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Old 08-28-2011, 09:28 PM   #1
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My boyfriend just confessed he has herpes and we want to get married and have a baby

My bf and I started out as friends with benefits about a year and a half ago. We had unprotected sex a couple of times during our first 3 months but then we broke up afterwards for about 2 months. Anyways, when we got back together, this time in a serious relationship, i noticed that he always wanted to use condoms and only twice let me perform oral sex. 8 months into our relationship he finally confessed that he had herpes and that he probably got it during the 2 months we stopped seeing each other, at least thats what we both think since i don't have herpes, at least I haven't shown any symptoms. He's told me that he very rarely has an ob and they are usually around his genital area, not on it. We love each other so much and he's really worried about getting me infected so I really want to learn more about Herpes and how i can be supportive of him, not affect our sex life and careful also, since we want to get married and have a baby. How can we have a baby with out having artificial insemination? Also I kinda worry that I may have gotten it when i performed oral sex although i haven't gotten any cold sores or ob. Can I still perform oral sex? Can I get infected if we have unprotected sex, when he shows no signs of Herpes? or only gets outbreaks around the genital area? I know its a skin on skin infection, if I avoid that area can I still get it? In all this time i've been with him i have not seen any ob. I have so many questions and concerns and I hope someone can be of any help to answer them.

 
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Old 08-30-2011, 04:57 PM   #2
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Re: My boyfriend just confessed he has herpes and we want to get married and have a b

8 months into our relationship he finally confessed that he had herpes and that he probably got it during the 2 months we stopped seeing each other, at least thats what we both think since i don't have herpes, at least I haven't shown any symptoms.
Was he ever tested? And did you get tested? One or both of you could have had it and not known.

He's told me that he very rarely has an ob and they are usually around his genital area, not on it.
Herpes can be anywhere in the 'boxer shorts area' because the virus lives in the nerve ganglions at the base of the spine and those nerves serve that whole area. So you could come in contact with any of that skin area and be infected but obviously the area directly around any sores/blisters/cuts during an outbreak is the most dangerous area.

We love each other so much and he's really worried about getting me infected so I really want to learn more about Herpes and how i can be supportive of him, not affect our sex life and careful also, since we want to get married and have a baby. How can we have a baby with out having artificial insemination?
You can get pregnant the normal way. :-) The danger of herpes and pregnancy occurs if the Mom does not have herpes and contracts it in that last trimester of pregnancy. Since it takes the body about 3-4 months to build up antibodies to the virus, if the baby coming through the birth canal comes into contact with the mother's infected skin, the baby could contract herpes. And herpes to a baby with none of Mom's antibodies is serious. But if you had herpes or were at risk for it, your doctor would usually prescribe antiviral meds to help suppress the virus 3 months before or at the time of the birth or do a C-section if warranted.

Also I kinda worry that I may have gotten it when i performed oral sex although i haven't gotten any cold sores or ob. Can I still perform oral sex?
If he has type 2, it is said that oral type 2 from performing oral sex is rare but it does happen. If he has type 1 on genitals and you perform oral sex on him, you could contract type 1 orally which 80% of the population already has. You need to find out if he was tested, what type of test was done and what type was diagnosed.

Can I get infected if we have unprotected sex, when he shows no signs of Herpes? or only gets outbreaks around the genital area? I know its a skin on skin infection, if I avoid that area can I still get it?
Yes, even if he shows no symptoms, there is something called 'shedding' which basically means the virus is active on the surface of the skin but there is no obvious outbreak. But a person does not 'know' they are shedding so it gets complicated. That is where he really needs to know his body and if he feels 'off' to not have sex. Yes, even if you avoid the area (see boxer short area explanation above) you could get it.

In all this time i've been with him i have not seen any ob. I have so many questions and concerns and I hope someone can be of any help to answer them.
Just be aware that in women, herpes can often mimic a multitude of things - urinary tract infections, yeast infections, BV etc. And often a herpes test is not run in the standard tests for STD's. Unless you have the type specific IgG blood test or a swab culture of a suspected outbreak to rule out herpes, you could have it and not know it. That is how I got it from my boyfriend. :-(
Questions are good. Knowledge is power and education is key to getting the spreading to stop. They never taught us this in high school sex ed so read up and ask away here or to your doctor. Hope I got all of those answered.
__________________
HSV-2 positive. Found out 9-27-07. Flu-like symptom 6-7-07.
Year one outbreaks Sep Oct Nov Dec Apr Jun. Ugh.
Year two outbreaks Dec Apr/May

 
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Old 08-30-2011, 07:46 PM   #3
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Re: My boyfriend just confessed he has herpes and we want to get married and have a b

Thank you! I thought I knew all there was to STD's from highschool but the truth is there's still alot I need to learn especially now that I am going through this. I haven't been tested and i'm kinda scared so is he. What confuses me is, IF i might have it, how is it that i don't get blisters or ob? not even an infection? I'm gonna get tested just as soon as i find a clinic since i recently moved and i'm hoping he can go with me because he's kinda stubborn. Also this shedding you mentioned, are there symptoms? how does he know when he's shedding? and if he isn't can we have unprotected sex in order to conceive without me contracting it?

 
Old 08-30-2011, 09:30 PM   #4
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Re: My boyfriend just confessed he has herpes and we want to get married and have a b

Many people are symptom-free at first. It may take several months or even years for an outbreak. Some people never have an outbreak, or they are so mild they don't realize what they have. For example, I got it early in 2010 but didn't have an actual outbreak until late in the year. I did have multiple bouts of BV, however, which herpes can mimic or bring on.

Shedding doesn't have any notable symptoms. When I feel like I'm going to have an outbreak, I feel a little flu-like, low in energy, and I itch. But as far as shedding, I have herpes and I have no idea if I'm shedding or not. So most likely, he doesn't know when he's shedding, but he probably can feel an outbreak coming on.

One of my good friends has had herpes for over 20 years, and she has only been married 10 years, so we can do the math...she met her husband after she got infected and they have a child together. They do have unprotected sex (obviously!) and she was able to carry the child and have a normal delivery. Her doctor put her on suppressive medication during her last trimester. She and her husband regularly have sex and he doesn't worry about it because he figures he'll get it sooner or later. So far, he has no symptoms, but he doesn't let it bother him that he probably either has it or will eventually. He loves her and really doesn't care about the herpes.

So, if you can accept that there is a likelihood you will get it, and you love your boyfriend and are not bothered by it, you two can have a loving and long relationship and marriage. You two can protect you the best you can, but there will always be a chance. It's really not such a bad thing because you two plan to be together anyway, so it's not like you have to go through explaining it to someone else! It's all up to you if you feel like you can deal with it. My friend's husband did and they are very happy together.

 
Old 09-04-2011, 07:13 AM   #5
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Re: My boyfriend just confessed he has herpes and we want to get married and have a b

There is always the possibility of you getting the disease but I really am grateful for people who stays open minded on this. My husband is supportive of me and we have learned to do some work arounds when I am having an outbreak. He thinks its just an infrequent skin irritation- nothing more. I always ask him to test himself so that we can see if he contacted it. He assures me that it doesn't really matter to him. And the days we choose not to do the deed makes us long for each other more and in return have a great one when we do it. We have been together for years and we have been blessed with a good young boy already.

 
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