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Old 05-18-2012, 06:44 AM   #1
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Telling a potential lover?

Hello everyone, I'm 21 years old and was diagnosed a year ago with HSV1 in the nether regions. My outbreaks have been infrequent to nonexistent, to the point where I almost forgot I have it. I did have sex with someone without telling him, of which I am incredibly ashamed and although I don't think it affected him, I cut off our sexual relationship.

Now I'm dating someone new and have finally become more comfortable with the fact that I have herpes. I know that in order to get into a serious relationship, I have to tell him the truth. He seems interested in me, he is also a bit older than me so I think he is more open to a relationship and not just to fool around. A few of his friends have confirmed this to me.

My problem is, I don't know when to tell him. Obviously, I'm scared of rejection because I finally am comfortable with myself and I feel like if someone rejects me just because of a stupid virus, I'll feel disgusting again. We are about to go on our third date and he has already kissed me briefly. I'm not sure exactly how quickly he hopes to progress our sexual relationship, but thank goodness he does seem like the type who could take it slow. I think now is too soon, but how long is too long??? I don't want him to feel like I hid anything from him, or that I'm a total asexual prude. What's a good amount of time? three months? less, more? I also don't know how much longer I could wait! And how do I go about telling him in a way that is warm, confident, and open to discussion? I'm so nervous!!!

Some sort of advice and/or personal stories would be great!

Last edited by herpderp91; 05-18-2012 at 06:46 AM.

 
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:59 PM   #2
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Re: Telling a potential lover?

Hi,
When it comes to timing that is up to you, but should be before you are intimate of course and not right before the clothes are coming off lol

My opinion though is to tell him when you feel like you are both on the same page in regards to moving forward with the relationship. You can just sit him down and let him know you have something that you would like to talk to him about.

A thing to keep in mind is when you are telling him or any potential partner never make herpes sound like the worst thing in the world because if you do that is how they will see it. You also should have some knowledge just in case he has questions and let him know that is it ok and you understand that he may need some time to think about this.

You being upfront and honest does take a lot of courage and many times that will earn and should earn a lot of respect as it is not the easiest thing to do. In the end though if someone does turn you away, hey! they weren't mean for you and someone else is out there for you. You shouldn't let it get you down or make you feel dirty, just keep your head up and move forward. Another point is many people are accepting of this virus. If you have a chance at the top of the board there is a thread called "happy couples" you should check it out, it has a lot of inspiring stories on couples where one has herpes and one doesn't.
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Old 05-19-2012, 04:58 PM   #3
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Re: Telling a potential lover?

I have genital HSV 1 too. I got it three years ago from my boyfriend who is still with me. We've started an open relationship and I was always so afraid of telling people that I had it... and I could never find info on HOW to say it to them. So I just practiced on my own... and guess what? 90% of the people I told were not concerned. But some guys will be immature and freak out. But then they are probably not worth your time haha. I really think it's how you word things. I usually say... "I am clean other than one incident... a
partner had a cold sore and went down on me and I had an issue. Most dont think its a big deal. If you rather not continue with us, I understand." That usually gets the best response for me. I think most people don't realize that cold sores are hsv1... so when you say herpes they think of something bad. Also by saying I understand if you don't want to continue... they usually are like "no no, don't worry.". I've just been so surprised because I thought NO ONE would ever say it's okay. I always tell them I can answer questions too. I hope this helps you out. It takes balls to tell someone but when they are cool about it you feel so relieved.

 
Old 07-30-2012, 06:31 PM   #4
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drbmc226 HB User
Re: Telling a potential lover?

Don't they ask if you've been tested? This sounds like a good way to put it... but I feel like they would ask questions after you said this.

 
Old 09-16-2012, 10:12 PM   #5
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Sonatina HB User
Re: Telling a potential lover?

Quote:
Originally Posted by herpderp91 View Post
Hello everyone, I'm 21 years old and was diagnosed a year ago with HSV1 in the nether regions. My outbreaks have been infrequent to nonexistent, to the point where I almost forgot I have it. I did have sex with someone without telling him, of which I am incredibly ashamed and although I don't think it affected him, I cut off our sexual relationship.

