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Old 04-21-2009, 05:21 PM   #1
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Recently diagnosed lesbian

I am a 59 year old lesbian and was diagnosed in February, 09 with HSV 2 after an initial outbreak. My partner of nearly 2 years tested negative. I have no idea where I caught the virus since it can lay dormant for a very long time before an initial outbreak. My partner has pulled back totally from me saying she doesn't want to contract the disease and I also want her to remain in her negative state. We had a wonderfully fulfilling physical relationship until my diagnosis and now she will not even kiss me. I am on a daily therapy of Acyclovir and have been since diagnosis.

I am experiencing so many emotions all leading back to the fact that I am feeling like "damaged goods". My partner's reaction to me has quadrupled my feelings of self loathing. I know this is not my fault, but I feel like crawling in a hole and hiding from the world.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has conquered these types of feelings and any words of encouragement I could offer my partner to let her know that herpes is not the end of the world. Help....please!

 
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Old 04-21-2009, 05:46 PM   #2
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Re: Recently diagnosed lesbian

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadlypositive View Post
I am a 59 year old lesbian and was diagnosed in February, 09 with HSV 2 after an initial outbreak. My partner of nearly 2 years tested negative. I have no idea where I caught the virus since it can lay dormant for a very long time before an initial outbreak. My partner has pulled back totally from me saying she doesn't want to contract the disease and I also want her to remain in her negative state. We had a wonderfully fulfilling physical relationship until my diagnosis and now she will not even kiss me. I am on a daily therapy of Acyclovir and have been since diagnosis.

I am experiencing so many emotions all leading back to the fact that I am feeling like "damaged goods". My partner's reaction to me has quadrupled my feelings of self loathing. I know this is not my fault, but I feel like crawling in a hole and hiding from the world.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has conquered these types of feelings and any words of encouragement I could offer my partner to let her know that herpes is not the end of the world. Help....please!
Hi,
The Herpes virus can lay dormant for years and years some people have gone 25yrs without an OB or signs/symptoms. This reason alone is why they say an estimated 90% of infected people have no idea.

How was your partner tested? Some blood test are more reliable then others.. for instance the IGM is not good .. you can not use those results but if it were an IgG test the results are accurate unless its a new infection at which time it may take up to 4 months for the body to build up antibodies.

You should NEVER feel like damaged goods..but unfortunately it tends to come with HSV at first... and it doesn't help when you are going through this "alone". I understand about your partner not wanting to kiss you or be intimate with you.. My boyfriend is acting the same way, its been almost 3 months.

My advice would be to read the Herpes handbook (http://www.******.html) and tell you partner to take a look at it as well. Let her have some time to think about it and just try to educate yourself in the meantime in case she does have questions after reading.

It can be very shocking to the uninfected partner... so they may need time to take it all in.. and honestly if she really loves you she will stay with you and help you through this.

Make her aware that if you have it genitally she can not get it by kissing you or vice versa (depending on where you have it). I can tell you that it will get better.. you have to be strong for you, in the end thats all you have (and us on the board of course). Also stats say 1 in 4 women have it..and its not that big of a deal... this virus is such a common undiagnosed virus.

About 50 to 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes, which is commonly called cold sores or fever blisters (see but this doesn't have the stigma for some reason that genital has..although this can cause genital)

If you have anymore questions please feel free to post.. there are wonderful people on this board willing to offer advice
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Last edited by hb-mod; 04-22-2009 at 03:01 AM. Reason: Please don't post links to commercial websites as per Posting Policy. Thanks.

 
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Old 04-21-2009, 05:56 PM   #3
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Re: Recently diagnosed lesbian

I think we have all felt that feeling of being 'damaged' upon first finding out we had contracted herpes. Especially genital herpes. There seems to be such a stigma attached to HSV2. I can tell you that diminishes with time. The first six months after I found out I was sure life would never get back to normal. But it has for the most part.

First off how were you diagnosed? Via a swab culture or blood test or hopefully both? And you are sure your partner had the correct test done on her? An IgG blood test vs the unreliable IgM blood test?

Has your partner researched any of this for herself? If you are on medication and you don't have sex when you feel any kind of strangeness 'down there', her risk is very much lowered. I wonder if she had cold sores (HSV1) if you would refuse to ever kiss her again? The stigma does not seem so much attached to that even though they are very similar.

Perhaps some education of your partner is needed. She may just need time to absorb all of this.

Also, if you have not already done so there is a "Happy Couples" thread at the top of the listing of postings. It is proof that 'there is life after herpes.' Also this board can be a great source of support so wail away if you need to. But don't beat yourself up about it. You HAVE herpes, you ARE NOT herpes. You are so much more. And if your partner does not see it and runs in the other direction then perhaps she is not the life partner for you. If herpes scares her away, what about the big things like cancer and illness and such. You can't change what has happened but going forward with a positive outlook will greatly help you deal with this and just about everything else in your life too. :-)
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HSV-2 positive. Found out 9-27-07. Flu-like symptom 6-7-07.
Year one outbreaks Sep Oct Nov Dec Apr Jun. Ugh.
Year two outbreaks Dec Apr/May

Last edited by Truthseek; 04-21-2009 at 05:58 PM.

 
Old 04-22-2009, 04:58 PM   #4
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Re: Recently diagnosed lesbian

I know exactly how you feel. I found out today April 22, 2009 i have herpes. I feel like i am ruined and that i can never have a normal relationship with a man in the future let alone fine someone to want to marry me or be intamite with ever again. I think that i contracted the disease from a friend who i occasionally have sex with. I was tested before having sexual contact with him. We never talked about if he has been tested and i know he has had multiple partners before me. I do not think he is aware that he might possibly be infected and i have to tell him that i have it and he needs to go get tested. This i know is going to put a big strain on our friendship and may even end it and that would be hard since i see this close friend almost everyday and talk to him everyday and his roomate is a girl and is a close friend of mine as well who i hang out with almost everyday as well. I dont know how i will approach him on the subject but i guess i will begin asking if or when he was last tested. I would be very upset if he knows he has herpes and didnt tell me. There are so many synerios running through my head and they are all negative right now. I just hope for you sake and mine that it does get better with time and managing it like everyone says but for now you have to let your emotions run their course and find support.

 
Old 04-22-2009, 05:31 PM   #5
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Re: Recently diagnosed lesbian

I wanted to thank all who responded to my post. I appreciate your support and comforting words. Yes, both my partner and I were tested with both the IGG and IGM blood tests so we are fairly certain that the results are correct. I am positive for Herpes 2/Negative for Herpes 1 and she is negative for both. My partner has an appointment with her physician tomorrow to discuss the issue. I hope she asks the right questions. I have done so much reading on the topic and I think we could be safe enough to calm her fears. I would be willing to go as far as a body suit of latex if it made her feel safer!!! But she is still dealing with fear and I understand that. I would never want her to have this. Thank you again for your support. It is very nice to have a place to talk and not feel judged.

 
Old 04-24-2009, 12:17 AM   #6
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Re: Recently diagnosed lesbian

Oh God I am even more scared to tell my partner now. What if he pulls away too? Oh god.

I agree with Lyra I feel like a dirty ****. It's pouring rain out side but I think I've cried twice as much water! I don't know what to do. My Dr. has recommended St. John's Wart as a preventative natural therapy. I already take so many needles for my Type 1 and birth control I didn't want more meds if I could find something more natural. Have any of you had luck with this?

 
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