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Old 09-10-2005, 04:23 PM   #1
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Unhappy Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hi, I did something really stupid last nite, i went on a night out with a big group of people from my old work. Anyway i ended up going home with a lad that I used to be good friends with, but only really saw him in the holidays when we were both home from uni. In the past we have kissed each other n stuff a few times and we did like each other but I also knew I probably wouldnt be able to trust him and I think he has slept around a bit before he met his girlfriend about 1 1/2 ago.
Anyway i hadnt seen him for ages and i was so so drunk and we ended up kissing and then ended up going back to my house.
Basically we had sex, and at first he went to put it in without a condom on and i was like no go and put one on, so he did but somehow it managed to come off inside. I do not know for sure because i was so drunk but he insisted that he realised right away and thats why he pulled out and it was in there without it on for about 5 seconds at the most. He didnt come either but im assuming there would have been pre-*** or something, then he put on a new one and we carried on, this one stayed on fine i think, maybe rolled up a little and he pulled it back down again, but when he pulled out the condom stayed inside me but with the end quite far out. (sorry this is so gross!) So then i started worrying what if it had come ages ago and he had carried on doing stuff with the condom just hanging out of me?! i dont know if that would be possible or if it would of fallen out or be pushed further inside.
So i am REALLY worried about that encounter and the fact that he was inside me with no protection on for a few seconds and the condom was stuck inside me too, that has never happened to me b4 ever, i am also worried cos i had shaved 'down there' about 7 hours earlier before i went out and so i am worrying that there could of been any small cuts or anything although i did look before and couldnt see anything.
I have never regretted anything so much and feel totally disgusted with myself as i NEVER do things like that and i am totally against it, which is why in the past things never got that far!! and then to make things even worse i found out 2day he is still with his gf!! I just cant believe how bad it all is!!
I am just regretting and regretting soo much! I dont know what to do, i am worried about pregnancy and i am worrying about hiv as well cos i have always stressed over it (i have ocd as well)
it is the first time i have ever ever had a one night stand and i would never ever do it again and i feel so angry with myself for going against everything i have ever said

 
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Old 09-10-2005, 05:23 PM   #2
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Laura, first breath!!!!!

Since you have OCD (so do I) call your doctors office tomorrow and set up an appointment to be tested for pregnancy and all STDs. Until you actually have test results in your hands DO NOT search the internet to see what the symptoms of HIV or any other STD are. OCDer's have the wonderful ability to manafest their thoughts into the physical symptoms that they have imagined far faster and to a greater extent then most. And nothing anyone here tells you is going to be able to put your fears to rest.

Also, stop beating yourself up, yes it was a reckless thing to do, but its over and hopefully you will learn from this and maybe stop one drink earlier next time. NOTHING is worth the stress or the risk you take when you dont protect yourself.
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Old 09-11-2005, 01:28 AM   #3
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Agreed, do NOT go symptom-checking, the BEST people to advise you are your health providers who can assess you properly. From what you said, your risk is VERY low, but as an OCD'er - me saying that, isn't going to help you. Ive got pretty severe health anxiety myself, and i know from experience, that only conclusive tests put my mind at ease, regardless of what people tell me.

 
Old 09-11-2005, 02:07 AM   #4
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hi guys, thanks for your response, I think I am going to go to the walk in centre today and get the morning after pill to reassure me about pregnancy and speak to them about my hiv and std worries, if only the condom had been on the whole time then there would be no need for this horrible worrying.
But hiv doesnt show up for three months does it? That is an indredibly long time to wait for someone who will just stress and obsess over something. And now of course as the worry has manifested itself im now thinking along the (typical ocd) lines of what if i have hiv and have passed it on to him and then he passes it on to his gf and anyone else he sleeps with etc i cant stand it, and getting disease and passing on disease have always been a MAJOR part of my ocd, even waiting a few days for test results would drive me crazy!! I wish you coul;d find out in a text right away and have it over and done with.
I regret the whole thing so so much, i have never done anything like that before ever, i had only slept with 3 people all in long term relationships and always protected because i have always been so paranoid!! all i have done since is think if only this if only that but thats not gonna change anything is it :'(
i have never really been one to go looking into symptoms though, usually i look more into risk factors and convince myself how it all seems to fit in that it is going to happen to me and it is some form of punishment, i always tend to go down that route of thinking ands it gets me really depressed!! i am feeling really bad about the fact that he had a gf and the fact that i have totally let myself down when i have always had such high morals about things but this on top of it all worrying about pregnancy and disease is just too much.
im gonna go and get ready now and see what they can do for me at the walk in centre, hope it goes okay and there is noone else in the waiting room cos reception always ask you what your going for and to sit in front of a room of people and say i want the morning after pill and i wanna talk about std's.. how huimilliating is that?! i still cant believe this has happened i feel so cheap and dirty :'(

 
Old 09-11-2005, 04:29 AM   #5
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

"i still cant believe this has happened i feel so cheap and dirty :'("
"the fact that i have totally let myself down when i have always had such high morals about things"

PLEASE dont think like that - these things *do* happen - you shouldn't fill yourself with guilt & things because of it..... It sounds like you took precautions, you dont even know the HIV status of the guy, and remember, there are MANY factors which need to be in-place for the virus to transmit.

