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Old 12-19-2008, 04:33 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Maryland
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Pumpkin33 HB User
In desperate need of advice

This is my first post. I just registered today but I've been on this website previously just to read and get encouragement. The happy couples thread was uplifting I was diagnosed with genital HSV-1 in 2001. My initial outbreak was awful but subsequent ones are minor, if at all. However, I do take valtrex for suppressive therapy. I got it from a guy I had been in a relationship with for 7 months...little did I know it wasn't a monogamous one. He claimed that he didn't know he had it. I took it extremely hard. Before I met this guy I had not had sex in 3 years b/c I was in the hate men mode from a prior relationship & focused strictly on going to college. I would (and still) think about how scary it was to date with all the STD's nowadays. I've never been one to sleep around and that's what made it even harder for me. I had sex with 4 people before getting H & I thought it was a raw deal. I stayed with him for over 6 years off and on and finally cut all ties about a year ago. Looking back on it, I realize that I stayed with him b/c I was insecure & afraid; it was easier to stay with him than put myself out there for rejection. I am a nice looking independent woman without children. I'm approached by men very often but don't choose to "date" b/c I hate it. I hated it before I had H and I hate it even more now that I do; I don't like the "get to know you" timeperiod b/c I'm shy. Anyway, I've been in a relationship for the past 3 months. And it's with a friend of mine that I've known for about a year or so. I wanted him get to know me first before I told him I had H b/c I had previously dated about 3 different guys and 2 out of 3 could not accept it. One said that he didn't care what I had...I looked so good that whatever I had he wanted it; I later found out that he did care & he voiced it publicly. The second one did not speak to me after I told him...but I told him after the first week of meeting him. The third person accepted it. I learned from those experiences that you need to allow the person time to get to know YOU first not H. I've never transmitted it to anyone. I knew the person I'm with now for about 2-3 months before I told him. And he was very nice about it. He actually admitted that he was glad that I allowed him to get to know me first b/c if I hadn't, he would've rejected me. He didn't know anything about H so I told him everything I know & provided websites if he wanted to read posts. We still wanted to take things slow b/c I had finally called it quits with the ex & didn't need to jump right into another relationship after all he had put me through. We basically became best friends up until about 6 months ago. I started performing oral sex on him, which he had no problem with. After awhile he asked me how safe it would be for him to reciprocate. I told him that there was a possibility of him contracting it if he had any sexual relations with me, which is what I'd explained all along. To date, he has never reciprocated. We have not had sexual intercourse. Yet he says that he is in love with me and has been. I am in love with him but getting more and more frustrated every day. At first I thought, how could he be in love with me when he has never had sex with me? But that's me. If I'm not satisfied sexually then I know it's not going to work out. And I found it difficult to fall in love with him when we had not made love, which to me is an important factor in showing affection to someone and bonding. Now that I am in love with him I don't know what to do. I am a very sexual person and I have voiced this to him on many occasions. I have not had sex with anyone since we've been in a relationship with him and wouldn't think of it. But honestly, the "toys" aren't doing it for me anymore I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him into something he's not ready for. But at the same time I've asked myself a million times if he's being honest with me...about being in love with me & about not having a problem with me having H. He's previously said that it scares him but he has accepted the fact that he may contract it. Another important thing to note here is that he is legally married but has been separated from his wife since I've known him; the divorce is almost final. I throw that in b/c he has also mentioned that he wanted to wait until he was officially divorced before we had sex b/c he didn't want me to think I was another notch in his belt. I need help b/c this is taking it's toll on our relationship at this point. I love him but I have needs that are not being fulfilled. And it goes without saying that this is negatively affecting my already low self-esteem. I've had H for 7 years now and for me it hasn't gotten any easier than when I was first diagnosed. I know I'm extremely long winded but I do appreciate your time.

