when someone you love becomes hiv positive - HIV Prevention Message Board

chess7cake724 · 11-13-2008, 02:29 PM

my husband's hiv positive and I haven't really let out my feelings but I think it starting to hit me that I've been feeling really sad lately. what should I do?

MYSISSYGIRLS · 11-13-2008, 04:19 PM

Hello,
I totally understand how you feel. Although it is not my husband it is my cousin who is lilke my brother. we are so close and have been 45 years. There are times i cannot express in words to someone how i feel. Scared,sad,overwhelmed among many of my emotions. I would suggest to you maybe counseling, i know sometimes it is hard to talk to the one who is positive because they already have so many things going on in there mind and you just dont want to add more. I have been receiving counseling but am having trouble expressing my feelings or just letting it out. there are times i just cry.Last nite i cryed myself to sleep because right now he is so sick and ready to give up.
It isnt good for you to hold your emotions in. You have to let them out to someone if not your husband then maybe a close friend or counselor and it is always ok to just cry and release some of it. My prayers are with you,
Tami

mattp123 · 11-14-2008, 01:53 AM

my uncle is HIV positive i grew up living with him. it hurts me deep inside to know he doesnt want treatment and he is just wasting away. i love him so much i looked up to him all my life hes a great guy. tell him how u feel and if its that hard get a councelor its good.

jake99 · 11-18-2008, 01:19 PM

My wife and I (in our early 40's) both found out together that I was HIV+ this passed May. It was devastating to the two of us, to say the least.

My infection occurred from a one-time incident over 10 years ago. I never thought this would have happened to me, especially in having done something like that only once. My wife and I have had (up until this point) a great sex life and produced two young boys. It is a miracle that she was not infected over all that time. In fact, I never knew I was until I started developing Kaposi's Sarcoma and ITP (low platelet count, causing severe bruising and nosebleeds). Other than that, I felt perfectly fine and lived a normal life.

It's now been almost 6 months since being diagnosed, and although I have found peace with myself, my wife is still having a tough time understanding and accepting all of this. We talk about it all the time, and I never hold back anything from her. I love her to death, and never hoped anything like this would have happened. If I could turn back time for her sake, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have tried to show her how sorry I am, and how we still can have a normal, beautiful life together (done safely now), as this illness is now considered a manageable chronic condition, so long as you stick to the drug regimen which is very easy. She has stated that the toughest thing is that there are no groups out there for women in this situation, women that she can reach out to. She cannot go to our friends nor to her family for fear of being snubbed or our boys being rejected. I do have my family as my support system, and thank God each and every day for that. She is finally starting to talk with my family, and has found a therapist she feels comfortable with (after trying many).

Do not feel that you are alone in this: you're not. You'd be very surprised how many other hetero-couples there are out there in this predicament. This is not to say that it's easier for a gay couple, as it isn't. Love is love, no matter what sexual preference you have. But for the hetero-couples where one person is HIV+, there is less guidance out there. Find a therapist you are comfortable with. Be careful of who you confide in, meaning friends and family. Many people today still do not understand this illness and are quite fearful of it. Those that you think are close to you may suddenly avoid you if they know. That is why you need to find an un-biased counselor.

One other thing: never stop loving your husband. We all make mistakes in our lives. Not one of us is perfect. Your healing process will begin once you find the way to truly forgive him. You will never forget, but you can forgive.

CharlieJ · 02-28-2009, 09:00 AM

I have been married to my husband for nearly 37 years, and in December last year after him being ill for about 2 months, we found out he was HIV positive and he was admitted to hospital with AIDs, which comprised of loss of weight, oral thrush, dementia, and pneumonia. The consultant saw him on his own first, and then left it to my husband to explain to me that he had HIV and more important, how he got it. I had had a wonderful marriage up till then, we met when we were both at school, got married at 20, and been together since. I felt he was my best friend, the only person in the world I could trust and I loved him with all my heart, but he dropped the bombshell that for years he has been having casual sex with men!!! I was horrified, everything I held dear to me vanished before my eyes.........I was stunned. I never guessed what he had been doing, and didn't have a clue, and in that one sentence he shattered my life. I ran from the room and cried like a baby. The male nurse who had come with the consultant to break the news to my husband took me to one side and tried to reassure me that I was not the first in this situation and he asked what I intended to do. I just said that as he was so ill, there was at that stage a chance he could die, I would put my feelings on hold and just concentrate on getting him well and once he was I would think about 'me' then. The nurse said he admired me for my decision and that is how we proceeded. He was in hospital all over Christmas and New Year, and came home the first week in January, only to be readmitted 2 days later after having a stomach haemorrhage, caused by an ulcer, caused by cytomegaly virus, caused by the HIV. He was waiting in A & E for a bed on the ward, but before they found one he had a further stomach haemorrhage which made him black out on the toilet floor bleeding PR and they had to rush him to theatre. They took me to one side to say he might not make it! It was at that stage I realised I still loved him, and no way did I want him to die, and although it was a tragic way to realise what I would do with the future, it made me see that we had to work through this together. He had to have another month in hospital with treatment but is now home fit and well, putting weight on daily and getting better by the minute. The problem is, I haven't been able to discuss this with anyone. My parents are the only family we have, we have never had children and have no brother's or sister's and my husbands parents are already dead. My parents are mid 80's and love my husband like a son, and it would break their hearts to know the truth, so we told them he had pneumonia, and then that he had an ulcer which bled, and they are content with that. I am protecting them from being devestated. We have decided not to tell any of our friends or my husbands workplace, because we want to get back (as much as possible) to a normal life without gossip or finger pointing. I have not let out my feelings but I still feel very betrayed and hurt, and what hurts more than anything is that he could do such a thing, and that he would risk my life by doing so. Even now I don't think he realises the implications of what he has done, I actually asked him what he would have felt if I had been positive too, and I died from the illness, and he can't answer. I now have questions I want to ask but he won't answer me. I know I probably wouldn't like the answers, but I do need to know, like how long, where, who with, how often. I know it has been several years and he has had several people and that is all. I am so confused, and feel I have lost a valuable thing in my marriage, trust and respect. Life goes on............