High Risk HPV -- how do I tell new partner? - Human Papillomavirus (HPV) Message Board

dmcleod · 04-20-2009, 10:52 AM

I'm a male in my mid-twenties. I contracted (or gave, who knows) HPV from my ex wife. Only after she had an abnormal pap and resulting pre-cancerous cervical growths did we know about the infection. It led to many painful arguments and ultimately contributed greatly to her cheating on me and our divorce.

I am now seeing someone new. Things are moving along physically. Last night she said she was ready to sleep with me. I had to stop her and tell her what I have, even if it's possibly dormant or safe sex could possibly prevent it. I hate to risk her health on a possibility. We didn't sleep together. I think she's freaked out now. At the very least frustrated by this new barrier when it comes to sex, because she's wanted to sleep with me for weeks. Now it's as though we can only go so far before having to stop and then leave us both frustrated.

What do I do now? I want her to get the vaccine. That takes 6 months to administer. Will she wait that long for sex? Would she rather put her health at risk to satisfy her urges? I can't go down that road again -- being responsible for giving someone cancer or affecting her chances of having children.

She's 27, so I think she's still eligible for the vaccine, we'd just have to pay for it out of pocket.

Anyone have any advice on how I can go from here?

Any similar situations you've dealt with?

I really like this woman and could not live with myself if I hurt her as badly as my ex was hurt. Thank you for your replies.

LilyL21 · 04-20-2009, 01:59 PM

dmcleod

I seriously LOVE you for taking this stance. I really wish whoever gave me HPV had done the same thing!

Totally recommend to her to get the vaccine. You can get it at any age, but you're right about the insurance issue. I've acutally had several friends over the age of 26 get it, and their insurance paid anyway. It's a bit of a gamble to see if they will, though.

It does mean waiting 6 months, but perhaps you can explain to her how HPV really devastated your other relationship, and how you just can't deal with possibly causing her harm! Explain that once she has the vaccine, she will be protected and will never have to go through this again.

Good luck!

Pickle Eyes · 04-20-2009, 06:51 PM

dmcleod, I'm so glad to know you stood up and told her about the potential risks. I'd encourage her to look into the vaccine, too.

I'm also sorry that HPV and its negative effects were part of what lead to your previous marriage.

There are many unknowns about HPV, there are many if/then situations. It can be so confusing!

One thing I'd like to note is that if you and she are engaging in various sexual type activities, then the likelihood of having exposed her already are pretty great. HPV is spread by skin to skin contact. The strains of HPV I am talking about right now are the ones that affect the genitals. All it takes is one person with at least one strain of HPV to have genital skin to genital skin contact for the virus to possibly be transmitted. "Genital skin" includes, but is not limited to: vulva, vagina, cervix, penis, anus/rectum, mouth/throat.

It is very easily spread. It is pretty safe to say that most people who have had sexual contact (not just sexual intercourse) with more than one person is likely to be exposed to at least one strain of HPV.

I hope that helps.

Thisby · 04-20-2009, 10:15 PM

She should be no more afraid of having sex with you than she is of having sex with any other male who's ever had sex. Most men who've been exposed to don't have a clue they are carriers. The only difference with you is that you do know.

She should get the vaccine if she ever plans on having sex with a non-virgin. And I'm being totally serious here. If she's eligible, she should get it.

btw, is she a virgin? If she isn't, the chances that she has already been exposed already exist and she could be putting you at risk for a new strain. Something to think about. Or it may at least put it in perspective for her.

And of course, as Pickle Eyes said, if you've already engaged in other sexual contact other than intercourse, then you two have probably already exchanged any strains you each may have.

dmcleod · 04-21-2009, 05:20 PM

She's not a virgin and we have not engaged in any type of sex though we'd like to. The sad thing is I think I freaked her out by telling her the truth and attempting to NOT hurt her. Thanks for the replies.