ive gotta get some stuff off my chest and i really dont know who else to talk to about it.
im in my late 20s, live in japan, have a girlfriend who i love very much and were engaged
basically, i made a huge mistake. i went on vacation to seoul last week with a friend. when i was in seoul, the alcohol got the best of me one night and i ended up bringing some korean girl back to my room. my first time ever cheating on my girlfriend. we had sex but the condom came off at one point. i dont remember it that well cuz i was pretty drunk in the first place. i sorta just passed out when it was over. i woke up the next morning and she was completely gone. no sign of her. i also couldnt even find the condom from the previous night. the biggest concern i had was there were a few small red spots on the head of my penis. ever since that night i have been sorta freaking out and its been eating away at me inside, and thats on top of just general guilt for cheating on my girlfriend.
i did some research online and pretty much no stds show signs that fast. it had to have been less than 8 hours time frame. the funny thing was, it looked sorta familiar. a while back, my girlfriend had a yeast infection and i caught it. in case you didnt know, males can get them too. it looked pretty similar. the previous problem went away pretty quick. we just had to take a little time off sex for us both to heal. the only other thing it could possibly be is herpes. im embarrased to say this but i have genital herpes. dont know when i got it, probably wayyyyy before i came to japan. it hardly ever shows up so its not even noticable. anyway my girlfriend has it too because of me, but thats no big deal and another story.
so in any case, the whole way back home i was freaking out and couldnt sleep. my friend and i stayed up all night the last night and just got on the plane after a whole night of drinking and then i couldnt even sleep on the plane because of crying babies and then the train ride back from the airport was just not comfortable enough even though i was exhausted. so i finally saw my girlfriend on monday after i got back. i told her how exhausted i was and i wasnt in a very good state menetally but was very happy to see her and she was happy to see me too. i told her that i think i had another herpes outbreak which sucks but she wasnt angry about it or anything. however im still freaking out.
i was doing some research on the net more about yeast infections and theres a form of it called candida that can infect you orally as well. they say you get white spots on your tongue and that it can infect down into your esophagus. i looked at my tongue and its a little white. could be nothing but its freaking me out. so i told her just to be safe im going to go get it checked out at the hospital. i told her right out that it might be candida and shes familiar with it. people can get candida infections without sex from stress and low immune system. ive actually been getting sick a lot recently with fevers and stuff so ive been on some antibiotics for like 2 weeks. i also read that taking lots of antibiotics makes you more voulnerable to candida.
so she doesnt know i had sex yet. i went yesterday and they took some blood and urine and will get back to me on friday. at the hospital i told them how i thought i had candida but to do some tests for whatever. so ill know at least what i caught on friday.
now.... my biggest dilemma is... they said that getting candida can be a signt of hiv due to low immune system. i know for a fact that i didnt have hiv before going to seoul cuz ryo and i were both tested a while back and ive never been with someone else since. im assuming my low immune system is due to drinking literally every day since the quake due to stress and drinking hardcore for like 5 days in a row with my friend in seoul non stop.
however, it did put the idea in my head that this girl could have had hiv. theres nothing indicating it since a yeast infection on a girl is normal but the possability is eating at my mind. she also bled a little during sex which makes it easier to pass along an std. i would get tested for hiv right away but even the most advanced test doesnt detect anything until its been at least 3 weeks since exposure.
so..... to get to the point, i honestly dont know what to do. i really dont want to put my girlfriend at risk and have sex with her again until i know that im clean but i also dont want her to find out because i dont want to make her sad in anyway and i honestly dont even know how extremely she will react. i dont want to lose her but i wouldnt be able to live with myself if i had sex with her and later found out i was posative.
now basically, if it turns out to be candida, and its an extreme case, it can take like months to totally heal. if thats the case i could use that to buy time before i get tested for hiv. on the other hand, if its just a regular yeast infection i wont have much time. infact my penis is already pretty much cleared up but my tongue is still a bit white, but i could just be being paranoid. in any case, im lost at how to handle the situation. part of me just wants to out right tell her because the guilt is eating away at me so hard and i dont want to decieve her but then its like... im so afraid to lose her and i dont want to make her cry. but its like... if i try to stall and she gets suspicious, then if she were to find out later maybe she would be more angry than if i just told her now. theres also the option of just assuming im ok, but like i said, i could roll the dice but if i infected her id hate myself forever. the hiv rate in korea is lower than in the us... about the same as japan, so chances are low. but every time i think about how i got that infection so fast and how that chick just vanished the next day, i just wonder if she was hiding something... or if i just have a low immune system due to too much drinking and too much pills and am blowing this out of proportion. so.... ****.... what do you think i should do? any advice you could give me or just some comments might put my mind at ease.... but i cant remember the last time i felt this depressed.