Please read and tell me your thoughts...
Something i prayed would never happen, actually happened today. Whilst i can't exactly talk about it (easily) to friends, i decided to write my experience as some kind of therapy, or way of getting it off my chest.
I never knew i had HSV2... I never had any symptoms... I never worried about it. The word "Herpes" was just something that happened to other people. My sex life was promiscuous, sometimes unprotected... I had regular check ups and was always given the all clear.
It all changed when i met my girlfriend. After a few months of great sex, she became ill. It started with fever and then she had an outbreak. She was tested and came back as positive for having a recent infection, but was not chronic. Obviously i was terrified... I also had the test and it turns out i was chronic and i may have had HSV2 for months... Even years without knowing.
The grief and pain this caused to my girlfriend was unimaginable. I was never really concerned for myself, i was distraught from the pain and suffering i had caused to someone i love so deeply. I can honestly say it was the worst 6 weeks of my life. She suffered REALLY badly... In and out of hospital with severe abdominal pains for weeks.
We love each other... It wasn't easy, but we worked things out.
She has had maybe 3 outbreaks since this began.
This was all about 4 months ago....
My girlfriend went for a retest last week and has come back at totally negative for ANY kind of HSV virus. Usually after a few months the virus naturally evolves to be chronic (like what i have), which also means PERMANENT. Both of her tests were negative. She has seen multiple doctors and they have all said the same thing. None of them can explain it, but they all agree.
I have mixed emotions... On one hand, i am happy for her... She went through a lot of pain, she was scared... And if the diagnosis is correct, she now has a blank slate...
However, as you can imagine... This has put the kiss of death on our relationship. I am still positive for HSV2. I would not want to risk the woman i love, the woman i want to marry and have a life with by possibly re-infecting her. Her gynaecologist basically said that she should NOT have unprotected sex with me. Ever.
I got off the phone with her this morning. We are at a hard place at the moment. We both love each other deeply... She's relieved for her recovery but obviously doesn't know what to do about 'us' now. I am totally destroyed. I felt such pain knowing that i had given her this illness... The guilt and things i suffered were horrid. Now, i'm facing WORSE pain, because it's likely that I'm going to lose the girl i love deeply... I have even got to the point of having enough money for a engagement ring - within a few hours my relationship and life is just in ruin.
Really i don't know what to do... Part of me just wants to set her free and tell her to move on. She can have a future with someone without this illness.
But the thought of losing her is more than i could bare. The idea of it all just causes me the deepest, darkest grief you can imagine.
I would take strength from anyone who has been in a similar position, on just comments of advice.