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Old 06-26-2006, 05:55 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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soo_stressed HB User
Unhappy HIV convinced- so scared and upset!

Firstly, I apologise for the very long thread..

Basically, Iíve spent almost a year worrying about having contracted HIV but I canít take the wait anymore and soon Iím finally going to pluck up the courage to get tested. Iím 99.5% positive I have HIV but Iím so scared to have it confirmed and was wondering if anyone thinks thereís a small amount of hope that my results could come back negative.

Nearly a year ago now, in an intoxicated state I ended up in bed with somebody 10 years my senior (I was 17, he was 27, sick I know!) It was my first sexual experience and I received oral sex and finger penetration which caused my hymen to tear and bleed substantially. I also gave oral sex, lasting no more than 20 seconds, no ejaculation, unsure about pre ***. Iím so scared though as I had poor oral health at the time and woke up with a cut on my lip, Iím scared there was easy access for any pre *** to enter my bloodstream. Iím also scared that although we didnít have sex, his penis came into contact with my bleeding vagina at some point.

I didnít even consider oral sex and HIV until 2 days later when my school had an AIDS talk, from than moment on, I have searched non stop and worried non stop about HIV! The week straight after the incident, I had a sore throat, slight runny nose, diarrhoea on the odd occasion and I just felt weak in general. I quickly made an appointment at the GUM clinic and saw a nurse at the doctors surgery, I was later diagnosed with a slight throat infection and I stupidly chickened out of a HIV test as I didnít feel prepared for the news and the nurse didnít think it was that necessary.

In the weeks following, symptoms of a cold reduced but I did have pretty frequent mild headaches and I distinctly remember returning from holiday and burning up for about 15 minutes in a cold (could this be fever or more likely to be due to sunstroke?)

Then, to further my worry, I started forming numerous small, painful mouth ulcers and geographic tongue which came with a burning sensation sometimes (I can only assume this was/is thrush) These ulcers were long lasting (about 3 months until they calmed down and they tended to occur mostly after nights out involving alcohol, spicy food, a small amount of sleep and waking up with a dry mouth) but I do still sometimes get the odd ulcer, mainly after alcohol, and the geographic tongue is still very apparent. Itís not like Iíve never had a mouth ulcer in my life but never to this extent. I know stress can cause the above but Iíve been stressed before and this hasnít happened, itís all too much of a coincidence!

In the last year Iíve seen 2 nurses, 2 GPís and a dentist.. All of them have told me my problems are common and down to stress, poor luck and a bad diet and not even mentioned HIV. This scares me though, I think they may be dismissing HIV because it is uncommon in the area (north east England) and they may not expect someone of my age to have a risk of being HIV+. To further my worry, the medication I was given for the ulcers never helped.

After taking a blood test for things like vitamin deficiencies, anaemia and a few other disorders, and my results coming back negative, Iím now almost CONVINCED that the causes of my symptoms are HIV related. There doesnít seem to be any other explanation.

Also, recently Iím having problems with my discharge, itís colouring has turned yellowish and the odour has become quite unpleasant, however there is no itching or pain. Though, not so long ago I went through a stage where it burned when I went to the toilet, although this stopped within a week and without medication. Iím scared Iíve contracted some sort of infection.. Yet another symptom!

The only thing which is keeping me partially positive in my outlook is that I havenít had ALL of the HIV symptoms. I havenít had severe flu like symptoms, fatigue worse than usual, swollen glands (that I know of), long lasting diarrhoea or severe weight loss (although I was told I looked thinner the other day!) I donít know if itís a good sign or not but my oral health has improved. Also, my family has a history of gingivitis and Iím hoping that somehow this could be the reason for my poor oral health, as along with the mouth ulcers and geographic tongue, I already had sensitive, bleeding gums and around the time of my bad spell with ulcers, my teeth became discoloured and Iíve been suffering from bad breath too. Could my problems be due to a bacterial infection?

