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Old 07-17-2008, 12:25 AM   #1
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Post Happy Couples to Be Continued...

The happy couples thread was closed but we need to continue the positive support This is my very first post, and after reading everyones testimonies it makes me feel like I am not alone! **New Story Alert** I just found out 2 days ago that my BF of almost 2 years has H. I cried for 2 days straight. We were actually about to move in together and I guess he knew hiding it would be harder. What hurt me most is the fact that he hid it from me for so long. He told me he was scared to lose me and knew the times to refrain from sexual activity with me (during any signs of an OB/an actual OB). It was funny b/c I use to call him a tease or an "old man" because he would suddenly be "too tired" or something. Now I know the truth. We are a very sexually active couple and didn't use condoms all the time. I have no idea if I have H and am scheduled for a GYN appt. next week (I will keep you guys posted). I love him so much and the thought of not having him in my life makes me feel worse than the fact of him having H. I'm still in shock and know that the more I learn the better I will feel. I love him so much! He is EVERYTHING I have always wanted & more! If he had lets say a regular sickness that caused cold sores and was contagious I would be completely willing to catch it from him and share his pain. Whats the difference? I have to accept the possibility of getting H (if I don't already have it). I decided I'd rather be with him and his H, than to be without him. The love I have for him is unconditional and so genuine. I'm not going to lie I am scared. All of this is SO new to me. I am doing research and learning more about H. Thank god for this site...hearing all those successful stories really gave me hope.

Last edited by Muneca78; 07-17-2008 at 10:54 AM.

 
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Old 07-17-2008, 07:54 PM   #2
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Re: Happy Couples to Be Continued...

Muneca,

See - you are a good person. I found out that my boyfriend gave me H and I am so mad that I could punch him every time he comes within hitting distance. BUT!!! Since I am very very newly diagnosed and inexperienced in the whole sex / dating department, I have that awful thought that no one will want me for the rest of my life and he is it for me. Even when people say " someone special will come along and look past the virus" I just cant bring myself to believe it right now. So the fact that you are so so so happy in your relationship, is awesome, seriously, be very happy about that. I am hoping that one day this feeling and anomosity (sp.??) towards my boyfriend desolves and I can go BACK to feeling how I once did, but for now....I am too mad to do that.

 
Old 07-17-2008, 09:34 PM   #3
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Re: Happy Couples to Be Continued...

Laurie I can completely understand what you are feeling. What you have to ask yourself is, is he even a good guy? Forget about H for one second and ask yourself if you saw you guys being together in the future? Because if he IS a great guy then you will look past this issue once time has healed. But please don't settle because you think there is no one that will accept this. Everything is extra right now, like salt on an open wound, but I promise you that you will get thru this. I hope he is being supportive of how you feel right now because you are COMPLETELY entitled to feel the way ur feeling. I'm actually scheduled to get tested next week and if I come out positive, I think I'll punch him too! lol But just know that there are bigger things happening around us. Look at the HIV/AIDS threads. Although this IS permanent, it's not deadly. Lemme know if you ever need to talk, I'm going to be on this site a lot now!

 
Old 07-20-2008, 03:20 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

I think that although your boyfriend didn't tell you about his herpes, it is great that he was so careful about not passing it onto you but refraining etc.

I did that same thing with my boyfriend i.e. not tell him, but refrained when I thought I may have an outbreak and take medication that limited chances of passing it or getting outbreaks. He didn't want to use condoms.

Unfortunately we broke up and I stopped taking the medication..then we had sex after catching up one night when I didn't know I had an outbreak...and I feel absolutely terrible that i may have passed it on. Although we are not together he is very dear to me...I am so upset at deciding whether to tell him now retrospectively. I don't want to cause him more grief that I have already - and obviously blame myself.

So I guess least your boyfriend has told you now that your relationship is more grounded and going to the next level.