Now I'm dating someone new and have finally become more comfortable with the fact that I have herpes. I know that in order to get into a serious relationship, I have to tell him the truth. He seems interested in me, he is also a bit older than me so I think he is more open to a relationship and not just to fool around. A few of his friends have confirmed this to me.

My problem is, I don't know when to tell him. Obviously, I'm scared of rejection because I finally am comfortable with myself and I feel like if someone rejects me just because of a stupid virus, I'll feel disgusting again. We are about to go on our third date and he has already kissed me briefly. I'm not sure exactly how quickly he hopes to progress our sexual relationship, but thank goodness he does seem like the type who could take it slow. I think now is too soon, but how long is too long??? I don't want him to feel like I hid anything from him, or that I'm a total asexual prude. What's a good amount of time? three months? less, more? I also don't know how much longer I could wait! And how do I go about telling him in a way that is warm, confident, and open to discussion? I'm so nervous!!!

Some sort of advice and/or personal stories would be great!
Hello, there, I am in the same situation with a potential lover. Like you, he is going very slowly which gives us time to develop some trust. I wonder what your research has told you so far. I follow a plant based diet, which I understand is great for supressing the virus. I wondered if I could transmit anything just by kissing him, as I have only had outbreaks on the buttocks and not around my mouth. I wonder if I have been diagnosed with genital herpes if that means I also have oral herpes. I am making a doctor's appt tomorrow to discuss these issues... I am so frustrated. Sonatina

 
Old 02-22-2013, 02:53 PM   #6
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Bionka1 HB User
Re: Telling a potential lover?

I was diagnosed this past week with HSV2 and worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend shortly after the diagnosis. We have been together several months and as of December he moved for business so I had to tell him via Skype. I was so nervous and anxious. He was very calm and asked me a few questions at which I answered the best I could. I am still trying to understand this disease and doing as much reading and research as possible. He said that he needed time to think things through and do his own studies on the matter. Everything that I have read thus far says that by taking Valtrex and practicing safe sex you can continue to live a happy, 'normal' couple-hood. I am worried that he is going to say that he doesn't want to risk it. I suppose if it goes that route then he's not the one for me. My concern is having to tell any future partner about this HSV2 and how to approach such an embarrassing topic. There's such a 'dirty' stigma surrounding herpes, I hope that will one day change.

In regards to the prior post, I have been taking a B12 complex vitamin for over a month and it has helped clear things up. I have another appointment set for a Valtrex prescription. I'm not sure if I will take the daily dose or just when I feel an OB coming on. This is still very new to me.

Last edited by Bionka1; 02-22-2013 at 02:59 PM.

 
Old 02-25-2013, 04:26 AM   #7
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ycteach HB User
Re: Telling a potential lover?

Uh? . . . it is your responsibility to tell the person you are going to have sex with. If I found out after the fact that someone knowingly had an std and didn't tell me, I would have them prosecuted.

I cant believe people actually feel like they have a right to not reveal this information

 
Old 02-25-2013, 11:01 AM   #8
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Re: Telling a potential lover?

I believe that I am morally obligated to tell any future sexual partner of this virus. I have read that some people choose not to disclose this information and continue to have casual, protected sex when they're not having an OB which may be perfectly fine but I'm not sure if I could that. If I found out down the road that I gave it to someone else while I knowingly had the virus, I would feel pretty damn guilty. I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it. It has only been over a week since my diagnosis so I'm still new to this.

 
Old 02-25-2013, 11:04 AM   #9
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Bionka1 HB User
Re: Telling a potential lover?

But for the record, I plan on telling all my future sexual partners about my virus.

 
Old 03-07-2013, 02:28 PM   #10
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river55 HB User
Re: Telling a potential lover?

That's for the best... sadly, my partner did not feel that obligation!


He did give me one thing useful.. I tried about a dozen "treatments" both natural and synthetic. Nothing really helped until he told me about something called viradux-au.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-08-2013 at 12:44 AM.

 
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