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Old 09-06-2012, 10:21 PM   #1
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Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

My name's Russ, I'm 19 as of September 9th and my blood tests yesterday confirmed I have genital and oral herpes. I had to verify this by calling my doctor because I didn't understand what the paper I was given said. At first, I didn't know how to handle the news so I basically wanted to cower under a table and hide because of the guilt and embarrassment, but then I went online to re-educate myself on what it as exactly, how to cope with it and how to perceive such news. At the end of the day (tonight), I'm not really down about it because it doesn't seem to be such a big deal as I thought it would be.

About 1-2 years ago I had sex with a lot of girls (not proud of it) and didn't know I was positive for it because the only blood tests I had my doctor run were HIV, syphilis, and chlamydia/gonorrhea. I always came up negative (except one time for chlamydia, but i had it taken care of), but a week ago I decided to get tested for everything and found out I have herpes.

My girlfriend and I have been having unprotected sex for 5-6 months (because I am allergic to latex [spare me the lecture please]), and I told her immediately after I found out. She didn't take the news too well and I don't know how to calm her down. I'm pretty sure she's angry, confused and upset with me. And even though I understand how she feels, I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I've sent her many links to informative websites about it and websites about how it really isn't the end of the world.

(She knew I had many partners before) Of course her concern is that I might have given it to her, and I'm pretty afraid that she'll leave me because of it, but I don't want it to be about me at this point. I love her dearly and don't want to see her suffer through her own thoughts about it. If she was to leave me because of it, I'd rather have her leave me knowing that it isn't as bad as it seems.

I know some people don't know how to cope with something like this, but I was hoping someone could write something descriptive about it. She's only seeing everything in an extremely negative way and I feel so terrible that I can't do or say anything to her to make her feel better about it. I was hoping someone here could say something that would clear things up for her explaining it isn't the end of the world.
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Old 09-06-2012, 10:54 PM   #2
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

Hello Russ,

I hope I can help...I actually had a very similar thing happen to me almost 30 years ago now, and we got through it just fine.

Have you had any noticeable outbreaks? Since herpes is only spread when active, you can have herpes and not spread it to your partner if you are careful and responsible. Many people even have a sensation prior to the breakout, so they know it is coming. Some folks have very few and far between outbreaks, making managing it very simple.

In my case, I was getting married and my fiance found out he had herpes from a previous relationship. Although he had been carrying it, his first outbreak was over a year after their relationship ended. While at first I was very concerned, I immediately went out to find out everything I could about it, just like you did. Back then, we had no where the amount of information available, but I learned everything I could. The good news is, that I never contracted it myself. It became a non issue for us, and never interfered with our life.

Like anything, it all comes down the having the right attitude. If your relationship is strong and your communication is open and positive, this should not be enough to ruin it. There are a lot more issues in our lives that have more impact than herpes. Encourage your girlfriend to let her feelings out about this, as for some it is a very big deal. She is likely shocked and a bit disappointed, but with understanding on your part, and education on her part, I hope the best for both of you.

Knowledge is power...,my best to you

 
Old 09-07-2012, 06:43 AM   #3
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

I've had a blister or something on my shaft at least once or twice every year, but the doctor told me that it was completely normal for a man to have it. I don't recall having sex at the time tough.

 
Old 09-07-2012, 11:27 AM   #4
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
Hello Russ,

I hope I can help...I actually had a very similar thing happen to me almost 30 years ago now, and we got through it just fine.


In my case, I was getting married and my fiance found out he had herpes from a previous relationship. Although he had been carrying it, his first outbreak was over a year after their relationship ended. While at first I was very concerned, I immediately went out to find out everything I could about it, just like you did. Back then, we had no where the amount of information available, but I learned everything I could. The good news is, that I never contracted it myself. It became a non issue for us, and never interfered with our life.

Knowledge is power...,my best to you

I am going through something of this nature as we speak. I am very upset and I took my first blood test on the 27th of Aug and it was Neg. My fear is that I took the test too soon so now I am waiting for more time to pass to be tested again. It seems like the blood test are not defining and it all Just seem so very hard and tedious to go through. I was reading that You never contracted it from your husband. I am hoping upon hope for similar results. I was wondering were the two of you (You and your husband) Having unprotected sex? I guess I just wanted to know if I have any hope. I know everyone's situation is different and All outcomes or your owns. I guess I was just looking for a glimmer of hope. Keeping my fingers crossed.

 
Old 09-07-2012, 01:04 PM   #5
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

Hey there,
First I just want to clear a little something up that the virus CAN be passed even when there are no active sores or symptoms. Ok now that, that is out of the way.

This virus is by far the least of my worries anyway, it really in the grand scheme of things is just a pesky skin condition. The bad thing is that it has this stigma attached to it because some people are ignorant and others just are not knowledgeable about it.

This virus will not stop me as a woman from having kids, having a relationship, having a job it really doesn't stop anything. The only thing is with having kids I will have to be on medication towards the end to try and prevent an outbreak other then that there are no set backs.