 
Old 07-21-2008, 05:44 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

Oh Dear- thanks for your feedback. I think in your situation--you didn't pass it on maliciously and don't even know if he did in fact get it. What I would do is tell him to go to his doctor and not ask any questions. When he comes back with the results (hopefully negative) I would probably then tell him. I think coming from my end with a partner that has H, the worst part was him NOT telling me. I thought we were stronger than that and that we had open communication. I can imagine how hard it would be to tell someone, but if he's dear to you, I think now's the time. Things happen, but in your case be more careful with spontaneous sex. I wish you luck, keep me posted with what you decide to do!

 
Old 07-23-2008, 08:06 PM   #6
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Re: Happy Couples to Be Continued...

Well you are a better woman than I... I had been dating a guy for a year... (mind you i had regular STD screenings every 3-6 months)... after a year of dating him, I went for my annual... BAM** my whole life changed... i got a call from my dr... I had/have HSV-2... GREAT! well **HE** denied everything... I must've cheated, I must've gotten in from my ex-boyfriend... blah blah blah...

never had an outbreak, and antibodies appear within 3 months... so I know exactly where it came from...

I stayed... was it the right decision, in retrospect, no... I left him a little over a month ago now... 2 weeks is our "would be" 3year anniversary...

I stayed because I felt "victimized"... and "dirty"... who'd want me?... but I realize now... after 2 years, that ... if a man can't accept it... he's not "the one" anyways... and there are plenty of people out there with it (80%) that I can be happy without *him*...

Please (not saying you are) but do not stay with him because of it if you do have it... its not worth it... be you... live your life... and DO NOT settle!

 
Old 07-23-2008, 08:17 PM   #7
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Re: Happy Couples to Be Continued...

Well you are a better woman than I... I had been dating a guy for a year... (mind you i had regular STD screenings every 3-6 months)... after a year of dating him, I went for my annual... BAM** my whole life changed... i got a call from my dr... I had/have HSV-2... GREAT! well **HE** denied everything... I must've cheated, I must've gotten in from my ex-boyfriend... blah blah blah...

never had an outbreak, and antibodies appear within 3 months... so I know exactly where it came from...

I stayed... was it the right decision, in retrospect, no... I left him a little over a month ago now... 2 weeks is our "would be" 3year anniversary...

I stayed because I felt "victimized"... and "dirty"... who'd want me?... but I realize now... after 2 years, that ... if a man can't accept it... he's not "the one" anyways... and there are plenty of people out there with it (80%) that I can be happy without *him*...

Please (not saying you are) but do not stay with him because of it if you do have it... its not worth it... be you... live your life... and DO NOT settle!

 
Old 07-24-2008, 07:39 PM   #8
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Re: Happy Couples to Be Continued...

Thanks for your input. I would never settle. In my case I have not been diagnosed yet. My appt is this weekend. So right now I believe I MIGHT be H free but my toughest decision was do I want to be with someone that has it and RISK getting it. My answer is yes because I love him unconditionally. How can I leave him just because of this? He was a victim to it just like many others are. And just like I am willing to accept it, there are others that will as well. It's going to take me time adjusting to this news, it has only been a week and a half! In your case, I think thats horrible that he kept it from you and made it seem that YOU gave it to him. Unless he truly didn't know he had it. That's why this is such a big problem, people don't even KNOW they are spreading it. It's not 80% people who have it, more like 1 out of 5 doctors say (20%). I wish you luck, and I have faith you will meet someone that will look past it.

 
Old 07-25-2008, 09:02 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

Thanks so much, that's great advice. The same day I wrote my message, I went to the Dr for a test (explained the situation and my concern too)...thankfully the results just came back supporting her thoughts - that I wasn't having a herpes outbreak just a bit of thrush)...which I think means I am less likely to have passed anything on.

Also during the time I've waited for the results, my ex was in touch on good terms and never mentioned sypmtoms/problems, much to my relief. Breakup emotions change quickly thoguh, so before i've had the chance to suggest he has an STD test, we had a major fall-out so won't be in touch again. When things cool down I'll look for a window to tell him.

