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Old 09-06-2011, 10:45 PM   #1
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Spursfan83 HB User
When to tell?

Hi all, I've been reading the forum for a while and can cope with having HSV 2 - just the mental part of having to tell somebody that does me in!

I contracted HSV 2 from my now ex of 3 years - she said she didn't know she had it and I believe her. So in total I've had it for 3 1/2 years. (OBs once a year - no suppressive therapy).

Anyway, I have avoided being close with girls as I did not want to have 'the talk' - except once and the girl said "I do too" (what a relief that is!).

I recently went to Florence, Italy for a holiday with my terminal father and my uncle, and one night met a wonderful Russian girl who works in a bar over there. She gave me her number and we met up several times during my stay - 4 dates I think. We kissed and cuddled like any new couple and there was no way I would put this lovely girl at risk by pushing for sex. The last time I saw her I thought it would definately be the last time and we would keep in touch now and again.

It's been a month since I've been back in England and we still talk everyday. I said I would visit for a few days in October. Now this girl says she adores me, I don't think I have ever had anyone say that - she's even slipped in I love you in an sms. I think I am falling for her and I really want to go and see her. I know it sounds silly but sometimes romantic things happen right?

The question is how and when do I tell her that I have this irritation? Her English is good but I am unsure if she will understand fully medical words etc.

Do I: Tell her on the phone before I book tickets, time off work etc?
Tell her face-to-face in Florence and risk rejection in a foreign country?
Or the most tempting - don't tell her at all! If I did that I don't think I could live with myself.

Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts, I am going out of my mind. She is incredible and I really don't want to lose her.

 
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Old 09-07-2011, 04:54 AM   #2
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Spursfan83 HB User
Re: When to tell?

Lots of views, no advice

I guess I'll just have to man up and tell her the truth over the phone. I suppose if she truly cares for me then hopefully she will look past my disease. I feel so ashamed and low. Perhaps I'm meant to be alone. Oh well, wish me luck, I will tell her today or tomorrow. I think it's mostly the fear of the unknown. I didn't mean to get close to anyone for this reason.

 
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Alyssa946 (09-10-2011)
Old 09-07-2011, 09:31 AM   #3
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JeanineE HB User
Re: When to tell?

I've tried it a couple of different ways. I've
had the talk very early in the relationship,and while it went ok for me I really think you should wait awhile before bringing it up. Let her get to know you and develop a relationship with you before bringing it up, but always, always let your partner know before having sex. Good Luck!

 
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Spursfan83 (09-07-2011)
Old 09-10-2011, 12:06 PM   #4
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Alyssa946 HB UserAlyssa946 HB UserAlyssa946 HB UserAlyssa946 HB UserAlyssa946 HB User
Re: When to tell?

It's a really hard thing to do but I definitely think it's the right thing. I mean, think about how you would feel if this girl really is as great as you say she is, and then she finds out the hard way down the road that she contracted it from you... that could change everything, and you would have hurt both her and yourself.
This way, you are giving her the chance to make an informed decision... and you know what? there is a possibility she will even tell you the same thing!!! :-D
But even if not, if you two really care for each other you could encourage her to pursue a relationship without sex and decide if she ultimately thinks you are worth the risk, and I bet she will as long as she educates herself and you two do what you can to lower your chances of transmission.
For me and my bf, we don't care who "had it first" in our relationship because we both contend that even if we had known before we both had it that we would still be together and wouldn't have changed a thing because I would rather have herpes and be in love with him and him love me than not be with him and be herpes-free :-)

 
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Spursfan83 (09-10-2011)
Old 09-16-2011, 10:17 AM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
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kris09 HB User
Re: When to tell?

I tell it as soon as I can but not on the first date. I tell them because they'll find out eventually and I don't want them to experience what I have gone through without their consent

 
Old 09-17-2011, 01:58 PM   #6
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texan500 HB User
Re: When to tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spursfan83 View Post
Hi all, I've been reading the forum for a while and can cope with having HSV 2 - just the mental part of having to tell somebody that does me in!