Maybe you can let her know about this site or browse it with her. There is a thread at the top that is called happy couples and that is just many people speaking about being in relationships after herpes even if one person does not have it.

All in all, if she is not comfortable with it or knowing she may get it, it would be best to let her go.

If you have anymore questions, this is the place to be
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:54 PM   #6
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

This isn't specifically relevant to your issue but I'd like to suggest that you mention this to your doctor. I'm rather amazed that you were tested for the others, but not herpes. I'm not saying it should be standard, but if you were being tested for other STD's, came back positive with one, and were open with the doctor about being sexually active, told the doctor you'd had blisters/something, why didn't the doctor at least suggest a screen for herpes? You might be able to help someone in the future by sharing your story with the doctor and suggesting the going forward he/she suggest a herpes screen be put in place with higher risk patients.

Now, regarding your girlfriend: time. Give her some time. She needs to come to terms with this in her own mind, mainly the trust that you did not know you had herpes. I have to say that if I loved someone who had "lots" of unprotected sex, blister or something like them on their penis they mentioned to their doctor but didn't get tested and said they didn't know, I would not be happy. But understand that this is the emotional knee jerk reaction. After I had time to balance that against your overall nature, your overall relationship and all of the other things that comprise your relationship, I think I'd mellow. But it wouldn't happen in an hour. I'd advise you give her time. Your coming to terms with things in a day is exceptional. Don't expect her to move at the same pace. But don't be surprised that if you give her some time, she will gain a different understanding.

 
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:38 PM   #7
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

Well the thing is is that I've had the random blisters when I started to really go through puberty (14-15, late bloomer) and it was because of that the doctor didn't see it as a serious thing. But it was also around the time when I first became sexually active. He saw it as a coincidence. And ever since I was first sexually active, I was getting tests done at least once every 4 months. The time that I came up positive for chlamydia was when I went into the hospital because I actually had a symptom of it. After that, I had the regular routine of tests. I figured the doctor would know better than me if I had an STD so I never really questioned it. I was always open with him about what was going on in my life and such.

As for my girlfriend, you are right. I can understand her being either mad or upset or confused. I'm giving her the time that she really does need. We were talking and i started to get a little frustrated because I couldn't understand how she was feeling. I was wrong and now I'm giving her space. I didn't make the situation any easier so I apologized and now I'm going to wait. I thank you for the advice, honestly without it I don't know what I would have done.

 
Old 09-15-2012, 09:46 AM   #8
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

Okay I have to say that 80% of the population are carrying the HSV1 virus (oral herpes) and don't know that it can be spread via oral to genital.

A lot of doctors don't mention that you have to ASK for a blood test to be tested for herpes so you have a lot of folks walking around thinking they've been tested and telling their partners they have nothing when they don't know. That's why a lot of folks are shocked when they find out they have it thinking someone cheated on them when in fact, they could have had it prior to the relationship.

You can become infected with the virus and never have any major OB or symptoms that triggers you to get it checked out for years. That's why its important for doctors to mention that they have to ask for the HSV test when your asking to be tested for a random STD check.

Yes HSV can be spread when it's asymptomatic (no symptoms) because of the shedding but your not always shedding the virus. Your at a higher risk of passing it on when you have an OB while having sex w/ your S/O.

I would suggest your girlfriend gets tested for the virus and find out which type she has as well. She may not have the virus.

From a positive female to a negative male it's...
4% per year a risk of passing on the virus if you a void sex while having an OB.
2% w/ meds or using a condom only.
1% w/ both a condom and on antiviral meds.

From a positive Male to a negative Female it's...
8% per year a risk of passing on the virus if you a void sex while having an OB
4% per hear using either antiviral Meds or a condom
2% per year if your using BOTH a condom and antiviral meds.

Give her the stats and tell her to educated herself as much as she can about the virus. Trust me, the stigma is far more worst then the virus itself.

The key is to Educate yourself and stop the ignorance and stigma of the virus itself.

And I also want to add that if she can't handle the fact that you have the virus then it's probably best to let her go so you can also have peace of mind.

1 in 5 men have the HSV1/2 virus and 1 in 4 woman.
So if she wishes to live a free HSV1/2 life then I suggest she makes sure each partner she wishes to have a relationship with gets tested prior to her having sex and then in a couple of months to be on the safe side be tested again to see if the antibiotic shows up. Easier said then done

Last edited by cocoeyes; 09-15-2012 at 09:58 AM.

 
Old 09-16-2012, 01:53 PM   #9
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Re: Girlfriend Didn't Respond Too Well to the News

You can shed the virus without having symptoms, but being on medication can lessen the risk of your partner getting it, as well as ... no latex condoms, which are what I've had to use due to latex allergies as well.

I would imagine it's hard news for anyone to take, and hopefully once you guys talk and get through it, she will be fine with it.

 
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