Although I haven't enjoyed this experience, I pray he hasn't got it, and it's been a good lesson in needing to be honest - and extra repsonsible in sex.

Going back to you, to be honest, I think for you the issue isn't so much about catching it from your partner if you are both in a committed relationship - its your communication about it, which you've sorted and are upfront with already. My first outbreak was painful and the next ones after - but now just slightly uncomfortable (confused with thrush even!) and frequency reducing all the time.
The real issue with it is the stigma and emotion of trying to deal with that - but if you both know and are both honest you are fine.
I told the first boyfriend I had after I was diagnosed with it, and our relationship was fine. This time round by being more secretive I've just created greater emotional distress for myself and increased chances of passing it on.

 
Old 07-25-2008, 10:19 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

How long have you had H? Have you learned to cope with it better and better as time has passed? My BF has had it for 8 years and he deals with it well. When he does have an OB which he claims is VERY rare, he is reminded of the psycho that gave it to him. But otherwise he says he feels completely normal. Do you think women are more emotional about it then men? I know we are more emotional creatures PERIOD lol. That's why I am over thinking this situation 100x over! I look at him and wonder "Is he ok?" "Is he having an outbreak now?" "what if one is about to come?" "when will we be able to go back to being normal?" "will we be able to have passionate sex without this overtaking my mind?" I think I'm going crazy! Tomorrow morning is my GYN appt. I'm sure I will feel better speaking about it with a pro but this site has really helped too. Thanks for telling me your story.

 
Old 07-25-2008, 11:01 PM   #11
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

It's been about 4 years now that I've had it - from my only-ever one-night stand - with someone I knew...and I thought it was going to turn into something more but it didn't.

I was devastated when I found out. I tried to confront the guy who gave it to me about it but he wouldn't meet up with me. That probably didn't help matters as I felt along trying to understand it. Worrying about when I would get it next, and how I could tell. The thought of that made it more uneasy to be intimate with anyone.

Most of the time I'm fine about it - but right I feel teary, uneasy and anxious that i may have passed it on. When i was trying to understand it, I would go to the dr to check if I was having an outbreak - half the time she didn't think I was - so maybe its made me paranoid!

I've had 3 boyfriends since I got, that haven't latest. Told the first and he was fine but I always have a slight question mark in my head if he would have told anyone. The 2nd I told in tears when I thought I was having an outbreak - he told me he had it too (we was like a counsellor for me on his experiences too), so after that I was fine. The 3rd now, I didn't tell and just worry I haven't passed it too.

One of my friends got it in her early 20's so it helped talking to her. One of my friends on her 30's now has just got it. She's been more open about it and is in quite a good headspace about it. She know people that have it and doesn't get any outbreaks anymore...so that's what I hope will happen to me. I probably get about 1 a year now (down from 2).

It doesn't worry me from the perspective of meeting anyone. Guess I am just going through a worrying patch for the thought of my ex. It's really just the stigma of it and not being aware of exactly when I get an outbreak (and impact of passing on), more than the inconvenience.

You should ask you boyf to take accycivor daily while you are going out as that reduces the risk of passing on (I did with my 1st boyf, the one I told, and as far I as know he never got it). It might even reduce the number of OBs he gets.

 
Old 07-26-2008, 10:36 PM   #12
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

Thanks so much for your advice. I went to the doctor today and of course she had no surprise on her face when I told her of my BF having H. I was teary eyed while explaining that this situation just had me in shock. Not only was I in fear of getting it but I hate knowing that he has to deal with this as well. When he initially told me, I broke down hysterical because all I could think is WHY? How could such a great person get this? A person that goes out of his way for strangers and even more for family. Such a good hearted wonderful human being? WHY? I cried more just knowing what he has had to go through these 8 years. Just when things are fine, BOOM, he is reminded of this horrible woman he crossed almost a decade ago and left him a lifetime "present". I mean this girl was HORRIBLE. Not only did she give this to him, but she stalked him for years, ruined all his relationships and just plainly tried to ruin his complete life. PSYCHO is the word I'm looking for.