I contracted HSV 2 from my now ex of 3 years - she said she didn't know she had it and I believe her. So in total I've had it for 3 1/2 years. (OBs once a year - no suppressive therapy).

Anyway, I have avoided being close with girls as I did not want to have 'the talk' - except once and the girl said "I do too" (what a relief that is!).

I recently went to Florence, Italy for a holiday with my terminal father and my uncle, and one night met a wonderful Russian girl who works in a bar over there. She gave me her number and we met up several times during my stay - 4 dates I think. We kissed and cuddled like any new couple and there was no way I would put this lovely girl at risk by pushing for sex. The last time I saw her I thought it would definately be the last time and we would keep in touch now and again.

It's been a month since I've been back in England and we still talk everyday. I said I would visit for a few days in October. Now this girl says she adores me, I don't think I have ever had anyone say that - she's even slipped in I love you in an sms. I think I am falling for her and I really want to go and see her. I know it sounds silly but sometimes romantic things happen right?

The question is how and when do I tell her that I have this irritation? Her English is good but I am unsure if she will understand fully medical words etc.

Do I: Tell her on the phone before I book tickets, time off work etc?
Tell her face-to-face in Florence and risk rejection in a foreign country?
Or the most tempting - don't tell her at all! If I did that I don't think I could live with myself.

Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts, I am going out of my mind. She is incredible and I really don't want to lose her.
You sound like a very wonderful compassionate young man so I think the option of "not telling her" is out. Next step is to decide when to tell her. One thing that herpes has given me is the knowledge that I can no longer have the freedom that others have but I can weed out the good from the bad. Think about it ....if this virus we carry around (not terminal and we know how to prevent transmission) is enough for someone to walk the other way then better we know now before life hands us a real problem to deal with! I think you have to risk booking that trip...be yourself, and assure her that you will always be careful to ensure her safety. I suspect that if she cares this much for you that "H" will not stand in your way. Love does prevail!

 
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Spursfan83 (09-17-2011)
Old 09-19-2011, 12:16 PM   #7
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cmtchemist HB User
Re: When to tell?

I am so glad I found this site today! I knew others were going through what I am going through and your comments give me hope. I have dated several women over the years looking for Miss Right and made a point of getting a blood test for transmitables every 6 months or less. My heart sunk when my last GF came to me with the news that she had the HV. We had been together for a while so i got tested again and found I had it also. Neither of us had any desire to place blame...s--t happens. But now I found myself looking at the prospects of finding another partner and I have the same mentality as Spursfan83. My mind also has gone to the place where I should just resolve to be alone but I know I will die long before my time if I do that. I thought maybe there was a site where you could promote oneself anonymously at first with all the particulars but not give out information that might make one a target for anything. Anyway, if I do find someone I do appreciate the comments and advice I have heard here. I wish happiness to all that might be in the same place as me!

 
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Spursfan83 (09-28-2011)
Old 09-27-2011, 09:28 AM   #8
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ohio, US
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Landis880 HB User
Re: When to tell?

I've had hsv-2 for over two years. I am looking for a better way to tell people, too. At my age (31) sex comes a lot quicker than it did when we were younger. I was always told how common herpes was, but so far all of my potential dates in the last 2 years have gone running the other way when I told them I had it.

 
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Spursfan83 (09-28-2011)
Old 09-28-2011, 07:11 AM   #9
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Spursfan83 HB User
Re: When to tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Landis Lee View Post
I've had hsv-2 for over two years. I am looking for a better way to tell people, too. At my age (31) sex comes a lot quicker than it did when we were younger. I was always told how common herpes was, but so far all of my potential dates in the last 2 years have gone running the other way when I told them I had it.
Hi landis, if you don't mind me asking, how many dates have done a runner? And at what stage did you tell them? Date 1,2,3? It seems that females have an easier time in being accepted but that's ony what I've read.

