The emotional flip side of it all - Herpes Message Board

Somewhatblue · 03-22-2009, 10:41 AM

I was angry when I wrote this and went back to edit it later because it got too personal. But the frustration was flowing at the same time.

This is my first blog here. I've been reading others, and its nice to know this site is here and available. I don't mean to rant and rave but I truly am having a hard time with this and just need some comfort or advice.

I was recently diagnosed with Herpes. I found the spot on the outside of my v-j about 10 months ago but didn't realize what it was. I just hurt so bad I found myself soaking in a warm bath a lot. I wasn't feeling good and put off going to the doctor because life was so busy. By the time I did go the sore was gone and there was no way of doing a culture to find out what it was. I took the blood test, which came back neg at the time. I've read it takes a while for it to get into your system. I only found out recently because I wanted to know that I hadn't caught anything from an ex cheating boyfriend.

I'm very angry right now. I told him first, which he totally didn't want anything to do with. Then I told his new significant other.

I know this person so I feel betrayed to begin with.

I have found myself on an emotional roller coaster ride with all this.

Right now I feel so bitter that I have this disease. My body is not right, and I'm not feeling good either. My right leg has hurt for about 4 weeks now to the point of loosing sleep. It feels like small muscle spasms through it from my calf to my groin. I feel pretty ugly with the hate I feel about him. And very ugly for telling her.

Does everyone go through this feeling of shame?

Does everyone want the new partner to know about it? I really don't want anyone to know I have it. But I did tell them.

I have to live my life with this disease now, I sure don't want to think that I could have prevented someone else and didn't.

I'm not sure if I have gone about all this the right way. I just got my blood test back a few weeks ago, its all so new to me. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can, but the anger seems to keep flowing in so many different ways. Is this all normal? Maybe someone can give me some peace with it all, and maybe even tell me that this is a normal feeling. (or not) I'm so upset right now, it's overwhelming.

Help, Confused and feeling

very hateful

angeleyz81 · 03-22-2009, 11:00 PM

Hi,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way..but the inital shock is hard to deal with also telling someone but trust me it gets better in time. When you had the first blood test done do you know which kind it was? the IGM is horrible and highly unreliable.
Do you know which type you have? I would ask the doctor for an IgG type specific so that you know.

I am not going to take sides here but it is possible that you or he had it before you entered your relationship, people can have herpes for years with out any signs or symptoms.

As for telling the new girlfriend, I wouldnt have done that, I would have told him to get tested (I know you mentioned he didnt want to hear anything) and then let him handle it from there but I would also have wanted to know his results as well.

Just take a breath and know that this is NOT the end of the world. 1 in 4 women have this and 1 in 5 men. It is a common virus just goes undiagnosed in many. 90% of people that find out they have this had no clue since they didn't have any signs. There are men that are out there that will be with you regardless of this. Herpes does not define who you are, its just a pesky skin condition that is manageable.

Somewhatblue · 03-23-2009, 04:52 AM

I was diagnosed with type II Genital Herpes. I was with my ex huband for 11 years, single for 2 and then started dating this man. He cheated in our relationship. I have been tested for everything four times since I have been with him. Each time I felt overwhelmed with the cheating and asked for testing on everything. I don't know which brand test was given, but I have great health insurance and went to a local lab. But this last test was after I had signs, and he had signs as well. I even got a patch of the stuff on my face which I had never had before. I believe I contracted it through him with the initial outbreak about 10 to 12 days after his. As we all try to put two and two together, it just comes to mind his symptoms, and then mine shortly after. It all makes perfect sense.

He is a very dishonest person, so I doubt I will ever find out about his results. I'd say if they come back negative, he would call me. Which I have not received. I figure he would want to tell me that. But if there is not a call, then I'd say he tested positive. I feel 99.9% sure he gave it to me. He engaged in unprotected sex with more than a couple of women since I have been with him. And one of them that I know of has had a problem with doing the same thing. So everyone he has slept with and she had slept with, I have slept with also. Errr.

I plan to make an appointment with my GYN to get some counseling and find out which test was preformed. But I have no doubt as to what I have and that it was accurate. I'm living it, and have been. You know how your body feels.

I do not plan to have any kind of relationship with a man any time soon. I've decided that I really need to know my body first and how it is reacting to this disease. I have such a fear of infecting someone else with it. I'm so new at this, I need the time to explore on my own what treatments work and what is available before I where to meet someone and pull their world into mine. It only seems fair to get that time. And really, I'm not interested in that right now any way. I'm really feeling bad about myself at the moment.

I know its not the end of the world and life moves on. I just keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare, and its not happening.

Thank you for your reply. I hope this week gets better knowing that its all on the table with the other parties involved. I feel better knowing that you would have told both of them too. I feel so embarrassed right now though. I hope that too passes with time. I've done a lot of praying since I wrote my initial blog. I really need this hate and anger to go away soon. I would hope that will pass in time also. I've been miserable with all of it weighing so heavy on my mind.

vanillacupcake · 03-26-2009, 06:02 PM

i'm sorry that this happened to you the way it did but i can relate to how you feel. I've only had sex with one person yet I felt shame and I really felt like it was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I remember telling the doctor while I was balling my eyes out, "I feel so gross." She said..."you shouldn't feel that way, you didn't do this to yourself." This has probably the most emotional time of my life so far and I'm definitely still not over it...I mean it did just recently happen. It's hard but I'm sure we will eventually come to terms with it. We need to be positive because if we're not then it just makes it even harder for us. When I found out that I had H I felt like my world was crashing down...but there are worse things in life.

Somewhatblue · 03-26-2009, 06:44 PM

Hey girl, I know what you mean about how it could be worse. As the days go by I've been dealing with it, not excepting it fully but how can we when it's so new. I just hope that every day goes by and I become calmer and calmer knowing that I cant change a thing about it, but I can live with it. I think the best hope in that is mental health and not getting stressed about it too bad. I'm sure in time we will feel beautiful again and it will be only a small pesty thing in our wonderful lives, that will not drag us down and will only show us what we are made of. Many people live with so much worse. So much. When I look at statistics, it makes me realize how so alone I am not. And if other people can live a normal life with it, so can we. I don't think I can ever forgive the man that gave it to me, and the way he did it, but he is not my problem anymore. It's about me and my happiness. My body. So many things seem to be real right now, maybe all the things I took for granted in the past, seems like I'm hanging on to tighter now. Especially my relationship with friends and family. Although they don't know about it. I really felt like the world was ending for me. That is going away little by little. But I sure seem to see the brighter side of things now. I started getting a break out a few days ago and I think it was because I was stressing so bad. It's not gotten any worse, so hopefully if I can remain calm it wont be too bad. I'm really trying to focus on it positively, I don't know any other way of doing it. I have 3 grown children and a grand baby. They need me, my family needs me, and the world needs me too. lol

Peace and hugs, it will get better for both of us in time. Hang in there.