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Old 11-28-2008, 01:24 PM   #1
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Unhappy Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

Hello everyone. I have so much going through my mind and Ive had no one to turn to so I found this board and I hope someone can give me some guidance...

My boyfriend of 9 years and I were having problems in our relationship and our sex life had become non-existant... and in a moment of drunken stupidity I was seduced by another guy into giving him oral but snapped out of it half way through. So there was no ejaculation or pre-*** as far as I know either. I was very ashamed of this event and beat myself up for it constantly. My boyfriend and I have been trying to work things out lately because we love each other. However I have not had sex with him for about 13 months. Well, my boyfriend just tested positive for HIV. At first I was convinced I must have given it to him thanks to my few minutes of indiscretion... but my test came back negative. The Doc said to come back in a month for another test - which I did - and I am still testing negative.

My boyfriend tells me he got a test only 6 months back as part of his physical and it came back negative. He says his HIV must have been dormant for the last 9 years and just now became active which is why he is just now testing as positive. He claims he hasnt been with anyone else but me in 9 years. I dont know if I should believe him or if he is lying to me. I got a good book from the library called 100 Q&As about HIV and in the book it said anyone exposed to HIV should test positive by at least 6 months ... so that leaves me wondering if 6 months ago he cheated on me and wont admit it. I love him and will stand by him HIV or not but I have to know if he's being truthful. Is it possible to test negative for it for 9 years and then suddenly test positive? But Im negative - so that would have to mean Im immune or something to have not gotten in 9 years of being together. I dont know how to think, or feel, or act. Im so scared and confused. Can someone out there give me some words to think over .... thank you...

 
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Old 11-28-2008, 05:36 PM   #2
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Re: Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

Hi there,

The answer is no.

The blood test is for the HIV antibodies, not the HIV virus. The antibodies are in your system from the moment your body starts reacting to the HIV virus, this can take up to 3 months, i.e. the window period.

The virus itself may well go into “hiding” for many years and you will show no signs whatsoever of HIV for many years but the antibodies, once produced are always present and will be detected by a blood test.

It is not possible to get tested negative for nine years.

Hope this helps, Take care Kevin.

 
Old 11-29-2008, 10:55 AM   #3
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Re: Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

So Kevin,
Then you are saying - since the last time Ive had sex with ANYONE was more than a year ago, and Im still testing negative - I couldnt have given it to him - and he definately got it from someone else at least 6 months ago? This is all so hard to deal with ...

 
Old 11-29-2008, 04:34 PM   #4
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Re: Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jere722 View Post
So Kevin,
Then you are saying - since the last time Ive had sex with ANYONE was more than a year ago, and Im still testing negative - I couldnt have given it to him - and he definately got it from someone else at least 6 months ago? This is all so hard to deal with ...

yup, i would say the same thing myself...
the tests are very accurate and unless he is on chemo
or taking certian drugs for a compromised immune system
you can pretty much bank on the results...

 
Old 11-30-2008, 11:20 PM   #5
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Re: Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

Jere772,
Seperate the issues, HIV and relationships.
Unfortunately, your BF, since he's the one who tested positive (HIV), got the virus from someone other than you (relationship). I can assure you, the negative results he had been getting over the last 9 years were not due to the virus hiding, they were due to him not being infected. With all the information out there, educate yourself. That's your first line of defense!!!


Now the relationship. Some advise, because I was at the same place you were years ago; you have your answer about the infidelity, wanting him to come clean, doesn't sound like he's ready to. Right, wrong or indifferent, he's dealing with his own issue of acceptance, he may not be ready to get to your's. If the relationship is important to you, be there for him and in time I'm sure you will get to the sordid details of his infidelity. My ex and I had a great relationship for years after he was diagnosised, and although we eventually split up (not because of the HIV issue) we are still loving friends.

Both issues, HIV and relationships, are complex. Humans are complex!!! There are no simple answers, I wish there were.

Good Luck!!!

 
Old 12-01-2008, 04:19 PM   #6
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Re: Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jere722 View Post
So Kevin,
Then you are saying - since the last time Ive had sex with ANYONE was more than a year ago, and Im still testing negative - I couldnt have given it to him - and he definately got it from someone else at least 6 months ago? This is all so hard to deal with ...

Yes, this exactly what I am saying.

I am sorry if this is hard to deal with and please be assured I am not in anyway trying to compound, further, any pain or upset you are feeling. But you came to this forum and asked for advice and I would like to think I have given it to you with honest intentions.

The honest truth is that if you are testing negative after such a length of time then from my own personnel experiences and the research I have done I have never seen such an expectation to the norm. I am not saying you are not such a case but,realistically, it is highly unlikely.

Take care, Kevin

 
Old 12-01-2008, 05:13 PM   #7
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Re: Confused, scared, and frustrated partner of someone who test positive

Thank you "doingfine" and "Kevin" so much for your words and advice. This is not easy to deal with and I havent had anyone to talk to for support. Only my best friend knows what we are dealing with and I wouldnt tell anyone else out of respect for my boyfriend and out of fear of people's ignorance in regards to HIV. Lord knows my Mom would be one of those people spraying Lysol in his face. (sigh) I want to work things out with my boyfriend but of course there are all other kinds of issues I know we have to deal with. As "doingfine" said - it's complex - thats for sure. Im just going to give it time and see where it leads ... and hope that at some point we can talk about the sordid details. I love him, and I have trouble imagining leaving him (especially leaving him when he's dealing with being diagnosed) ... but I know in the end that is only a decision I can make. Again - thank you for letting me speak to you and for your thoughts ... you have helped me out mentally quite a bit.

 
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