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Old 10-05-2012, 01:01 PM   #1
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Hsv 1 genitally

I was recently (within the last year) diagnosed with hsv1 genitally from an ex/gf who failed to disclose to me she had it. I never want to be that person who doesn't disclose before sex. As I want the person to be able to get the proper info. and decide if the risk is worth it for them.
Here is my dilema. I recently met a nice girl who I like a lot. We have been talking through email and real life for a few months now. Recently we have decided to be exclusive (have not had sex yet, only have made out). My question is have I waited to long to disclose? I had no intentions on waiting so long to tell but she lives in another city so we don't get to see each other too often and the times she's come to visit just didn't seem right and I felt that I wanted to tell in person not through email or text. Has anyone had this experience before where they waited until after dating someone exclusively to tell? if so, what happened. I feel so nervous about this that I almost want to break it off using another excuse but feel she deserves to know the truth. Also, I've never disclosed to someone before? Any advice on that?

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Old 10-05-2012, 11:28 PM   #2
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Re: Hsv 1 genitally

There's never really a perfect moment to tell someone you have herpes. Maybe after a one or two drinks to calm your nerves a little bit. But at some point you just have to blurt it out. You are right to want to do it in person. The best thing you can do is to just be completely honest and explain yourself. Tell her how you wanted to tell her earlier but were afraid, and how you really like her and hope this doesn't change anything, but if it does you understand. That you knew you had to tell her before you got intimate so she would have a chance to figure out what was best for her. If she's the right person for you, she'll be able to see past it.

Don't just break up with her because you are too afraid to disclose - that's cowardly and unfair. For all you know she's totally okay with it. It's a chance worth taking.

Good luck!

 
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Old 10-06-2012, 02:22 PM   #3
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Re: Hsv 1 genitally

I understand your predicament completely. First of all, a lot of people have herpes although many don't know it's what they have. Most of those people will never tell anyone they have it and just hope they don't spread it. Sad state of affairs, but it might not be all their fault. My own doctor told me I didn't need to tell anyone and to just abstain when having an episode. I was diagnosed in 1977; caught from a guy I had dated exclusively for several months. I was so shocked and hurt that he didn't tell me, but I was determined that he couldn't have known! Well, I explained it to him, he denied it, said it came from me (it had not) and dumped me right then and there. Later I learned that he told mutual acquaintances that I had herpes and was trying to blame him. Hard lesson learned. Much later, I discovered that he was a serial infector and had given herpes to several women I knew.

It's been a little longer than optimal for you to come clean and tell your lady friend the truth but I applaud you with all my heart for doing the right thing. After a date, take her to a quiet spot, maybe your home, but not hers. Sit her down and tell her your honest feelings for her and your hopes for the relationship. Tell her you have to confide a personal issue to her. Tell her your former girlfriend gave you herpes. Let her know how you got it so she can hopefully see that you were exclusive with the girl, but the girl may not have been.

Give her a few minutes to ask any questions she needs to ask, and to comment however she needs to comment. Don't ask her to tell you what she thinks about your relationship. She needs time to process this information. Give her some time, a day or two. Then call her and ask to see her as you normally would.

You should have your answer then, one way or the other, without causing a big scene about it or making her feel pressured. If she opts out, don't be mad at her.

If she does opt out, perhaps you could consider a personal ad - very confidential - disclosing that you have herpes and would like to find that special one who can live with the situation. I did that and have been very happy in an exclusive relationship now for nearly 15 years.

It may take you some time to get it down right, but plan to always be honest about it. And don't feel bad about yourself at all. Again, many many people have it, so chances are you know several others with it who just don't talk about it.

It isn't the end of the world, I promise.
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Last edited by Lollypat; 10-06-2012 at 02:29 PM.

 
Old 10-06-2012, 06:38 PM   #4
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Re: Hsv 1 genitally

Its really not that big of a deal. That vast majority of the population will test positive for at least one of HSV I or HSV II. Also, the CDC believes that a lot of people have genital herpes but do not know it. For these reasons, I don't entirely agree with other responses on this board. Yes, I think you should definitely tell her, but I don't think you should make such a big event out of it. Its nothing to be ashamed of. The bigger the deal you make out of telling her, the greater the chances are that she will react as if you are telling her you have some horrible disease that will make her grow a horn from her forehead. Chill out.

I was incorrectly diagnosed with genital herpes two years ago. I have since found out that what I had was a fungal infection (and to which I am becoming more and more prone to having). I've had several blood tests for herpes recently, they all come back negative.

When I thought I did have herpes, I educated myself about it, and realized that it is just not that big of a deal. Now that I know I don't have it, my attitude has not changed. I don't know how old you are, but I recall in the mid 1980's when information about genital herpes started to become widely known, the media discussed it as though it was some horrible disease, reserved only for the damned and the democrats. Its not so.

To answer your question directly: it makes no difference how long you have known here. It is what it is. If you're going to have sex with her, not telling her in advance is immoral. There is no such thing as a safe time for sex either. You can infect another even when you have no apparent outbreak. The fact that you are asking the question means you are a person with decent morals. Just tell her, but try to pretend like you are telling her that your big toe is deformed or something like that. How difficult would that be?

As people become better educated about it, I think there will be less and less prejudice. Its not leprosy. Relax. Good luck.

 
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