So back to my visit, she told me most likely my tests will come back in my favor if after 2 years I have no symptoms,unless I am a carrier which gets no actual OB's. I'm so sorry because this has really opened my eyes. I was so judgemental about STDs and now I see how horribly this has effected so many innocent people! You didn't deserve to be dumped with this. And you,just like my BF,had to deal with this alone. I'm glad you found people to confide in and I'm sure now you feel a little better with less OB's. Please don't feel sorry for yourself. You are not a different person, and you will find someone that will accept it.

What happened with the guy u met that had it too? How funny was that to find out he had it as well?! As far as the recent guy, you DID NOT MEAN to pass this on. Since you don't get many "warnings" it must be hard to ever refrain when you should. The only thing you can do is take that medicine you told me about daily as well. Is it cheaper than Valtrex by any chance? My BF has no insurance and it is a KILLER on the pocket costing about $250 a month! So back to you-Don't let this eat you up. If you did it vindictively I would tell you that was horrible and wrong but you obviously have a conscience! God sees that,and good things will come your way. This is a hard lesson learned but honestly, one night stand or not this is happening to tons of people, even people IN relationships. And you WANTED a relationship so you just followed the moment. That a**hole will get what he deserves. Be glad it wasn't something deadly!

Just leave this situation alone for now, maybe as time passes you guys can talk things out and then you can be open and honest. Either way I would tell him eventually because he could have it and have NO idea. That's why this virus is so common...people are just spreading it without knowing. The difference is some people REALLY don't know or don't mean to, while other selfish ppl don't care anymore since they have to live with it. Don't beat yourself up about it!

Last edited by Muneca78; 07-26-2008 at 10:39 PM.

 
Old 07-27-2008, 05:39 AM   #13
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

Just FYI...I switched from Valtrex to Acyclovir. Dolysods on here suggested it b/c it is much cheaper. Although the Valtrex I was taking is 500 mg, the Acyclovir that is on the $4 plan at a world wide supermarket chain is 200 mg, my gyno approved me to take that one. Just have to take 2 pills/day. My total cost for 180 pills was $20. That's cheaper than if we would have ran it through my insurance!! My Valtrex was $35/month with insurance. I can't even imagine not having insurance! Check out the $4 plan...the pharmacy will need a script from the doctor. Good luck!

 
Old 07-27-2008, 10:14 AM   #14
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

Omg thanks so much for your feedback! That is a really big saver on the pocket! And 2 pills a day isn't bad. Do you know if he should go see his doctor and see if they approve that form of medication for him first? He has only 1-2 outbreaks a year so I'm assuming Valtrex is for the more frequent outbreaks it being stronger and all. Is there a way to buy them online? If not, now all I have to do is try to convince him to stop buying Valtrex online and go in person...wish me luck on that one!

 
Old 07-27-2008, 10:48 AM   #15
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Re: Feeling Relieved...

When I asked my gyno if I could change to Acyclovir he had no problem with that at all. I've only had the one ob. Not sure how many I'll have per year as I was just diagnosed. When my gyno wrote the script for 400mg I wasn't aware that the $4 plan covered the 200 mg. So, I called his office he said to have the pharmacy call and he would approve the 200 over the phone as well as approve 180 pills. So that's a 90 day supply (and yes, taking 2 a day isn't that bad...I take them at the same time). I am concerned about the mg difference but it is only a 100mg. I also started taking L-Lysine (500mg) a day just incase. You can get that anywhere. I don't get my Acyclovir on line, I go to the supercenter store's pharmacy. I did need a script but if your bf already has a script for Valtrex maybe a phone call to the doc to switch is all that would be needed. Good luck!

 
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