We're all human at the end of the day, we make mistakes, our mistakes make us worry - and for those of us with health anxiety, ocd & the like, our worries can get the better of us.

There is not a lot you can do during the three-month window period - you have to just sit-it-out im afraid.

But, *IF* (and i dont think you would be) - *IF* - your test was anything other than negative, i would be absolutely-utterly-astounded.

I would put money on you being fine, now please, deep breaths, relax, and move on :-) - but for conclusiveness, get tested at the three-month mark.

 
Old 09-11-2005, 07:40 AM   #6
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hi,

Thanks for your reassurance, I know ocd does get the better of me at all times, i mean yesterday morning i was worried but as time has gone by i have worked myself into more and more of a state about things and convinced myself of the worst!

I have just been to the walk in centre and told them i wanted the morning after pill and they asked me some questions and were like is this a long term partner? i felt so ashamed i was like noo i do know him but he is not my partner. i told her that the condom came off but i didnt tell her he didnt come (sorry- crude!) so i dunno if she was assuming he did or not, either way there is still a risk and especially as i am right in the middle of my cycle which is the fertile time of the month, she said i was doing the right thing and that i should be fine. she asked me if i was worried about stds and i was like yes i am, but thats the way i am i worry about everything, she was like well.. it is highly unlikely that you will have caught anything but iif you want to you can go and see the people at the GUM clinic and they are really nice and they can do a full range of tests for you for things such as thrush, chlamidia etc and i was like what about blood tests for hiv and hep b? she was like well yes they will do those for you as well if you ask for them but they will make an appointment to go and get tested in the future. She was like with anything there is always a risk and these things are unlikely to happen but you just really cant say.
so she gave me some condoms and also gave me some info for family planning clinics to go and see about a long term form of contraception and i was like yes but i wouldnt want to use just another form of contraception without knowing that i am clear from stds!
I am still worrying about the std worries, particularly hiv and hep b, but i do feel much more relieved now about the pregnancy worries. altho she said also that the GUM clinic or family planning clinic would also give me a pregnancy test.
its so hard as well cos hiv has always been one of my BIG ocd obsessions and so i have always unessessarily worried about it and convinced myself that i have it and so it is really hard for me to grasp a real sense or logic or sense in this because i am unsure where my worries turn from a realistic worry to an exagerrated obession, if that makes ANY sense?
I have always had contradicting worries when it comes to diseases about both getting them and passing them on, simultaneously, so whereas now i am worrying about catching hiv from him i am also panicking that i may have it already from somewhere and could have passed it on to him and then he will pass it on to other people. :-s
never ever ever again will i b so stupid!!

thanks again for your helpful replies and feeback,

Laura

 
Old 09-11-2005, 07:49 AM   #7
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

that's what we're here for :-)

 
Old 09-11-2005, 10:18 AM   #8
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hi again!