I just feel so alone! I canít tell my family about my worries, Iíve only told them Iím concerned about my tongue and because they donít realise why, they keep reassuring me saying thereís nothing abnormal with it because thatís the impression the dentist gave, telling me geographic tongue and mouth ulcers are fairly common and that my mouth looked fine. My friends are sick of hearing me moan as they donít know why I think this guy who seems healthy has HIV (neither do I really, I just had a really bad feeling from the start and after all my symptoms, I think the feeling was right!) and the man who I had the experience with is sick of me asking about his sexual history (he told me initially, straight after the incident that heíd never had a blood test in his life as heís never needed to have one, than more recently I spoke to him about it again and he assured me heíd recently gone for a full check up after having irritation in his penis.. Though I donít believe him)

Iím a wreck! Iíve got to the point where I break down in tears just thinking about my family and friends and how one incident which I regret so much may have ruined my relationships with them. Itís ruining my education and itís ruining my life! I will get the test after my holiday, I just want to enjoy that before knowing the news.
Have I left it too late to be diagnosed? Will my health already be at great risk?
Does anyone think theres any kind of hope that the results could maybe be negative? Thankyou for reading this thread and any insight is appreciated, thanks xx

 
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Old 06-26-2006, 12:58 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Posts: 72
Heather13 HB User
Exclamation Re: HIV convinced- so scared and upset!

Hey there.
Sorry to hear about everything, it is very scarey in these situations to think about the risks you've opened yourself to. But worrying isn't going to do anything. You've got to gather your strength and go for an HIV test. There's no point in making yourself sick over it. There's no do-overs, if you have it you have it. What you can do is ease your worries and go see a doctor. I'm not sure how many years of testing until you're in the clear, but 1 year will be a good starting point.
If you do in fact have HIV you can maybe start on treatments, the sooner the better, because to my knowledge these treatments/medications can help to slow the virus to becoming an AIDs infection. The longer you leave it the worse off you could be.
If you're clear, then you can stop all of this terrible worrying, remember stress is the #1 killer.
Ask a close friend to go along with you to the doctor's office where you will get your test results. If the results are not good, you will have someone there to hug. My advice would be to tell your family if you test positive.
Please never have sexual encounters again when you have been drinking, your judgement was impaired. Make sure you protect yourself next time you do get involved. Keep this memory as a reminder of why you need to be more careful...
Good luck with your results, I will pray that everything turns out ok for you!
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It's all fun & games 'til someone gets an eye poked out!

Last edited by Heather13; 06-26-2006 at 12:59 PM.

 
Old 06-26-2006, 03:13 PM   #3
Junior Member
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: kansas city, mp
Posts: 44
whookidd HB User
Re: HIV convinced- so scared and upset!

Hi,

You are experiencing heavy anxiety and guilt. Anxiety can cause serious medical problems and it always make things seem worse then it is. You know you did something and you know it lead to something serious. That is one of the consequences we go through in life. only way you will know is get a checkup. Dont be afraid, once you get the checkup you will be fine in the head instead of just thinking you are infected. I once was so afraid that I was affected I wanted to die. I was going thought major depression and anxiety, I thought I was having HIV signs but I wasnt it was just random things happening at once. I will get tested again soon. I dont have anxiety problems like before and I am no longer depressed and now I see that what I was thinking was not right. So just calmdown. At least you know not to make the same mistake again. I wish you all the best. Have a great day

 
Old 06-27-2006, 01:48 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: manchester uk
Posts: 2
arrkid HB User
Re: HIV convinced- so scared and upset!

last xmas i had unprotected sex with a girl, the next morning she told me that she makes quite a habit of it, i thought no more of it untill i developed a sore throat and cold a few weeks later that kept going on and on for 12 weeks i could not shake it, what made it worse was my girlfriend also developed thae same symptons as well as a sore tongue and mouth, what made it even worse than that was another person i had unprotected sex with around the same time also was complaining of sore throat and tongue. i became convinced that i had hiv i couldnt sleep or eat for days i phoned helplines and posted messages on these things and it all came down to the same answer a test. i went to hospital had the test and almost killed myself whilst waiting for the results i was so worried. A week later my life began again when i got the all clear, the moral of the story is you can convince yourself of anything if you work yourself up to much. Do you even know if this person had hiv?? and if he did although there have been cases it is still not the easiest way to catch it having oral sex, also a high percentage of people tested poitive por hiv have other sexual diseases. have you??.. get a test or you will never be able to carry on with your life. x

 
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