. But I started having more frequent outbreaks and so started to look for info (found garlic oil! /thank you, SophiaM!) I don't have too much time right now, but if you want to read about me and my soulmate, who has never gotten h, look back to "does my gf have herpes?", last post 9-13-03, and scroll down to the 3rd entry by backpacker. I also had 4 boys, 2 after my primary ob, and have never felt that h has affected my life too much.

movingrightalong 09-15-2003 04:47 PM

there you go backpacker, making my day again :)
i read you and your soulmate's story, and it seems like it doesn't have too much impact on your days. hopefully your OBs will cease again soon and it will be like it was before. do you and your soulmate talk about it much? does he get wierd or worry about it? he sounds really cool and you two sound like a great couple.... thanks for the positive contributions!
i wonder if being in a loving and accepting relationship has an impact on lessening OBs for some.... considering that it would seem that a lot of sress is generated just by thinking about how this will impact future relationships and sex, etc. i know that getting to that point seems hard, but also very very much something that everyone deserves and can achieve.

backpacker 09-15-2003 10:43 PM

At times we have talked about it hardly at all. (Now, because I have more obs, we have to talk about it more.) He has never been weird about it with me, only sympathetic. I think I was always waiting for him to say, "What? An outbreak? You mean I have to be deprived again?" but that was never his reaction. He always said, "I'm sorry you have to go through this." There are guys like that out there!

But see, I believe the key is that we both wanted to be friends before we wanted to become intimate...we weren't looking for romantic involvement at all, having both just gotten through bad marriages. I think it's difficult sometimes to tell if someone really cares for you, cherishes the unique you, or wants merely to ease his own loneliness (or, worst case scenario, mainly wants sex.) But when you find the guy that wants to be your friend no matter what, then you've struck gold. (I really believe that if he doesn't want to deal with the h, then he isn't right for you, and you would both end up making each other miserable.) The right guy will deal with the h, because, well, you'll deal with his faults, at some point. That's love, right? I thought K had so few faults at first...the truth is, he is hard to live with, was emotionally wounded as a child and turns his pain inward or outward as anger, but you don't know it for a long time after you meet him. We deal with it. It's not a fairy tale. That has a lot more impact on our lives than the h, and we spend a lot more time talking about it. He's still a very cool guy.

I remember when my ex and I were dealing with his herpes, before I (found out that I) got it, we read a book that suggested making a point of doing other loving, nurturing things when you couldn't have sex, such as back or foot rubs, long walks together, romantic dinners, little thoughtful gifts, whatever. The idea, really, is to help each other through life. One way is to give each other the pleasure of sex...but that's only one way.

I know another woman who chose to marry a guy who had herpes, and they had two children (now almost grown.) As far as I know, she never got it. I also knew another great guy who was living with a woman with h. The h never bothered him much. After a while they broke up, but just due to normal relationship issues. So don't lose heart! It's really a matter of finding the right guy..just the same as it was before you had h, but now you have a better tool for weeding out the bad boys, the ones who would abuse you in the future.

hb2002 09-15-2003 11:32 PM

I was of the generation that was told herpes was only contagious during an outbreak. So I had several sexual partners (some with condoms and some without) and never gave it to any of them. I met my husband in the early 1990's, we have never used condoms and he has never had any sign of having herpes. Before I knew what viral shedding was and realized that was what the tingling feeling I was having was, we did have sex many times during this period. The only time we abstained was if I actually had an outbreak. So yes, it is possible to have a long term relationship with out passing this on to your partner.

mommy2three 09-17-2003 11:29 AM

My dh and I never really talk that much about it. If I am having an ob we just can't have sex but other than that it really is not a big part of our life. He never has obs. It has not changed anything we do sexually. I sometimes feel bad about it during an ob, I get a little depressed, like I feel diseased or something, but that is from me not him. My dh is really not emotional so to him this is very clinical and no big deal.

TickledPeenk 09-20-2003 05:05 PM

My BF and I were together for six months when he had a cold sore, performed oral sex on me, and transmitted HSV1 to my genitals.