Its just got a whole lot worse and now i am REALLY REALLY stressing! Ok since i woke up yesterday morning i felt a really bad pain in my cheek as if i had been chewing on it in my sleep or something, but i remembered i had accidentally caught it a few times the day before chewing n stuff so assumed it might be sore from that. anyway as the day went by i was feeling the most horrible pain in the back of my mouth and in my cheeks still and i assumed it was my wisdom teeth playing up again, I also remember just before i went to bed last nite i tried to eat some salt and vinegar crisps and i ate one and felt all along my lips stinging so i couldnt eat anymore!
Anyway when i woke up again this morning the pain was still there at the back of my mouth really really sever pain and i looked at my mouth and notcied this biny lump that hasd been there for ages and i assumed it was that.
When i went to the walk in centre today i mentioned it to the nurse and she said it was probably a dental thing but she did check it out and then said that it is probably a dental issue or somerthing to do with the trigeminal nerve. So i was like okay then i'll go and see the dentist this week.
Anyways since i have been home i have been drinking some orange juice and it was stinging the side of my lips. I noticed the edges of my lips felt all dry and cracked and my lips felt sore so i went to look in a mirror and saw that my lips have like raw red patches on them and on closer inspection it looks a bit like little blisters or something.
So i INSTANTLY panic and start thinking HERPES oh my goodness what have i done now?! so i have been looking into it and it says that herpes causes blisters on the mouth and sores inside the mouth and that is what i have! I also have a slightly sore and red throat. Then i also sore that it said that the herpes simplex virus lives in the trigeminal nerve after primary infection. I cant believe it!! is this what i have?? it seems to make sense that suddenly the onset of sore mouth occured at the same time as the severe mouth pain!
Thing is i have NEVER in my life suffered with a cold sore EVER and on the things i have read about it it all says that after the initial infection ppl will get symptoms from about 3 days after infection!! But i had symptoms about 8 hours after 'the incident' which only involved kissing, with not a lot of tongues, and no oral sex or anything, unless it happened when i was asleep or something?!?! is that possible???? :'(
So my major concerns are apart from the fact that i may now have herpes type 1 which i have never had before ever, are :
a) that it seems very coincidental that these symptoms show up immediately after sleeping with someone.
b) that maybe he gave it to me and i developed it quicker because i may of had sensitive skin inside my mouth from accidentally biting my cheek a few times earlier in the day
c) maybe i was always carrying it but something happened to make me suddenly develop symptoms ie i could of got some infection form him and because my body was fighting that then my immunity to the herpes virus was lower and so symptoms appeaered
d) that i never got it from him and was always carrying it but because i have just started a new job and have to be up at 6am every morning and have been feeling extremely tired that i have become more run down and therefore developed symptoms of herpes and i may have passed it onto him and he might get it now too!! :'(

I cant believe this it just gets worse and worse!! is there ANYTHING this could be other than herpes?? it is not like proper cold sore yet it is literally like sore red skin on my lips, like when they r chapped or dried and u pick the skin off and they feel red and sore, and i THINK i can see and feel little blistery bits there too, they werent there until last night/today but could i still have passed it onto him without the sores being there? i did kiss him a few times briefly in the morning before he left too!!

I cant believe all this is happening to me!! Im really really worrying now

 
Old 09-11-2005, 11:13 AM   #9
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hi Laura

Try not to worry about this too much. The people on this board are great helps. We all do things we regret but it does not make us bad people. I have another appointment tomorrow with a counsellor so i'll let you know how it goes.

Take care
Joa

 
Old 09-11-2005, 11:25 AM   #10
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hi all & Laura

Can i confide in you all with something thats been playing on my mind. I am OCD like Laura - we speak on the OCD board. It has come to the point in my life where all my friends are having babies and i am thinking one day soon i would like to have a child too. I'm so obsessed that i have HIV that i would be too scared to get pregnant in case the routine blood test showed up HIV and i am too scared to get one done beforehand. A part of me preys that i do not ever fall pregant but the other half of me wants to be a mum. Part of me thinks that if i did get pregant then i would be forced to face my fear but i know that would be selfish to not know beforehand. I'm just scared to face my biggest fear.

 
Old 09-11-2005, 11:31 AM   #11
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hiya!! How are things going for you lately? This is probably one of the STUPIDEST things i have ever done and i cant stop worrying about it!! Especially with my fears over HIV i go and do something so stupid, although we did use condoms so i TRIED to be safe, but i should never have done what i did and especially if he had told me he had a girlfriend i feel so angry with myself because i know too well what it is like to be cheated on and i have always looked down on people that pull ppl with gf's or bf's. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about that and that he is the one with the girlfriend and he shouldnt be doing that and i also found out he goes out and kisses other people too so he has probably slept with other people as well!
I am so so worried, i had managed to calm down slightly until i noticed these sores on my mouth and now my mind is racing with all kinds and i think i will definitely take the walk in centre nurses advice and go to the GUM clinic tomorrow and get tested for things and hopefullky get some reassurance- if there is any?!?!
Im worried about going and them telling me something i dont want to hear like i have something or am likely to have something or that i might have herpes and might have passed it on! im so worried!!
I really really hope everything is okay and the morning after pill works and i dont have anything and neither does he so i can just forget about this and just feel bad and learn from my stupid mistakes without having something to deal with for the rest of my life, i keep feeling like the worst is going to happen to me as some sort of punishment or something, i think this is ocd related

does anyone know, if i do go to the GUM clinic tomorrow will they be able to test me for all other stds, i mean this soon? including herpes?? i mean if at least i can get those ones out the way then thats something i suppose :'(
i cant stop crying i feel terrible, im going out 2nite so hopefully my friends might be able to give me some good advice too
thanks again everyone and i hope your appointment goes well 2moro jo!!
take care xx L

 
Old 09-11-2005, 11:37 AM   #12
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Laura, those symptoms you are experiencing could very well be related to stress. Obviously you are working yourself up about this whole thing..surely your body is reacting to all this anxiety.

