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Old 05-25-2005, 04:09 PM   #1
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ethera HB User
HPV: grief/anger vs. acceptance

I had a one night stand ( I had been solo for the past month or so ).

Right after the one night stand, I went to the free clinic to get tested. The test came back negative ( did not show any diseases ).

Soon after that, my ex called and we got back together.

About a week after my ex and I were sleeping together again, she calls me from her doctor's appointment, to tell me they found warts, and that the only way genital warts happen is thru sexual contact.

Then she asks me if I've been with anyone during the time we were apart.

( At first I didn't tell her. When I had the one night stand, I did not use protection the first time I did it: Why did I bother after that? I guess trying to at least not roll the pregnancy dice anymore )

I caved and told her about the one night stand ( now that I think about it, she could have more easily been with someone else, cause she's hot ).

Of course then she really beat me up about it. I didn't show any symptoms at the time, but soon I did notice a couple of tiny, pink, cauliflower-like warts.

I went to the free clinic, and they swabbed something on them, that got rid of them.


The problem now is, that I still have a very small patch of flat, light-colored 'things' that I think are warts. There are also a few scattered, like 4 or 5, that appear to be the same type. They haven't spread since I got back with my ex.

We eventually did break up again, and I have been alone, without a partner, for the past 10 years.

The idea of having warts, of carrying a contageous 'virus', really bothers me. I wasn't exactly 'smooth with the ladies' before, and now I've got these dang warts!

I would have hoped I could offer a clean bill of health, at the very least.

Now it seems that that is gone, and I am very grieving about it, very angry.


I don't try much to get with anyone these days. When I feel like having sex, instead I just use porn to get off.

Using porn and getting off eventually feels especially pathetic if you're not having any actual sex with a partner.

I had used porn before I was ever with my partner, and sometimes during the relationship, and much more since the breakup, and the advent of the internet.

I now rationalize the porn use with the wart condition, though I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, or how it affects my perception, or others' perceptions of me (I used to not feel so bad about using porn when I had, and enjoyed sex with, a real partner).


There have been times when I've been out and about, and I've felt like people were watching me ( there was a guy on another message board who mentioned the same thing, that he felt like people were watching him. He also said he looked at porn ).

If I've been using porn recently, I always feel like people can tell, those that I have any kind of interaction with, when I am out and about.

I go thru cycles where I just hole up in my apartment for days, and only surface to take out the garbage, or go to the grocery store, or go to the gym, or go to the skatepark.

Since second semester ended in April, I have been unemployed. At the job I had, when I left to start college, I was tricked by the supervisor into leaving without putting in a proper two weeks notice. I did anounce that I was putting in a two weeks notice, but then my supervisor told me that I could just leave. When I did, she then put in my file that I had left without putting in two weeks notice.

I don't think it's healthy, but I obsess a lot about sex and women. I see women every now and then, who seem like they might be interested, but I am sort of shy anyway, and I have warts, so I am really afraid to talk to them.

Sometimes, with the ones that seem really interested, I am afraid of what they might have going on with them...


Other than that, it's like, if I do mention the warts, I am being way too forward and presumptuous,

but if I don't mention the warts, then it's like I am being 'calculating'...

I am very depressed about things. I haven't had any friends that I hang out with in a very long time, and I usually avoid intertactions with people.

Most of the time I am by myself, working, going to the gym, skateboarding, listening to music, going to the gym, drinking, or looking at porn.


I've tried getting a mental health evaluation, which I'm told is a big stigma, and is usually court ordered (as with a criminal case ).

I've gotten leading questions, from a doctor, and an operator for the insurance company:

The doctor asked, "What insurance do you have?"

[ I tell her, and then she says : ] "Well, I've put in an app with them, but I haven't heard anything back yet..."

I call the insurance company, to ask if the doctor is in the network. Then they ask the leading question, "What type of doctor are they?"
I tell them 'mental health practitioner', then of course the operator tells me that they 'don't see them in the network'.

I tried going to a holistic health practitioner about the warts, and he acted like they were nothing!

After handing my genitals to check for a hernia, and to check the warts, he gave me a prescription for an over-the-counter homeopathic medicine called 'thuja occidentalis' , which is supposed to cure genital warts. (I bought two bottles, took them as directed, and noticed no change in symptoms ).

When I left the doctors' appointment, he suggested that I might have a self-esteem problem...no, I think warts are a great for self esteem, lol.

Other than lonely and bored, and worried about the future sometimes, I think I'm okay; I just don't always know how to deal with it when jerked around...

Last edited by ethera; 05-25-2005 at 04:41 PM.

 
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Old 05-25-2005, 06:28 PM   #2
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Re: HPV: grief/anger vs. acceptance

Quote:
Originally Posted by ethera
I've tried getting a mental health evaluation, which I'm told is a big stigma, and is usually court ordered (as with a criminal case ).
Where did you get this? Certainly there is a stigma associated with depression and other mental illness in our society. But I would say that the VAST majority of people who seek out treatment do so voluntarily, certainly not under court order! To say that the only people who need help from a mental health professional are deviant criminals is absurd.