I've talked to my friends about having this and they all say just do it, wear a condom and deny all knowledge! Great guys I know. I don't think I could ever do that but it seems a lot of people do. That's why it spreads so easily. In fact, the girl i told and she had it too wasnt going to tell me! I've still got a month before my trip and a few girls hanging around at home... I just wish I was normal again! Someone will accept me, surely!

Therefore it's either rubber up and hope for the best or have a clean conscience. I know what's the right thing to do.

Goi

 
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Old 09-28-2011, 08:00 PM   #10
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Landis880 HB User
Re: When to tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spursfan83 View Post
Hi landis, if you don't mind me asking, how many dates have done a runner? And at what stage did you tell them? Date 1,2,3? It seems that females have an easier time in being accepted but that's ony what I've read.

I've talked to my friends about having this and they all say just do it, wear a condom and deny all knowledge! Great guys I know. I don't think I could ever do that but it seems a lot of people do. That's why it spreads so easily. In fact, the girl i told and she had it too wasnt going to tell me! I've still got a month before my trip and a few girls hanging around at home... I just wish I was normal again! Someone will accept me, surely!

Therefore it's either rubber up and hope for the best or have a clean conscience. I know what's the right thing to do.

Goi
You're right, it probably is easier for women. On a couple occasions I was the one saying "no" because I didn't think they fully understood what could happen.

I'd say there's been maybe 4 or 5 men over the past 2 years who I've had to tell. Some where the first date, some were the 3rd or 4th. I guess I admit it early because I want that person to know so they don't waste their time. There was only one time I didn't tell and had sex anyway. I had been symptom-free for a long time and I insisted on condoms. Let me tell you .... I was a mess for the next month (he's from out of town and I knew I'd see him again in a month). I was a complete mess. Worrying. Thankfully, when I saw him next he gave me a hug and said "it's good to see you". But, I will not do that again.

 
Old 10-13-2012, 06:53 AM   #11
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Arkansas
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Newest Member HB User
Re: When to tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spursfan83 View Post
Hi all, I've been reading the forum for a while and can cope with having HSV 2 - just the mental part of having to tell somebody that does me in!

I contracted HSV 2 from my now ex of 3 years - she said she didn't know she had it and I believe her. So in total I've had it for 3 1/2 years. (OBs once a year - no suppressive therapy).

Anyway, I have avoided being close with girls as I did not want to have 'the talk' - except once and the girl said "I do too" (what a relief that is!).

I recently went to Florence, Italy for a holiday with my terminal father and my uncle, and one night met a wonderful Russian girl who works in a bar over there. She gave me her number and we met up several times during my stay - 4 dates I think. We kissed and cuddled like any new couple and there was no way I would put this lovely girl at risk by pushing for sex. The last time I saw her I thought it would definately be the last time and we would keep in touch now and again.

It's been a month since I've been back in England and we still talk everyday. I said I would visit for a few days in October. Now this girl says she adores me, I don't think I have ever had anyone say that - she's even slipped in I love you in an sms. I think I am falling for her and I really want to go and see her. I know it sounds silly but sometimes romantic things happen right?

The question is how and when do I tell her that I have this irritation? Her English is good but I am unsure if she will understand fully medical words etc.

Do I: Tell her on the phone before I book tickets, time off work etc?
Tell her face-to-face in Florence and risk rejection in a foreign country?
Or the most tempting - don't tell her at all! If I did that I don't think I could live with myself.

Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts, I am going out of my mind. She is incredible and I really don't want to lose her.
I have the same question. What did you do?

 
Old 10-17-2012, 08:31 AM   #12
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Naturesweetie HB User
Re: When to tell?

If she truly adores you, she will be ok with it. I gave it to my partner because I hadn't been diagnosed and had no idea what was wrong with me. He said he didn't care, it didn't change how he felt, and it hasn't been an issue. We hardly even talk about it except to make fun of ourselves from time to time for having gotten it in the first place.

 
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