We have not used condoms before that, and we didn't afterwards either. They irritate me (not sure if I'm allergic to latex, but PRETTY SURE I'm allergic to spermacide) and take away his sensitivity. Also due to the fact that condoms only offer limited protection against HSV, we didn't see it as being worth it.

We refrain from contact during my OBs, he washes up afterwards. That's about all.

Almost 9 months later, he is still HSV free... so far, at least.

My BFF has HSV 2 that she got when she was raped 5 years ago. She has been with her husband (Bf's BFF) for two years now, they have a 7 month old child and he has not gotten it. (We know that he in fact does not have it vs having it with no symptoms because he was blood tested and it came up negative)

They don't take any precautions right now, as she has not had an OB since before they started having sex.

freakedoutfemme 09-20-2003 09:38 PM

I have a friend who's 52 and into her third marriage. She's contracted herpes from her first husband back in the 70's. Since then, she's been married again and had a child who's now 20 and healthy. SHe was with him for 13 years and he contracted it 11 yrs later. However, her current partner has not contracted it and they've been together for over 10 yrs. She never uses condoms! She's come to know her body pretty well and all its symptoms and she's aware of when to refrain from having sex. She also thanks her knowledge of holistic medicine and meditation for feeling well and avoiding highly stressful situations. She considers herpes an important part of her life for as a result she;s learned to take care of herself better and has never used any pharmaceutical drugs and her ob's are less frequent in the past decade or more. However, she never considered herpes being a problem with having a mate. She was also very eager to point out to me that there are many other ways to show affection and sensuality without penetration or oral sex... and she and her partner have developed that area very well.

Oh... I also spoke to a male friend of mine and revealed this to him the other day. His reaction was interesting. He said his ex girlfriend had it. THey went out for 5 years and he never contracted it. He pointed out that it didn't affect at all the way he felt about her and they were just very careful and yes they used condoms.

So... I hope that give us all a little inspiration... I sure need it as well!

movingrightalong 09-22-2003 10:00 AM

Thanks, guys, for all of the stories. It's awesome to hear all of the positive stories of "normal" lives, with marriage and children and SEX in which H plays the part of a small inconvenience. It helps look beyond and into what the future can hold. Thanks again and feel free to keep them coming!

MrRoper 09-22-2003 05:17 PM

I told my new gf last month I have G-HSV1. I was stressed out for 2-3 weeks prior. I had hinted there was something serious I wanted to talk to her about...she was very nervous then of what I was going to say. I told her and also that I had Crohn's...she said she didn't see the big deal in either. Talk about relief LOL

Take care

happy tobeme 10-27-2003 01:51 PM

Wow How interesting, I never new that there could be a chance of my husband not having it, we have never seen any symptoms we just thought that since he was exposed to it by me, he automatically had it. When we met I did'nt know I had H never had any outbreaks, until a friend told me she slept with my x- boyfriend and contracted H from him, funny but soon after that I had an OB, my new boyfriend who's now my husband we already had slept together it was very difficult to tell this wonderful man he had Herpes or possibly had herpes. it didn't change his view on any thing though we still got married, but now that we have I have more freguent OB's, perhaps the new responsiblity of marriage? Its difficult sometimes I feel quilty telling him once again we can't have sex, but he never complains or seems upset about it.He did go have a blood test done last week and were waiting on the results.it will be cool if his comes back negitive. Its been very postive for me to read these stories of other couples, Thanks so much for sharing them with us.