 
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Old 12-20-2008, 03:40 PM   #2
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: new bedford, ma
Posts: 24
clarke51 HB User
Re: In desperate need of advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpkin33 View Post
This is my first post. I just registered today but I've been on this website previously just to read and get encouragement. The happy couples thread was uplifting I was diagnosed with genital HSV-1 in 2001. My initial outbreak was awful but subsequent ones are minor, if at all. However, I do take valtrex for suppressive therapy. I got it from a guy I had been in a relationship with for 7 months...little did I know it wasn't a monogamous one. He claimed that he didn't know he had it. I took it extremely hard. Before I met this guy I had not had sex in 3 years b/c I was in the hate men mode from a prior relationship & focused strictly on going to college. I would (and still) think about how scary it was to date with all the STD's nowadays. I've never been one to sleep around and that's what made it even harder for me. I had sex with 4 people before getting H & I thought it was a raw deal. I stayed with him for over 6 years off and on and finally cut all ties about a year ago. Looking back on it, I realize that I stayed with him b/c I was insecure & afraid; it was easier to stay with him than put myself out there for rejection. I am a nice looking independent woman without children. I'm approached by men very often but don't choose to "date" b/c I hate it. I hated it before I had H and I hate it even more now that I do; I don't like the "get to know you" timeperiod b/c I'm shy. Anyway, I've been in a relationship for the past 3 months. And it's with a friend of mine that I've known for about a year or so. I wanted him get to know me first before I told him I had H b/c I had previously dated about 3 different guys and 2 out of 3 could not accept it. One said that he didn't care what I had...I looked so good that whatever I had he wanted it; I later found out that he did care & he voiced it publicly. The second one did not speak to me after I told him...but I told him after the first week of meeting him. The third person accepted it. I learned from those experiences that you need to allow the person time to get to know YOU first not H. I've never transmitted it to anyone. I knew the person I'm with now for about 2-3 months before I told him. And he was very nice about it. He actually admitted that he was glad that I allowed him to get to know me first b/c if I hadn't, he would've rejected me. He didn't know anything about H so I told him everything I know & provided websites if he wanted to read posts. We still wanted to take things slow b/c I had finally called it quits with the ex & didn't need to jump right into another relationship after all he had put me through. We basically became best friends up until about 6 months ago. I started performing oral sex on him, which he had no problem with. After awhile he asked me how safe it would be for him to reciprocate. I told him that there was a possibility of him contracting it if he had any sexual relations with me, which is what I'd explained all along. To date, he has never reciprocated. We have not had sexual intercourse. Yet he says that he is in love with me and has been. I am in love with him but getting more and more frustrated every day. At first I thought, how could he be in love with me when he has never had sex with me? But that's me. If I'm not satisfied sexually then I know it's not going to work out. And I found it difficult to fall in love with him when we had not made love, which to me is an important factor in showing affection to someone and bonding. Now that I am in love with him I don't know what to do. I am a very sexual person and I have voiced this to him on many occasions. I have not had sex with anyone since we've been in a relationship with him and wouldn't think of it. But honestly, the "toys" aren't doing it for me anymore I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him into something he's not ready for. But at the same time I've asked myself a million times if he's being honest with me...about being in love with me & about not having a problem with me having H. He's previously said that it scares him but he has accepted the fact that he may contract it. Another important thing to note here is that he is legally married but has been separated from his wife since I've known him; the divorce is almost final. I throw that in b/c he has also mentioned that he wanted to wait until he was officially divorced before we had sex b/c he didn't want me to think I was another notch in his belt. I need help b/c this is taking it's toll on our relationship at this point. I love him but I have needs that are not being fulfilled. And it goes without saying that this is negatively affecting my already low self-esteem. I've had H for 7 years now and for me it hasn't gotten any easier than when I was first diagnosed. I know I'm extremely long winded but I do appreciate your time.
hi pumpkin ill tell you what me and my girlfriend do when having oral i take cling wrap i first use lube then place a big peice to cover well an she really enjoys it i know its not the same but it works well hope this help a little good luck

 
Old 12-20-2008, 06:43 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 932
matter of time HB User
Re: In desperate need of advice

You should read more about this. HVS1 genital, after the first outbreak is pretty dormant. While it is possible to spread it to someone else genitally, it rarely happens. There is a better chance of spreading it to someone else's mouth but if you avoid oral sex during outbreaks, there is a very small chance of that happening too. AND there is a very good change your boy friend already carries HVS1 antibodies and cannot get it again from you. More than half the population gets HVS1 in childhood from kissing relatives and by the time they are adults, 80% of the population has it and most of them don't know it. If you have the facts, and he really loves you, he should be willing to take the small risk. I can understand him wanting to wait for is divorce to be final.

 
Old 12-22-2008, 04:12 PM   #4
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(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
Pumpkin33 HB User
Re: In desperate need of advice

Thanks a lot Matter of Time. I really appreciate it. I did read a few articles I found online; hate to say it but I haven't researched the disease since I was first diagnosed and that's been awhile ago. I definitely learned some new information that kind of makes me feel more sad. The worst thing I could be doing is oral sex...and I thought the opposite. I mean sure it helps that it's HSV 1, few to no outreaks, and I take valtrex. But the fact is that I can still transmit it no matter how slim the chance. And I don't think I could live with myself if I were to give it to him. I know I've been totally honest and he's made the decision to be with me but I also want to protect him. Most of all from the social stigma of the disease not the disease itself. I believe it's the most difficult to deal with. And if the tables were turned, I think he'd do the same for me. I believe I should stick to being with people that have this in common with me. Otherwise, it's a bear emotionally. Thanks again.

