Dating someone with Herpes - Herpes Message Board

Elizabeth22211 · 04-18-2009, 04:44 PM

Hello - I have been dating another women who has herpes for the past 2 years..we have a great relationship in every way, except for being intimate...It has come to the point that she thinks 2 years is too long without sex..I think she thinks that I don't want her, but that is so not true.I just feel afraid to be intimate with her for fear of getting herpes myself. I have talked to her once about going on Valtrex and she did, but even with that there is a chance of contracting the disease..I am afraid of losing her, but also shocked that she doesn't see that I am afraid of getting this...any advice???

angeleyz81 · 04-18-2009, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elizabeth22211

Hello - I have been dating another women who has herpes for the past 2 years..we have a great relationship in every way, except for being intimate...It has come to the point that she thinks 2 years is too long without sex..I think she thinks that I don't want her, but that is so not true.I just feel afraid to be intimate with her for fear of getting herpes myself. I have talked to her once about going on Valtrex and she did, but even with that there is a chance of contracting the disease..I am afraid of losing her, but also shocked that she doesn't see that I am afraid of getting this...any advice???

Hi..wow I am sorry I would have to agree 2yrs without being intimate is a long time. Honestly ..being intimate with someone is bringing that bond closer..

As for transmission... do you know which type she has? They haven't given the transmission rates from same sex partners but in general to catch herpes from an infected women is less then getting it from an infected man.

I will post the transmission rates for female to male..maybe that will make you feel a little better ( I would think it may be a 1% chance if she is on valtrex since you shouldn't be affected if she is having an outbreak internally as a man would).. and honestly .. if you love her and want to be with her.. you should take her as she is.. herpes is just an annoying skin condition... it doesn't define someone as a person ya know

I know you speak on being shocked on her not seeing that your afraid.. honestly I am going through a bit of the same situation here.. although I honestly would have walked out a long time ago if it was 2 yrs without being intimate... but you need to understand where she is coming from.. first it is hard to tell someone that you have this for fear of rejection... and if the person accepts you.. you expect to move on and have a normal relationship.. By you not being intimate..i can see where it will make her feel not wanted by you (actions speak louder then words).. and I mean have you ever put yourself if her shoes?

If you honestly can't see past this.. I think you would owe it to yourself as well as her to let her go so that she can find someone that will accept her for her.. herpes and all. She definitely cares about you enough to have told you... that means alot

Also keep in mind.. 1 in 4 women have this..and 90% of the infected don't even know..

Here are the Female to Male transmission rates

If you have 100 couples where the female has HSV 2 but not the male (these figures are over a year) the odds of female to male transmission are if you do nothing other than avoid sex during an outbreak 4 men out of a 100 will get herpes in a year or 4% If you do go on a suppressive therapy then it drops to 2 men out of a 100 in a year or 2% and if you use suppressive and a condom the chances are 1 man out of a 100 will get herpes in one year or 1%.

The valtrex and transmission study stats are based on having sex 2 times/week.

Ca.Girl2 · 04-19-2009, 09:40 AM

Angel,

I disagree with your information on it being harder for a woman to attain herpes than a man. MEN don't "catch" herpes as easy from a woman because their penis is not a wet damp area. Women have that wet damp area and hence are able to attain the virus easier than a man. Look at it like the inside of of your cheek as compared with the outside of your cheek.. comprenda?

angeleyz81 · 04-19-2009, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ca.Girl2

Angel,

I disagree with your information on it being harder for a woman to attain herpes than a man. MEN don't "catch" herpes as easy from a woman because their penis is not a wet damp area. Women have that wet damp area and hence are able to attain the virus easier than a man. Look at it like the inside of of your cheek as compared with the outside of your cheek.. comprenda?

Hi I am not here to argue..I never said it was harder for a woman to get herpes then a man, but I suggest that you re-read what I had written..
"They haven't given the transmission rates from same sex partners but in general to catch herpes from an infected women is less then getting it from an infected man."

coping63 · 04-19-2009, 01:05 PM

I would have to agree with Angel, on this, I am not stepping on any toes for sure, so don't take offense... The most contagious period of the Virus is the Shredding period this is after the sores start to heal and the old skin sheds, it really has nothing to do with a wet area, skin to skin contact, Herpes is not passed internally through blood or body fluids. Agreeing again, there is no way of knowing what the chances are between same sex couples, but of course there is a chance and sounds like you and your partner have already discussed this. If you really want to move forward with her maybe the two of you might want to go and make an appointment with her doctor and discuss all your fears and see where that puts you.. Everyone here on this board try to give advice to the best of OUR own experiences with Herpes, We are not doctors, but we are knowledgeable, We do our best and hope that we Help. Take Care and Good Luck