It sounds like you could really benefit from talking to someone. You describe having depression, being lonely, unmotivated, and still obsessing about a relationship that ended 10 years ago. If you don't want to see a counselor or psychiatrist, why not just talk with your general practitioner? Your GP could give you some ideas about what may be going on, and possibly give you a referral to someone else.

Good luck.

 
Old 05-25-2005, 07:34 PM   #3
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Re: HPV: grief/anger vs. acceptance

I've gotten even less sympathy/cooperation from GPs.

When I listed 'depression'

(on that medical form/questionnaire they give you to fill out in the waiting room),

and even mentioned it directly to the GP, it somehow got dismissed, just filed away, i.e. I was never referred to anyone about it,


Which brings me to my next point: I do want to see a counselor.

My plan allows me to see any type of doctor for any type of condition, so

I called a psychiatrist, who referred me to a psychologist.


When I talked to the psychologist, she is the one who asked if it was court ordered.

I explained that my request was voluntary.

She then said 'you don't want "that" ', and explained that it is usually court ordered. Apparently I used the wrong terminology, but I didn't know what else to call it other than "mental health evaluation" ( there was another term she used, that she said I should arrange for ).

I requested it because my grades got really bad this last semester, and for other reasons already mentioned.



I have felt unmotivated, because my bad mood about things seems to affect my tolerance in dealing with other people around me,

such as clerks, co workers, bosses.

I've had jobs that I really liked, but there was always a couple of people that I was really bothered by.

When conflicts arise, I tend to just let them go, because I worry that I'll get too upset about them, even more so if there is no satisfaction.

I tend to avoid people as much as possible, because I am depressed and in a bad mood, and because if I try to be positive anyway and then they are rude, it just leads to more anger that I don't need.


Somewhere inside I get really upset if things don't go my way. I feel like I should be able to accept and deal with it, but I think it has to do with things I see as already going against me ( such as HPV ).

Yes, I have not been in a relationship for 10 years. I feel that I am damaged goods. Because I am damaged goods that translates to me as inferior goods.

It does not do much for my confidence level.

I am ****** off because I am already not the most outgoing, extroverted or expressive person to begin with,

and I don't need HPV on top of that.


I used to feel reasonably, 'hopefully' attractive sometimes, but with HPV, I feel especially withdrawn and unappealing.

So, I tend to not approach or deal with people for anything unless it is necessary.

I think the psychiatrist dismissed/is avoiding me because I haven't found a new job yet.

I don't feel like going out and doing that just yet, even though I need to...

Last edited by ethera; 05-25-2005 at 07:49 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2005, 06:45 AM   #4
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Re: HPV: grief/anger vs. acceptance

Quote:
Originally Posted by ethera
I've gotten even less sympathy/cooperation from GPs.
When I listed 'depression' (on that medical form/questionnaire they give you to fill out in the waiting room), and even mentioned it directly to the GP, it somehow got dismissed, just filed away, i.e. I was never referred to anyone about it,

When I talked to the psychologist, she is the one who asked if it was court ordered.

I explained that my request was voluntary.

She then said 'you don't want "that" ', and explained that it is usually court ordered. Apparently I used the wrong terminology, but I didn't know what else to call it other than "mental health evaluation" ( there was another term she used, that she said I should arrange for ).
So did you arrange for it? Did you make an appointment?

As far as your GP, you have to be a health care consumer. Meaning that sometimes you have to be your own advocate and insist on getting the care you need. Go back to the doc and be assertive. Make it clear to him that this IS something you are concerned about, and that you expect him to help.

Good luck.

 
Old 05-28-2005, 12:31 AM   #5
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ethera HB User
Re: HPV: grief/anger vs. acceptance

Hi, thanks for answering, I haven't yet tried to re-schedule.

Every time I call these psychologists, I get their voice mail, and have to wait until they call back...

The one I talked to I kind of liked, and if their pending insurance app is the only problem, then hopefully I can see them...

Maybe I should have just tried someone else, but that is the way my brain's been processing...


I am visiting my parents home tonight. I started freaking out a bit talking about my problems, and swearing, which I start to do when I realize that they don't want to talk about things ( they are usually dismissive about icky problems like I'm having ). We both agree that I should talk to a professional, but it's difficult for me not to talk about things.

I used to really supress it and wouldn't dream of talking to them about things. Now that I have I feel a bit humiliated, but mostly frustrated.

I feel like some of my concerns are beyond their ability to deal with, but it still angers me when they are so dismissive.

Anyway I think I will have to get a job first; I will try to post updates.

Last edited by ethera; 05-28-2005 at 12:45 AM.

 
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