The ethical side of not mentioning HPV status before having sex - Human Papillomavirus (HPV) Message Board

Maeve12 · 01-13-2008, 03:39 PM

Hello...I'm a bit devastated right now because the guy I was seeing screwed up royally about being herpes and HPV infected.

He was forthcoming about other issues he's had (not sex related)--which makes it hard to understand why he held back on this. I feel devalued and disrespected. I also do not trust him anymore.

For the record...we've had sex twice, and brief genital contact a 3rd time (details below)

Here is what happened: We had sex, he wore a condom, but there was some genital contact before the condom went on.

The next time we were getting ready to have sex he informed me that he carried a low risk of herpes, he was sure I had nothing to worry about, but he wanted me to know. I was upset but stupidly had sex anyway. There was a condom, but I was oral with him (without the condom).

A few days later we had very light genital contact, brief, no penetration. No sex whatsoever. Later that evening he told me about being HPV infected. He apologized for being a selfish s.o.b. It was at this time that he pulled back and said he doesn't like how he's behaved in past relationships, rushing into things, and he wanted us to pull back to the no sex stage and move slow. That is, if I cared to be with him.

He didn't try to justify his stupid behavior, but he did say that he in his past relationships, the women had already been exposed and it was no big deal for them. They were nonchalant. So he stupidly assumed the same for me.

I want to see this in perspective and see if there is any grounds for forgiveness. Because right now, I think forgiveness would mean rewarding his sleazy behavior and giving him permission to trample all over me.

Am I right or am I wrong? Other than this, we were developing a pretty open, honest, and enjoyable relationship.

Under what circumstances does one safely forgive and trust someone like this?

sam76 · 01-13-2008, 05:03 PM

Well it's really your call, but I know that if a guy did that to me I would never want to look him in the eye again. Somebody who cares about you and your well-being doesn't lie about medical risks just to get laid. That is selfishness, 100%. Not to mention complete dishonesty. He didn't just withold small details; he potentially put your life at risk. He knows he has HPV, but how does he know he's not carrying multiple strains of it? He's been with women who have all had it - doesn't mean they all had the same kind. There's no way for him to know that he isn't carrying multiple strains - including the one that can cause cervical cancer.

And what is low-risk herpes? Technically, both types of herpes are considered low-risk because they aren't life-threatening. Maybe he thought that just because he wasn't having an outbreak that there was virtually no risk of you contracting it. He was wrong. Both of these viruses are passed on through simple genital contact. And you don't have to be physically exhibiting symptoms for that to happen.

This is why doctors tell you to be honest with your partners. One person, especially if they're not a medical professional, can't tell you you've got nothing to worry about. I can understand that he's probably scared to tell people - we all are. But everyone deserves the choice of whether or not they think the risk is worth it. He obviously tried to make that call for you, and that's not a person I could ever put my faith in... but that's me.

Maeve12 · 01-13-2008, 05:46 PM

Sam---thanks for your reply.

I noticed in another thread you talk about the virus taking a year to clear out. I believe he may have been sexually abstinent for a year (not positive though). Could this possibly reduce the risk?

I know nothing about these stds and am trying to learn as much as possible before I talk with him next month (I have announced time out until I get my head together)

I don't want to downplay the seriousness of his irresponsibility (I'm still very angry)--but I want to have a balanced perspective.

I think the bottom line, however, is that my wellbeing is not important to him. So it's not a matter of forgiveness. Just pragmatic judgment about what I might expect from him in the future.

sam76 · 01-13-2008, 06:07 PM

Well, see, the only sensible way to judge a person is to judge their actions. He may very well be a wonderful guy... but if he can't be honest with you about his sexual health, a big and very important issue, then I'd be using that as a model for what else he won't feel like telling you. It's like the saying "Old habits die hard." And dishonesty is one that is very difficult to change.

It's possible that his body has already taken care of it. Does he have the low-risk strain (warts)? Because from the information I've been given, if you don't see them again within a year, your body has probably taken care of the virus... but some people see them pop up again a few years down the road. Normally, from what I know, people who have it longer than a year seem to have them continually, or at least often.

I would never tell someone to stay away from anyone who has/has had an STI, because let's face it... if you've been around long enough and have been sexually active, you're just as at risk as anyone else. And most of them aren't serious. But based on what you've posted here, I don't think it sounds like he's really all that concerned about YOUR health, and YOUR well-being. He already has them, so what's he got to lose? But if he ends up being someone you care deeply enough for that you want to progress with him, what I would suggest is to go to the clinic with him and talk to the doctor together. There is a LOT of information on the web about HPV, as well as herpes. You'll probably feel a lot better if you read up on it, and I would really encourage you to because you'd be surprised how easy it is to be in the same situation as a lot of us on this board. And you wouldn't even realize it until one day you wake up and, oh, what is that?

You might want to look into the HPV vaccination. It will at least protect you against the four major strains of it. Not everyone feels comfortable enough getting it because they feel the info on HPV is quite often contradictory... but if you want to protect yourself from HPV at least, that may be an option for you.

Maeve12 · 01-13-2008, 06:35 PM

Sam---you are right. This is largely about character and honesty. He has let me down and probably would let me down as long as I was with him.

I am kind of freaked that I got into this situation. Even if I am not infected by him, the whole dynamic has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.