You'll be in my prayers. God bless.

 
Old 09-11-2005, 11:56 AM   #13
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

I hope so!! thank you so much for your support! I really just want this whole horrible incident to be put behind me and to learn from it and never ever do anything so so stupid ever again!!
xx L

 
Old 09-11-2005, 01:12 PM   #14
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Laura~
Whenever we're in a "state of emergency", as you are now, ANYTHING we can relate back to that expierience, we will. You've probably had a cold before, or felt sick, and haven't realized it. When we worry, we become these crazy, hypersensitive beings. Did you take the morning after pill? If so, it could be causing a bad reaction, as well as stress and a lowered immunity due to drinking. RIght there the odds that it's something else should be an encouragement to that one other odd. Also,YOU WOULD NOT BE EXPERIENCING SYMPTOMS SOO SOON. Most people who are HIV+ do not, and will not experience ARS (the intial "symptoms" after infection). Lastly, his fluids, most likely didnt come in contact with you too much. NOt to mention theres a good chance hes not HIV+. I would really start to worry if he ejaculated in you, and he's HIV+. Even then, there's no rule that youll become infected right away (*disclaimer, its possible people).
Dont try and piece together the night, itll only send you on a downward spiral. You cant remember what happened, so leave it at that and really, try to *breathe*. I think you're fine, i've been there hun. It sucks, but its up to fate, and Im sure fate will be kind either way. We cant learn if we dont experience, so dont beat yourself up. You're a good person NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!
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Old 09-12-2005, 05:20 AM   #15
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Re: Im really worried, can anyone help?

Hey Jo

I have also had similar thoughts about pregnancy in the past but then sometimes I do realise that there is major ocd coming into effect which really affects my judgement. I know it must be horrible and really scary and I am going through the exact same fear at the moment thinking about it but maybe you should go and get tested, The most likely probability is that you will be negative and then imagine the peace of mind then! I am also considering having to maybe have one done especially after this weekend because a) i am stressing that i could have caught it, but then i would have to wait 3 months and b) i am stressing that i already have it somehow and will have passed it onto the lad at the weekend. :'(
I am sure you will be fine though, sometimes when i am really stressed i really have to try and remind myself that it is ocd and thats all and if i didnt have ocd i most likely woulndt be worrying about it!! which i do believe in most circumstances, it is still hard though to ignore the worries!!


to jo and everyone else!!

What makes things EVEN worse about what happened at the weekend is that not only do i find out he has a girlfriend but he was MOVING IN with her the next day, i cant believe he did that, its so disgusting it mkaes me feel sick thinking about it!!
I really really AM going to learn from this, to be honest i never actually thought i would have to learn from it because its something i never thought that i would do!! and i cant seem to stop crying over it and sitting wishing how things could have been different!

About the morning after pill i did take that yesterday but the sore lips i had noticed from the night before when i ate some salt and vinegar crisps and they stung really badly!! i told my friend last night about what happened and she said it doesnt seem like a cold sore because a cold sore is really big and blistering and my lips just looked red and dry and chapped. They are really sore and cracked in the corners and then kind of on the inside edge around my lips there is like some slightly red patches and on the bottom lip on slightly redder bump. And my cheek inside my mouth hurts so much but i do keep biting it accidentally, did it again really badly before eating a a wotsit, so that could be related to that! But it just seems really coincidental the way that my mouth and face started hurting the morning after and then that evening my lips got sore, and the next day the nurse suggested the trigeminal nerve could be involved and when i looked into herpes it said that it resides in the trigeminal nerve!! its just that symptoms for cold sores came on too soon according to the info i read it said that symptoms start from 3 days after primary infection, not less than 24 hours after primary infection!! i really dont know, would herpes 1 cause sores all around the mouth but no actual fluid filled blisters??
And we only kissed, and mainly just with lips, there was no oral sex or anything involved THANK GOODNESS!!
I am about to ring the GUM clinic anyway and drag myself down there which i cant say im looking forward to but i would rather be reassured, it is just the hiv i am going to be panciking over but hopefully they will be able to give me some reassurance, if they can!!!!!
I seriously dont understand how some people can go out and sleep around unprotected all the time and not worry about it!! i have done it once and i been worrying myself sick over it and riddled with guilt and feelings that i have let myself down badly and feeling angry and disappointed in myself

thanks for your replies again everybody, it is a great help to be able to share my worries!!

x Laura

 
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