helpmyself 11-12-2003 03:37 PM

I also have a promising story to share with the board about this.
I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. Then I moved away and felt I needed my own space and to date other people for a while. Well, during that time I contracted H (unknowingly, I never had symptoms). Then when my ex boyfriend and I started talking again, I realized that I wasn't interested in anyone else and that I just wanted to be with him. He decided to move to where I was and we were going to begin our lives together. We both agreed to go get tested just to make sure we were clean.
Well, he came up negative and I came up as having H. I was devastated!! I thought for sure that he wouldn't be able to look at me the same way, and in turn not love me anymore. When I finally sat down and talked to him about it he was at first shocked! Neither of us knew too much information on this topic. After the initial shock wore off, his next comment was 'there are tougher things that people go through in relationships and life. This is not going to be something that gets in the way of ours!"
I only found out that I had this a little over a month ago. Sometimes, it still hits me as shocking that I have this, but when I take a step back and look at the big picture, I consider myself pretty lucky.
I pay much more attention to my body now, and eat healthier, take supplements, and surprisingly, I feel better than I have in years (aside from the occassional tingling, which I eliminate with the garlic oil ) :-) I think that this experience is at first horrible and scary, but the silver lining is that it makes you see life in a new way and to appreciate your body and also to appreciate the people that care about you no matter what. So, there are people out there who are understanding and caring no matter what and there are others who are not. Having H just makes us more aware of the two. :)

thetwoofus 11-13-2003 05:12 PM

As far as myself, I don't think about it much because I do not get OB's for whatever reason, running/exercise, eating certain foods or just lucky. It definately puts a strain on a marriage and sex when the other partner has OB's constantly. Normal sex life is whatever you feel is normal to you. We do not use condoms at all. We have been married 13 years. I think a lot of it is mental and I just will it away or at least I think I do, maybe that is bull crap but again I do not get OB's. I help my wife and research day and night trying to find out more about the cuts/tears, razor type/like cuts, lines. Even thought they are very small and thin lines at the most maybe 2 at one time they still hurt and prevent sex.

[QUOTE=movingrightalong]Considering that for the most part, one of the biggest concerns is having a healthy sex life again, and marriage and children and all those good things, I'm just wondering if anyone has some stories of happy healthy relationships is which H is small part. Also, if one has it and one doesnt.... are there any couples who don't use condoms 100 percent of the time? (yeah yeah, i know it's the best idea, but i'm talking reality, years and years into a marriage). or people who didn't have it going into a relationship and eventually just decided that it was worth the risk? and if you contracted it this way, how do you feel about it? I'm just curious, becuase pain and managing outbreaks and all are one thing, but what about real life? is there anyone who doesn't think about it much? (maybe not here.... beucase i guess if you dont think about it you don't think to come post messages about it...) anyway, sorry for the ramble, i'm just such a sucker for inspirational stories.
thanks![/QUOTE]

Jessicaca 11-14-2003 09:30 AM

I just wanted to add that I am 1/2 of a happy couple as well. I found out I had H the day we were leaving for vacation. Unbeknownst to me, he was going to propose on the vacation. He still did. He was never phased by it. He told me he was in this for forever so if he got it too, well we'd just have it together. However, he has never contracted it, to the best of our knowledge. I have a minor ob during my period and we normally abstain then anyways, so it works ok for us. We never use condoms.

We have a 9 month old and while I worried about the delivery, everything was fine. I had an ob at 36wks and started taking Famvir to supress. It worked and I was given the ok for a vaginal (which didn't work for other reasons not related to H.).

I was worrid that H would affect my life, with the exception of the discomfort each month, it really hasn't.

thetwoofus 11-14-2003 10:19 AM

to Jessicaca:
 
I am not phased by it either other than helping my wife so it can help us. Of course we would like to have sex more often and whenever we feel like it unfortunately it does not happen with the OB's and hers also happen most during her period. Our main objective is to suppress those devils which is the whole idea. Take care.

[QUOTE=Jessicaca]I just wanted to add that I am 1/2 of a happy couple as well. I found out I had H the day we were leaving for vacation. Unbeknownst to me, he was going to propose on the vacation. He still did. He was never phased by it. He told me he was in this for forever so if he got it too, well we'd just have it together. However, he has never contracted it, to the best of our knowledge. I have a minor ob during my period and we normally abstain then anyways, so it works ok for us. We never use condoms.

We have a 9 month old and while I worried about the delivery, everything was fine. I had an ob at 36wks and started taking Famvir to supress. It worked and I was given the ok for a vaginal (which didn't work for other reasons not related to H.).

I was worrid that H would affect my life, with the exception of the discomfort each month, it really hasn't.[/QUOTE]


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