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Old 12-03-2012, 09:53 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: chicago
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Theodore1937 HB User
The one thing worse than having HIV are the constant reminders...

that I did this to myself... Maybe I did, I don't know. I obviously knew the risks I was taking, I am not a youngster (36 years old, been poz for five years), but I guess I am just an overly sensitive person who can only hear such hateful remarks for so long before I snap...

or....

maybe they are right? And I am responsible for everything that happens to me. I believe that the guy who infected me was not truthful about his status. I am not being paranoid, either. I almost could tell by the look in his eyes. Scary. But if I am expected to hold myself responsible for my status, then so is every other adult person living on the planet, and right now, I am filled with so much resentment and bitterness and a sense of helplessness that I feel the only way I can be heard is to go out and infect other people so I can say "LOOK, YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Everytime I hear "you did it to yourself, now you have to own up", it pushes me further and further and FURTHER to do something irrevocable.

Then, I hear from the "other" group that we are responsible for each potential and that it is a legal and moral obligation to disclose your status and that it is something we must do. Well, first easier said than done. Being rejected (it hasn't happene a whole lot, but I have not been very sexually active these past few years) does hurt some, but at least they were (mostly) very kind and sensitive about it.

So, which one of you is telling me the truth and which one of you is lying to me. And I've read a lot of books on forgiveness, and when I feel like I am in a safe place (haven't really felt that since last August when I was in Chicago for my best friend's funeral. I swear if I knew "Wes" was going to be there waiting for me, I'd just soon as die tomorrow.), then forgiveness is put on the back burner, because you're with your people and they understand you and value who you are implicitly NOTHING ELSE MATTERS because you have love and friendhsip and support.

Being gay is hard enough, but when you are ostracized by other members of the club, then reasons for sticking around drop right out from under you. Dan Savage is a perfect example of somebody I would not get along with, for these and other reasons. A smug you-know-what.

I can hardly believe I am typing these words, as I do not truly wish to infect somebody who did nothing to me. I am a meek person! I have always been a kind, gentle person. And living with the guilt that I did this to someone I can't even fathom. But I also can no longer deal with the double standards anymore and the hate and the guilt. I live in a small town in the midwest and I have no outlets and I am feeling it to the point of being buried alive. And what really scares me is I don't see any way out, and some extremely reckless/anger-filled behavior is sure to follow. I need some vindication, I need gay people in my life (maybe other poz people, perhaps a mentor who can be both kind and firm) and I need somebody to BE NICE TO ME!

Regradless of how my words might make you feel, please don't say anything harsh or judgmental to me at this moment, because it will only serve to sever my ties to people, a shaky hold to say the least, and may just be the straw that broke the camel's back. But if you know any resources (I don't actually live in Chicago, but live a couple hours away) or just would be willing to strike an online friendship, that would be a good start! What I really think I need is a gay man who is more experienced in these matters and has achieved peace of mind and will treat me with empathy, as I have always tried to get those empathic juices going when I thought would benefit.

I will get my bio planted in the next day or two, but right now I am just feeling very hopeless and like I really don't care all that much anymore. And if a person doesn't care about themselves, then they are not likely to care what happens to them or to others. Not really.

Last edited by Theodore1937; 12-03-2012 at 10:33 PM.

 
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TNvolKelly (02-01-2013)
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Old 12-24-2012, 08:00 PM   #2
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redorange HB User
Re: The one thing worse than having HIV are the constant reminders...

Hi, I am sorry for what you are going through. I my self am going through problems involving hiv. I fear i have it.

Last edited by moderator2; 12-24-2012 at 08:07 PM.