 
Old 12-23-2008, 01:47 PM   #5
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: new bedford, ma
Posts: 24
clarke51 HB User
Smile Re: In desperate need of advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpkin33 View Post
This is my first post. I just registered today but I've been on this website previously just to read and get encouragement. The happy couples thread was uplifting I was diagnosed with genital HSV-1 in 2001. My initial outbreak was awful but subsequent ones are minor, if at all. However, I do take valtrex for suppressive therapy. I got it from a guy I had been in a relationship with for 7 months...little did I know it wasn't a monogamous one. He claimed that he didn't know he had it. I took it extremely hard. Before I met this guy I had not had sex in 3 years b/c I was in the hate men mode from a prior relationship & focused strictly on going to college. I would (and still) think about how scary it was to date with all the STD's nowadays. I've never been one to sleep around and that's what made it even harder for me. I had sex with 4 people before getting H & I thought it was a raw deal. I stayed with him for over 6 years off and on and finally cut all ties about a year ago. Looking back on it, I realize that I stayed with him b/c I was insecure & afraid; it was easier to stay with him than put myself out there for rejection. I am a nice looking independent woman without children. I'm approached by men very often but don't choose to "date" b/c I hate it. I hated it before I had H and I hate it even more now that I do; I don't like the "get to know you" timeperiod b/c I'm shy. Anyway, I've been in a relationship for the past 3 months. And it's with a friend of mine that I've known for about a year or so. I wanted him get to know me first before I told him I had H b/c I had previously dated about 3 different guys and 2 out of 3 could not accept it. One said that he didn't care what I had...I looked so good that whatever I had he wanted it; I later found out that he did care & he voiced it publicly. The second one did not speak to me after I told him...but I told him after the first week of meeting him. The third person accepted it. I learned from those experiences that you need to allow the person time to get to know YOU first not H. I've never transmitted it to anyone. I knew the person I'm with now for about 2-3 months before I told him. And he was very nice about it. He actually admitted that he was glad that I allowed him to get to know me first b/c if I hadn't, he would've rejected me. He didn't know anything about H so I told him everything I know & provided websites if he wanted to read posts. We still wanted to take things slow b/c I had finally called it quits with the ex & didn't need to jump right into another relationship after all he had put me through. We basically became best friends up until about 6 months ago. I started performing oral sex on him, which he had no problem with. After awhile he asked me how safe it would be for him to reciprocate. I told him that there was a possibility of him contracting it if he had any sexual relations with me, which is what I'd explained all along. To date, he has never reciprocated. We have not had sexual intercourse. Yet he says that he is in love with me and has been. I am in love with him but getting more and more frustrated every day. At first I thought, how could he be in love with me when he has never had sex with me? But that's me. If I'm not satisfied sexually then I know it's not going to work out. And I found it difficult to fall in love with him when we had not made love, which to me is an important factor in showing affection to someone and bonding. Now that I am in love with him I don't know what to do. I am a very sexual person and I have voiced this to him on many occasions. I have not had sex with anyone since we've been in a relationship with him and wouldn't think of it. But honestly, the "toys" aren't doing it for me anymore I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him into something he's not ready for. But at the same time I've asked myself a million times if he's being honest with me...about being in love with me & about not having a problem with me having H. He's previously said that it scares him but he has accepted the fact that he may contract it. Another important thing to note here is that he is legally married but has been separated from his wife since I've known him; the divorce is almost final. I throw that in b/c he has also mentioned that he wanted to wait until he was officially divorced before we had sex b/c he didn't want me to think I was another notch in his belt. I need help b/c this is taking it's toll on our relationship at this point. I love him but I have needs that are not being fulfilled. And it goes without saying that this is negatively affecting my already low self-esteem. I've had H for 7 years now and for me it hasn't gotten any easier than when I was first diagnosed. I know I'm extremely long winded but I do appreciate your time.
hi pumpkin matter of time is right mabe he should go get tested an if hes already been exposed to herpes 1 then theres nothen to worry about maybe hes your blessing in disguise good luck and the best meds for this is turn off the stress wishing you a merry christmas.

 
Old 01-13-2009, 09:26 AM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: VT United States
Posts: 19
Newwidow HB User
Re: In desperate need of advice

I just want to say I was in your same shoes and finally put an end to it. Mine was a little different for the "friend" said he was not comfortable with it. In the 8 months of me hanging out with him we did have sex 5 times and each time he did a 360 turn and sometimes would not even call me for a few days. I could tell he would never accept the "h". I feel that this man may really love you but if he cannot have sex with you then he will not accept the "h". I too have a great deal going for me and I am pretty good looking. I get many looks wherever I go but I don't want to deal with telling the "h" story.

I have met many men and I am honest about it and most walk away. I had two say they would deal with it but they were not my type. I was married for 10 years and my husband passed away. I was feeling like I was going to give up and then reading these stories gives me some hope.

I did get crazy one night with a great guy I like and now I may have exposed him. we did not have sex but we did other things and now he is waiting out the incubation period. He is not sure about us so I don't know if I will ever hear from him again.

I guess the best thing we can do is not give up, be honest and I have found the more people I have to tell the easier it is. I also know that so many people have it so we may just find that person to accept us for who we are.

I feel this guy you have been with is a lot like the man I hung with and don't get me wrong we are to this day great friends but I knew he would never accept me for who I was. If he was running after sex then he would never be okay with it and I feel your guy will never be okay with it because he will not even go to the sex area. I loved my friend so much but now we talk and hang out for wine once in a while but never go to that place where I know he would never accept me.

 
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