grumpygirl

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. I've been married for a little over a year and have a wonderful and terrific husband. He is truly a wonderful partner and I can't say enough great things about except: we don't have sex. We've never even consumated our marriage. We've had this problem even before we were married but felt that because we had such a good friendship and understanding of one another we can work through it. Turns out I don't think we can. We've been together for over 5 years and don't have any children (lack of sex) but everytime I think about leaving I just can't picture life without him. Here's the problem: in the last 5 years i've had more affairs than I can count and each and everytime I torture myself. I'm very careful with the men that i'm with by always using protection and i'm well aware of the high and low risks. I never put myself in any real risk by always using protection and making sure the condom stays on correctly yet right after I feel that i might have contracted HIV. My husband knows I have affairs and I think in the back of his mind he is reliefed that I'm having sex with someone else. This has been going on for more than 3 years. Everytime I sleep with someone I run out and get an HIV test 3 months later and for those 3 I'm driving myself crazy thinking i've contracted something yet knowing I was safe and careful. I don't know what to do. I'm very depressed, confused and angry with myself. It feels like each time I get another negative HIV test i feel like i've been given another chance and that makes it all okay. I know I need to talk to someone about this and i have tried but it just didn't work. Any words of wisdom?