Hi Cheryl,
I am glad Dan is home w/you. I am so sorry for what you and Dan are going through - I totally relate as even though Bob is doing ok right now, I realize how FAST things can and do change w/stage four lung cancer, and it is sad.
Bob had a rough time of it w/his chemo Tuesday. He has been pale and weak and he might have a blood clot in his arm and we called the on-call doc tonight and he said to just call Dr. W Monday - WELL HELLO - HE NEEDS TO BE SEEN TONIGHT - but now he won't go in as the on-call doc told him to wait. UGGGG I will sue if something happens. His arm has a big lump in the vein that is traveling UP and it is the size of two baseballs, red, hot to the touch and he is IN AGONY. His BP is LOOOW and he is almost passing-out again.
He is not doing very well at all right now. I heard once it hits the lymph nodes and liver (Bob's has) it is a 50-80% mortality rate.
Bob was thin as well and it scared me seeing him as such. The no body hair is tough on him and I look at old pic's and that is my Bob...I too want to remember him the way he was before he had cancer.
I understand completely what you are saying.
I understand what you mean about now being able to share the pain with the family - I cannot either. I have my friends and I am VERY open with them - the family however is a different matter entirely. Bob's Mom won't accept it that her son probably won't be here next year at this time (I am being realistic, not negative) but I MUST accept it as I am the one left to handle ALL...she has her husband, my father-in-law to lean on and my sister-in-laws have their husband's to lean on, the family ALL have spouses to lean on and I swear to God it is NOT the same leaning on a parent vs. one's spouse and I will have my friend's ONLY.
Sure I have my parent's - but our relationship is "rocky". I do not have brothers or sisters either - hence the "rocky" relationship w/my parent's - they expect me to be perfect and I am NOT...I have an anxiety disorder and life is hard enough on me...they just don't "get that" despite my numerous attempts to educate them through the years. UGGGG
Try to sit with Dan and hold his hand and perhaps read to him or put a favorite CD or movie on.
I agree with the other poster - YOU MUST take care of YOU in this...I was not and now I am and it makes it easier to cope with...it truly does.
You hang in there Cheryl and remember to take one day at a time - one hour at a time...baby steps. That is my life now...baby steps to make it through each day and work - I delve into my job as it helps me to forget - even for a short time...
Mary
[This message has been edited by MaryP (edited 12-22-2002).]