 
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:05 PM   #3
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Location: new jersey
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smiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB Usersmiteler HB User
Re: The one thing worse than having HIV are the constant reminders...

hey Theodore
i just saw your thread here.
i can identify with alot of what you are saying.
it is very hard on you mentally when you have HIV.
i got infected 15 yrs ago i'm pretty sure on purpose by a ex gf.
it is still hard for me to forgive myself for letting it happen.

i'm pretty sure i will live out the rest of my life alone.
i hope i'm wrong, but
thats how it seems to be playing out for me,one thing after another.
i'm the kind of guy who a girl would pay more attention to the tool rack at sears then me.i have to try too hard to begin with,
add on my bad luck with losing my job/being under employed right now and having HIV
and heck i would run away fast from myself if i could.

i go thru days i don't care about myself much also.

the only salvation i have, is that i have a hobby that i love to do that consumes alot of my free time,i'm talking thousands of hours..
alot of time, that i spend not thinking a single second about HIV
i'm getting closer to a inner peace,i'm not there yet.
i hope to find it some day,i still need to learn how to forgive myself,
i don't know if i ever will.


i hope you find something that you enjoy that will help
you escape for a while even if its only for a few hours.
that is what i find thats helps me the most.
i hope things get better for you
good luck

 
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:05 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Saskatchewan Canada
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mscaramelle HB User
Re: The one thing worse than having HIV are the constant reminders...

Well I came on the boards today to find a thread about weight loss support, but found myself drawn here which quite surprises me since I don't give much thought to HIV and that's after living with it for 8 years now, so I do feel justified for being able to weigh in with my opinion and hopefully lend my support.

In general, I recommend to anyone on this thread who is scared, uncertain, angry, depressed, etc., to look at your words and see just how badly you are beating yourself up. Please be kind to yourself and especially, do not harbor guilt. Someone doing this to you is not your fault. And your 7 trillion cells are awaiting your next instructions so ask yourself what you are telling them.

Perhaps I feel differently b/c the person who infected me, and had been living with me, was leading a double life of sorts in that he not only infected me, but 3 other women unbenounced to me. As much as I didn't want to cause a ruckus, I WAS very MAD....and there was a nation-wide hunt for this 'person' and he has been in prison for over 5 years now. If you are thinking of taking this out on anyone with bad behaviour that does not serve you, please think twice b/c it's simply not worth it. And please don't let this virus define who you are. If you had cancer, would you be this hard on yourself? I would hope you would be the exact opposite and take the best care of yourself possible.

I have never accepted any dire prognosis from this and never will, that is just the reality I chose to live with b/c I know the opposite would have eaten me alive.

Forgiveness will go very far in improving your health. Senior Veteran, I hope you find that inner peace....so great to read that you have found something you love doing enough to pour yourself into. And Theodore ....stay true to who you really are. Forgiveness is about you, not the perpetrator, allowing you to be able to move on as much as you are able to.

If you ever need someone to to talk to, vent to, I would be more than happy to lend an ear and just be here. I mean that.

Take Care
MsC

Last edited by mod85; 05-26-2014 at 10:17 AM. Reason: errors

 
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:04 AM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Tallahassee,Florida USA
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TNvolKelly HB User
Re: The one thing worse than having HIV are the constant reminders...

I just read your post. There are still caring people out there. And I hope, and I do believe you will cross paths with them. I just read your post and I just wanted to let you know I care and I wish you luck!



Kelly from Florida

Last edited by TNvolKelly; 02-01-2013 at 12:07 AM.

 
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Old 04-03-2014, 06:13 AM   #6
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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MangoFandango HB User
Re: The one thing worse than having HIV are the constant reminders...

Theodore, I can understand completely what you're feeling towards the man who infected you. I can also relate to your lashing out at others, even though you never would. I, too, had those same feelings when I was diagnosed in Jan, 2010. I felt betrayed, hurt, angry, let down, worthless and hopeless. I no longer feel that way, however. I wouldn't have lasted long in that condition, I'm afraid.

It took me a while to realize that the man who infected me didn't even care that I was mad at him. He had no idea. Do you think he was sitting around thinking about me and focusing on my health? Not a chance. So then why would I give him even a second of my mental time? He doesn't deserve it! I had to forgive, get my footing, and move on. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's definitely not too hard if you put your mind to it. For me, the first thing to do was get on meds. With my health under control, it was time to meet some new people. People who knew my status and accepted me for me. And now, 4 years later, I'm doing the same thing, and only those who accept me are the ones surrounding me. Life is too short to spend hating and hiding in fear.

 
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