Im really worried, can anyone help? - HIV Prevention Message Board

brainchild · 09-10-2005, 05:23 PM

Hi, I did something really stupid last nite, i went on a night out with a big group of people from my old work. Anyway i ended up going home with a lad that I used to be good friends with, but only really saw him in the holidays when we were both home from uni. In the past we have kissed each other n stuff a few times and we did like each other but I also knew I probably wouldnt be able to trust him and I think he has slept around a bit before he met his girlfriend about 1 1/2 ago.
Anyway i hadnt seen him for ages and i was so so drunk and we ended up kissing and then ended up going back to my house.
Basically we had sex, and at first he went to put it in without a condom on and i was like no go and put one on, so he did but somehow it managed to come off inside. I do not know for sure because i was so drunk but he insisted that he realised right away and thats why he pulled out and it was in there without it on for about 5 seconds at the most. He didnt come either but im assuming there would have been pre-*** or something, then he put on a new one and we carried on, this one stayed on fine i think, maybe rolled up a little and he pulled it back down again, but when he pulled out the condom stayed inside me but with the end quite far out. (sorry this is so gross!) So then i started worrying what if it had come ages ago and he had carried on doing stuff with the condom just hanging out of me?! i dont know if that would be possible or if it would of fallen out or be pushed further inside.
So i am REALLY worried about that encounter and the fact that he was inside me with no protection on for a few seconds and the condom was stuck inside me too, that has never happened to me b4 ever, i am also worried cos i had shaved 'down there' about 7 hours earlier before i went out and so i am worrying that there could of been any small cuts or anything although i did look before and couldnt see anything.
I have never regretted anything so much and feel totally disgusted with myself as i NEVER do things like that and i am totally against it, which is why in the past things never got that far!! and then to make things even worse i found out 2day he is still with his gf!! I just cant believe how bad it all is!!
I am just regretting and regretting soo much! I dont know what to do, i am worried about pregnancy and i am worrying about hiv as well cos i have always stressed over it (i have ocd as well)
it is the first time i have ever ever had a one night stand and i would never ever do it again and i feel so angry with myself for going against everything i have ever said

CARAT414 · 09-10-2005, 06:23 PM

Laura, first breath!!!!!

Since you have OCD (so do I) call your doctors office tomorrow and set up an appointment to be tested for pregnancy and all STDs. Until you actually have test results in your hands DO NOT search the internet to see what the symptoms of HIV or any other STD are. OCDer's have the wonderful ability to manafest their thoughts into the physical symptoms that they have imagined far faster and to a greater extent then most. And nothing anyone here tells you is going to be able to put your fears to rest.

Also, stop beating yourself up, yes it was a reckless thing to do, but its over and hopefully you will learn from this and maybe stop one drink earlier next time. NOTHING is worth the stress or the risk you take when you dont protect yourself.

uk_worried_guy · 09-11-2005, 02:28 AM

Agreed, do NOT go symptom-checking, the BEST people to advise you are your health providers who can assess you properly. From what you said, your risk is VERY low, but as an OCD'er - me saying that, isn't going to help you. Ive got pretty severe health anxiety myself, and i know from experience, that only conclusive tests put my mind at ease, regardless of what people tell me.

brainchild · 09-11-2005, 03:07 AM

Hi guys, thanks for your response, I think I am going to go to the walk in centre today and get the morning after pill to reassure me about pregnancy and speak to them about my hiv and std worries, if only the condom had been on the whole time then there would be no need for this horrible worrying.
But hiv doesnt show up for three months does it? That is an indredibly long time to wait for someone who will just stress and obsess over something. And now of course as the worry has manifested itself im now thinking along the (typical ocd) lines of what if i have hiv and have passed it on to him and then he passes it on to his gf and anyone else he sleeps with etc i cant stand it, and getting disease and passing on disease have always been a MAJOR part of my ocd, even waiting a few days for test results would drive me crazy!! I wish you coul;d find out in a text right away and have it over and done with.
I regret the whole thing so so much, i have never done anything like that before ever, i had only slept with 3 people all in long term relationships and always protected because i have always been so paranoid!! all i have done since is think if only this if only that but thats not gonna change anything is it :'(
i have never really been one to go looking into symptoms though, usually i look more into risk factors and convince myself how it all seems to fit in that it is going to happen to me and it is some form of punishment, i always tend to go down that route of thinking ands it gets me really depressed!! i am feeling really bad about the fact that he had a gf and the fact that i have totally let myself down when i have always had such high morals about things but this on top of it all worrying about pregnancy and disease is just too much.
im gonna go and get ready now and see what they can do for me at the walk in centre, hope it goes okay and there is noone else in the waiting room cos reception always ask you what your going for and to sit in front of a room of people and say i want the morning after pill and i wanna talk about std's.. how huimilliating is that?! i still cant believe this has happened i feel so cheap and dirty :'(

uk_worried_guy · 09-11-2005, 05:29 AM

"i still cant believe this has happened i feel so cheap and dirty :'("
"the fact that i have totally let myself down when i have always had such high morals about things"

PLEASE dont think like that - these things *do* happen - you shouldn't fill yourself with guilt & things because of it..... It sounds like you took precautions, you dont even know the HIV status of the guy, and remember, there are MANY factors which need to be in-place for the virus to transmit.

We're all human at the end of the day, we make mistakes, our mistakes make us worry - and for those of us with health anxiety, ocd & the like, our worries can get the better of us.

There is not a lot you can do during the three-month window period - you have to just sit-it-out im afraid.

But, *IF* (and i dont think you would be) - *IF* - your test was anything other than negative, i would be absolutely-utterly-astounded.

I would put money on you being fine, now please, deep breaths, relax, and move on :-) - but for conclusiveness, get tested at the three-month mark.